California Reaming

Strange but true, Americans use the word "Reaming" to imply a strict telling off - I was shocked that people didn't realise that it is also a sexual act.

The next five days took me all the way down the West Coast and through to Arizona. It was hard going as I slept in the car for 4 nights, but the views were spectacular. Here are the places I visited:

Big Sur National Park - I started to drive down the coast from San Francisco on Highway 1 and the road soon narrowed and I was on the coast. It was a nice relaxing drive until it got dark and civilastion ended just as I was starting to run out of fuel! The roads were winding and I was in the red by the time I got to a gas station which turned out to be Big Sur. The only trouble was that they were the only gas station in a 90 mile readius so they charged me double the normal amount. It was just like paying for fuel in England again!

I decided to stop over for the night but not to pay the astronomical prices for a room - I had a meal in a bar and watched the Monday Night Football (which is the type of football with shoulder pads and make-up under the eyes). I then found a layby at the side of the road and slept in the car. Thankfully, it was a deserted area so there was no hassle from either the police or gay truckers.

I woke up to realise that a storm had hit the coast during the night and there were bulldozers out on the roads clearing fallen rocks from the roads! I wasn't parked anywhere dangerous but I did stop and wait for the bulldozers to do their thing before I set off again!

Because of the storm, the sea was rugged and rough and there was a lost of mist still in the mountains which made it quite a spectacular view on my drive down the coast. As I neared the end of the national park, there was a beach that was dominated by elephant seals - they were monoliths (just like the ones in San Francisco at Pier 39) and I was able to get quite close to them as I was up on the cliffs. I passed San Luis Obispo and Santa Cruz to reach my destination at Santa Barbara by that evening.

Santa Barbara - Again I slept in the car, but this time I was able to park the car right by the beach in Santa Barbara. I woke up and walked along the beach to the pier and had breakfast in Sambos Diner (not very P.C.). After breakfast, I wandered up State Street to downtown Santa Barbara - on the way I saw a strangely decorated campervan that had to be seen to be believed (I took a photo of it of course) - it's a mystery as to how fast it can go without everything falling off it!

I walked around the historical buildings, sent some postcards and wandered around Macy's to get "christmasy" - I even bought a Christmas CD as I only have the one CD for the car - I picked the album with the most obscure and offensive artists (N*Sync, Barry Manilow, Barbara Streisand, and Celine Dion to name a few) - it's a terrible album! I wonder who I'll give it to for Christmas?!

I also had a chance to go to the cinema and watch Blade Trinity on it's opening day - to be fair, the film was pants (Despite Triple H being in it which was funny (I knew Gav would appreciate it for that reason) and they had an obsession with I-Pod's - I wonder how much they got paid to plug by Apple?) and that was to be expected, but I also wanted to see what it was like in an American cinema - popcorn is smothered in fat, drinks are bigger than small children and the some wierdo even clapped when it ended.

Los Angeles - I spent the night asleep in the Walmart 50 miles from L.A. as it has a special car park specifically for overnighters. I wanted to see Hollywood on my way through so I got off the freeway on Santa Monica Boulevard and I drove down towards Beverley Hills. I stopped off to see how big their house were and I later learned that I had driven right past Harrison Ford's house and O.J. Simpson "old" house - bit wierd, eh? I also had a chance to walk down Rodeo Drive and walk past shops that wouldn't let a scruff bag like me in anyway, and also to see the plastic surgery ridden denizens of Hollywood - everyone looked like mannequins.

For some reason, I couldn't find the Hollywood Sign and I got very lost driving round and around. I eventually found it and I was able to get my essential tourists photo. I proceeded to Hollywood Blvd to see the Avenue of Stars in the hope of seeing some classic names - it was strange as you'd expect it to be a classy area but there is nothing but prostitutes and homies everywhere. After half an hour I was satisfied with my quest - I had found many famous "star" names including, Sylvester Stallone, Wales's own Tom Jones and, the current "guvner" of California, Arnie. However, my favourite "star" find was Jack Klugman's aka Quincy - I was overjoyed.

Joshua Tree National Park - It took me nearly 2 hours to get out of LA, not only because of the traffic, but also because it's so huge! It was dark as I left the city limits and I realised that I was already dropping into the desert. There were wind farms all around and I passed Palm Springs and eventually slept for the 4th successive night in the car in Yucca Valley.

The following day, I decided to drive through the Joshua Tree National Park as an introduction to the desert landscape. The Joshua Tree was named by the mormos who named it after Joshua as it depicted him raising his arms to heaven - this is yet more proof that religion is an excuse for insanity as Joshua must have had about 8 or more arms for this to be an accurate comparison.

The natinal park was very beautiful and my first stop was at Keys View - I was able to see the Salton Sea (the lowest part of the US at 228 ft below sea level), the San Andreas Fault and the Palm Springs valley. I passed through to Cottonwood Springs and decided to do one of the hikes available. I walked to Mastadon Peak past the rare California sun palms and I even got lost from the path as it was poorly marked - I was slightly afraid of coming across any rattlesnakes as they are common in that area but the only wildlife I saw were small lizards. The walk was marked as a 3 hour trip but I did it in 50 minutes - I think this is more of a statement about the average expectations of the "American Walker" and their potential size!

I left the park and made my way to Arizona. I stopped off at the Chiriacco Summit Diner which was very old-school - it looked like the decor hadn't been changed since the 1940's! The rest of the day was a 3+ hour drive through the desert.

I passed a place called Quartzsite, which is the epitomy of a trailer park trash town - nothing but RV's and campervans as far as the eye can see. I passed Blythe State Prison which was signposted and then below the sign was a warning: "Do not pick up hitchhikers" - it should have also stated "especially one's with arrows on their pyjamas".

If You're Going to be "Munsoned" Out in the Middle of Nowhere, Be Sure to Wear a Flower in Your Hair

I woke up in Reno with frost on the inside of my car. It was cold. I had some breakfast and ventured into Reno and went to the only place I intended to go - the National Bowling Stadium. I was fortunate enough to be there for a bowling tournament which was scheduled that day and I was able to see some true athletes in action - no famous names but they all had the kit and their own balls and stuff. The actual bowling scores weren't that impressive though - the highest score I saw was 247 but most were around 150 - I could've been in with a shot if I'd have registered but they didn't believe me when I said my name was Roy E. Munson.

The sad thing was that I had travelled over 700 miles out of my way and slept two nights in the car just to phone up my brother and make him laugh about where I was (which he did and he guessed where I was sthraight away). I bought him a souvenir at the pro shop and I couldn't find the salad bar that claimed to have over 50 types of potato topping so I made my way out West to try and get to San Francisco by that evening.

My journey there was pretty quick but as the winter solstice is approaching the sun set quickly and it was dark by the time I arrived in San Fran which made it difficult to find the hostel, especially as I was stuck in rush hour on the Bay Bridge which was intimidating to say the least.

I stayed in the YHA (when I eventually found it) and I was having to pay a lot of money, not just for the room, but to leave the hire car in a valet/garage. This meant that my trip was going to be cut short unless I didn't want any money for the rest of the trip. I met the guy in my room (called Dave) who was from Melbourne and we chatted about the music scene in San Francisco which was pretty impressive - they advertised for DJ Vadim and Jazzy Jeff and all sorts but mainly for New Years Eve and Christmas parties which was a shame that I wouldn't be able to see them. His interests in music were very similar to me and my brother but I didn't get much of a chance to chat after that as he was awake for the night scene and I was awake in the daytime doing the tourist thing.

Night-time in San Fran is intimidating too as the bums are out in force - mental instability is rife in America and the tramps are experts in this field! I opted to shower up and get some good sleep for a change (as the cold nights in the car had taken their toll) and I felt much better about things and I almost felt human again.

The next day I went out to see the sights - I walked through Chinatown (but I didn't see David Lo-Pan), I then walked past Larry Flynt's Hustler Club but it was shut (too early). I reached Fishermans Wharf which has great views of Alcatraz and there are huge sea-lions that flank one side of the harbour. I went on to the Coit Tower which has panoramic views of San Francisco and, as it was a clear day, I was able to see everything. However, because of the smog (which is a huge problem in the States), my ohtos of the Golden Gate Bridge and the Bay Bridge seem distant. Because of this, I decided to walk to the Golden Gate Bridge which, I have learned, is quite far from the Coit Tower!

Before I got there, I stopped for some clam chowder at Pier 39 which was superb and then I walked up the beaches and parks to get to the bridge. I had been walking for 2 hours when I finally got a s close as I wanted - walking on the bridge was not necessary! By the time I got back to the hostel, I was pooped - they weren't lying about the hills here! I got an early(ish) nightand just stopped in the diner next door to the hostel for some dinner.

The following day I planned to leave, but not before visiting the City Hall and going to the library to check my emails and catch up on the Blog. While I was entering the library, I was sure I saw Robin Williams walk by but I couldn't be sure - when I was chatting to someone in the library, they said that he lives nearby so it could've been him. Other than that, it was an uneventful day - the libraries here seem to attract all the bums and weirdos though - one guy with taped up glasses (always a sign of mental illness) was playing with a knive in the queue for the internet and all the tramps go in there to keep warm and gamble on-line - freaks!

Going Back In Time

The flight to LA was strange because of the time zones - I left at 23.15 on the 2nd of December and I arrived at 13.30 on the 2nd December, almost 10 hours before I left! It was freaky and I thought I would have been quite jetlagged but I wasn't affected that badly.

Customs weren't necessarily strict, as you would expect from US customs these days, but they were extremely inneficient - they only had 7 or so counters open for over 500 passengers trying to pass through - they did take fingerprints and a photo of you at the counter though which was time consuming too. Once I got my bags I was out on the street and looking for somewhere to hire a car from. I opted for Budget as the name seems to suit my requirements - they got me a Chevrolet Cavalier and, even though it was described as a small car, it was still pretty big.

My introduction to driving in the US was more like a baptism of fire as I was straight into a 5 lane motorway North towards Nevada - I wanted to go to Santa Barbara first but I was misdirected to the wrong highway! Driving in America is an experience - there are fast food outlets aplenty every 5 miles and every once in a while some place would say "Martys Diner - still serving Pea Soup" whatever that meant - it was always pea soup!? Also, all the streets are famous in some way - Mulholland Drive, 8 Mile Road, Madison Avenue, and my favourite one was rather festive - Santa Claus Lane!

As I only had one CD, I had to make do with the radio for most of my travelling too - the stations are varied and weird - occassionally I'd get the odd hip-hop or Rock station but the general concensus is hispanic radio (like Little Spanish Flea on a continuous loop) and evangalists and Country and Western.

The traffic was immense and I know now why my car was described as small, because compared to the huge SUVs they have here, I was small-fry! I stopped in Fresno and then Bakersfield on my way to the Seqouia National Park which I planned to explore the next day so I decided to sleep in the car at a rest area. However, after 5 minutes I had some trucker asking me all sorts of dumb questions and he was probably going to solicite me for some sexual act sooner or later so I made my excuses and drove on! I eventually slept in the Seqouia National Park's car park as there was no-one there.

What I didn't realise was that the National Parks are more like drive-thru national parks and it's all quite spaced out so I wasn't able to see much of the park as I was low on fuel. I did manage to see the Giant Forest and the General Sherman Tree which is believed to be the largest living thing in the world. However, I was caught unprepared again and my camera ran out of batteries so I don't have any pictures of the Seqouias! There was a lot of wildlife on the roads like deer and squirrels and rabbits, but there were no bears as forewarned which I was glad about. There had also been fresh snowfall in the mountains which made me nervous to go any further because I had no snow chains for my tyres. I didn't think it through that well, really!

Around Sacramento, I had a bit of an accident in the car and scraped the bumper on a low wall of a drive thru ATM - It was a bit silly really and I didn't even see the wall - I was thinking of covering the whole front of the car in mud to hide the scratch but I may as well just face the music, eh?

I decided to make my way to Reno and I stopped at the bottom of the Sierra Nevada mountains for some food - food portions are so huge here that I have had very few meals because each one is the equivalent of 3 british meals!

The American people I had met had been quite worrying too - when I explained my accent and that I had been travelling, some people would know where New Zealand is! Most people that you meet on the road are very weird too - If people don't expect a tip, they hardly notice you exist! I was also accosted by a bible basher in Subway which is the last place I expected to be approached by Jesus' teachings - as I left they called out to me "God Bless you! Remember Jesus died for you". It seems that turning to religion is an excuse to be insane in this country.

A Week in the Yasawas

I had paid to travel on the Yasawa Flyer (a huge yellow catamaran) to get to Tavewa and Kuata in the Yasawa group of islands. However, it only left the mainland once a day, at 9am. This meant that I had to spend another night in Nadi. Learning from my previous experience, I went straight to bed (with no supper and no bedtime story!) and charged my batteries for the impending 4 hour journey on the catamaran.

The courtesy bus picked me up at 8am and it whisked me off to Denarau Marina. I was beginning to regret my decision to leave the Beachouse as everyone on the bus seemed to be the sort of people I had tried to avoid on my travels. You know............ assholes. When I boarded the Yasawa Flyer it wasn't all that bad but there were a lot of trendy young people looking for some action and I didn't feel that I fitted in at all.

Tavewa was my destination and, as the catamaran cruised through the clear blue waters past the tiny party islands of the Mamanaca Group we quickly reached teh Yasawas which were huge and mountainous in comparison.

The time flew by and most of the people were on package holidays that didn't include Tavewa in their itinerary which was a relief. I was the only person leaving the catamaran to go to David's Place Resort on the island.

As we approached, I saw some people waving at me and shouting n the beach and it was the Chaos Family (the Smiths) and they had caught the float plane there a few days before me. Isaac was happy because now he had his volleyball teacher back and he'd been practising a lot since I had seen him last and I was amazed at how quickly he learnt things (this includes making excuses when it goes wrong and swear words).

There werea total of 16 people staying at the resort and the dorm was virtually empty. All meals were included which were quite nice but not the best food I've had recently. The first thing I did at Tavewa was play volleyball with the locals and the one of the guests that was staying there (Dave) accidentally headbutted a breezeblock that was hanging from a rope (to keep the net tense) in true cartoon fashion - I'm surprised he didn't knock himself out!

The evening were bizarre as Ben, the manager of the resort, would introduce new people and say farewell to people leaving. However, he had a serious problem with communication and this could go on for as long as 30 minutes! Some people even tried escaping the lecture right after dinner time but it was difficult to leave in the middle of his spiel.

The next day, the Chaos family and I decided to have a planned shipwreck on the island - They dropped us off on a beach around the headland and, as it was deserted, we would set up a shelter, go snorkelling and catch some fish with Nigels spear gu and, when we wanted to go back, we would find our own way through the jungle. Well..... that was the plan anyway. We made our shelter out of palm fronds and driftwood and it was pretty effective - Biz and Pip were out of the sun and the breeze and the boys (Nigel, Isaac and me) went for a wander on the shore looking for wildlife and exploring the cliffs and caves nearby.

The snorkelling was off the cards as the tide was too low and we would have been impaled on the coral if we tried. So, we walked in the shallow water to the next two coves.The walk was teeming with wildlife: baby starfish, fish, crabs, and I even nearly trod on a whitebandedsea snake! (talk about shit yourself!).

The coves were great to explore and it was pikey heaven as there were all manners of interesting shells and stuff washed up on the shores. We made our way back to our "private beach" and, as a lot of the wood was hollow, we had an impromptu musical interlude banging the drum like logs and sticks - I even made some maracas out of a coconut and some small shells!

It was threatening to rain and the jungle was very dense so we walked around the shoreline to find our way back. Just as it started to rain we were in the bar with a beer in our hands of the neighbouring resort to David's Place! Not exactly roughing it but at least we tried the castaway lifestyle for a short while!

Despite it being quite cloudy while I was on Tavewa, I suffered from a bit of heatstroke and I had pulled a nerve in my shoulder from too much volleyball which put me out of action for a few days. I just read my books and did a bit of hiking around the island which was good fun too - the only map of the island that was available was like a treasure map but without the "X" marking the spot for the buried treasure (Aaarrrr - jim lad!).

Before I knew it, I was saying goodbye again and I was on my way to Kuata which is the southernmost island in the Yasawas. On the boat, I bumped into The Bristols again and this time they had an entourage - Jo and Gemma from London. They were all going to Kuata too.

Whilst I was trying to avoid lairy behaviour in Fiji, I wasn't that bothered by being back in "Club Rep" territory and a few drinks loosened me up a bit. There were a few tossers there but they didn't hang around me much because I didn't have boobs. Mind you, I must admit - I will miss the bikinis when I get back home - surely it'd be too cold for me to wear them in winter!

The views from Kuata were spectacular and the food was even better - it was real traditional cuisine and one night they even said that cutlery wasn't allowed to be used. I loved shoving my fingers into my food but most people didn't know what to do with themselves! (The soup was quite difficult though.)

I spent my last few days recouperating from my bad shoulder and read my books - the island was over run with Mana birds which have peculiar bird calls - they almost sounded like some one impersonating a bird or many different birds even! I t reminded me of Three Amigos every time I heard them!

On my last night, I decided to let my hair down a bit and started the drinking games with Gemma, Jo and a New Zealander called Adam who was quite loopy - he would have 3 conversations with himself at the same time and he'd have finished all of them by the time someone else got a word in edgeways! Anyway, to cut a long story short, we all got very drunk, we changed clothes and danced around, and ended up on the beach attempting to do handstands and sing songs from TV musicals. Bit sad really but I suppose you had to be there!

My last day in Fiji was nearly uneventful: I got back on the catamaran to go back to the mainland and then was taken straight to the airport (no stopping in Nadi this time, thank God!). However, in the airport, I was wandering around waiting to check in my bags and I bumped into Kelsie, my ex-girlfriend! I was shocked! It was good to see her (and damn, she looked good!) - she has been travelling with her boyfriend around Asia, Australia and New Zealand (basically the same trip as me) and I didn't even know she was out here. We chatted for a while but I never got to meet her new boyfriend - oh well! It was the biggest surprise I've had on my trip though and thankfully a pleasant one.

Beachouse Part 2 - What Actually Happened

As I've already mentioned, it took a while for me to get out of the resort and do something other than read my book and play volleyball, but these are the things that happened when I did venture out of the Beachouse:

A Trip into Sigatoka - My first excursion and Bart, Will and I caught the bus up to the nearest town which was Sigatoka. We caught the express public shuttle bus which was more modern than I expected - it had air con, the seats were comfy and they even had a Jackie Chan film playing on the TV! We arrived in the town centre and next to the bus station was the market where most fruit and veg were sold but also it was aplace to sucker in the tourists. I was luck not to be targetted that badly and I was only interested in buying a sarong and a Bula shirt (its a bit like a hawaiian shirt) in my attempt to blend in - I knew that I had to seriously work on my tan and get a very frizzy permto be truly authentic though! I was also surprised at the population of indians in Fiji - most of the shops were run by them.

As Will and Bart were getting their food shopping done, I bought some fijian cigars for Napoleon in the market. It was a great experience and I knew that Napoleon would appreciate the gift. The others were taking forever to get their shopping done so I said I'd meet them back at the Beachouse. I got the local bus this time and it took twice as long. It was great fun though - old men were singing and kids were saying hello to everyone we passed in the bus. After a while I was the only non-fijian on the bus and I got toknow the other passengers and what they did for work, etc. It was a unique experience and everyone was so friendly.

My First Kava Ceremony - They often set up the massage hut at the resort for the guests to experience kava for the first time. Its a very pleasant cermony: everyone sits in a circle on the floor and two people sit in the middle and prepare the kava and pass it around. Everyone has a drink and then usually 3 people get out guitars and a ukelele and sing songs until the chief announces the next round of kava. People can request either low tide or high tide which means how full the kava bowl is filled.

It was great fun and it was generally a weak mixture (the equivalent of Tesco Value Lager!) andno-one really felt any ill effects and, quite often, people said it had no effect on them. I soon learnt that it's actually great stuff!

The Rugby Match: Nadro v Suva - Sigatoka has the home ground for Nadro which is the namefor the Coral Coast region (as it was a regional match). Suva were the favourites as it is the capital city of Fijiand they generally have the wealth to buy the best players. It was a big occassion as it was one of the last games of the season and it was between the top 2 teams in the league. This meant that there were a lot of the Fijian National squad on display.

We were dropped off in Sigatoka to get any shirts,flags or bandanas for the game and also to have a bit of lunch. We had a long time to wait though and eventually we were taken to the stadium.

As the temperature was around 35 degrees celcius, I chose to sit in the pavilion which some might have thought was quite snobby but it was mainly for families who didn't want their children to get heatstroke or too dehyrated. I was glad I was in the shade too as the sun was very strong and 3 hours or so could have been the end of me. Eventually the match got under way and we cheered for the home team (because we didn't want to get beaten up) and I was amazed at the power and brutality of the way the Fijians play and ,to top it off, to be able to maintain that level of play in such sweltering heat! Nadro won in the end (15 -9) and the crowds were generally very well behaved.

On the journey back, everyone was dropped off at the liquor store to get some beers and by the time we got in the truck to go back to the resort, the drinking games had started - it was good fun but you tend to make more mistakes when drinking on an empty stomach - I was always caught out because of waving my Nadro flag out of the truck as the locals cheered at us.

Volleyball Tournament - Roger had organised a 2-on-2 beach volleyball tournament and I was teamed up with Tarkan - he was pretty useless but we had a lot of fun with it and it wasn't really that competitive. The wind was pretty strong too but that didn't bother me having played the last few years at Perranporth in Cornwall where the wind usually played volleyball for you!

We got to the final against Napoleon and Alex and they were just too casual - Napoleon seems to be able to get to the ball with minimal movement and while smoking a cigar!

Scuba Diving - Having not gotten off my arse to go snorkelling at any time, I decided to go one step further and do some scuba diving instead. My "buddy" for the diving was called Paul and he was staying at the Beachouse too. The company organising the diving was called Mikes Divers and it was dirt cheap.

I was surprised that when we went out in the boat we never had to go very far to get to a dive site - it was all so convenient. On the first dive we saw a lot of fish I haven't seen before such as batfish, lionfish and huge lobsters and some of the usual stuff like turtles. The dive master also found a golden coerie which is an extremely rare shellfish and was worth quite a bit of money - I don't know ifhe should have taken it back to the shore but he did anyway!

The second dive was more thrilling and it was at a site called Morgan's Wall - the visibility was about 15 metres or so and The first half was quite boring - there was virtually no aquatic life around. Then, all of a sudden, loads of thingsapproached us at once - there was a maori wrasse, a pregnant white tip reef shark and most frightening of all was a white banded sea snake which is the most venomous snake in the world! It was a good 15 mtres away from me though so I didn't need to expel any "ink"!

Jungle Trek - It was a sunday so the resort was offering no activities for the day. However, I had itchy feet and I was eager to do some form of exercise. Joe (from California) was also eager to do something and as he had already done the jungle trek with Jua a few days previously, he said he would take me to the waterfall track as he knew the way. Cheyenne (from Canada) also came with us.

It was a great trail and we had to cross alot of streams and pass through some bamboo forests that would creak eerily all the time. Joe was very good at remembering the information about the plants that he had been told about and their medicinal properties - it was interesting stuff.

When we got to the waterfall, it was more of a dribble as it hadn't rained for a long time. It was still possible to swim in it though and we cautiously dived in. It was refreshing but the water had become slightly stagnant and caterpillars and spiders crawled all over the rocks - I'm useless with creepy crawlies so I wasn't that adventurous at climbing up the waterfall! On the way back to the shore I bombed into the water and realised that it was really shallow and my bum disturbed all the leaves and twigs that had settled at the bottom. I only realised when I got back that quite a lot of the debris had gotten into the netting of my shorts and it looked like tealeaves in a strainer or teabag - I can't have imagined it would be a very tasty brew!

Bula Massage - To reward myself for the recent burst of activity, I had a full body massage which was provided by a couple of the village women. They were very good actually and they weren't very rough like the Thais. They used a lot of oils and having massaged my face, I had a bit of a greasy beard!

I was very relaxed after the massage and when I nipped into Sigatoka to get some beers and supplies later that day, I fell asleep on the truck!

Kava Ceremonies at the Village - As previously mentioned, a lot of people would make jewellry and stuff out of coconut shells but I decided to make my own kava bowl. I had been sanding down half a coconut for about 5 hours or more and I wouldn't stop until Napoleonsaid it was done. It was quite a good one by many standras and I could ell that Napoleon was tempted to nick it off me!

As I'd become good friends with Kenny and Ben, they had invited me to Toni's house for a kava ceremony and we could "test drive" my new bowl. We ended up inviting about 12 other people from the Beachouse and we got through a lot of kava - i bought 30 bags of it which makes about 30 litres of kava (and it was pretty strong too - think.......... Special Brew). After the ceremnoy we all went to the beach and had a fire and got stoned. We stayed up pretty late as it was a clear night and we had a great time.

The next day I had a bit of gut rot from all the kava but I was lucky that it was better by the evening as it was my last night and we had planned to do it all over again!

This time we didn't have that much kava but we did have it with about 30 of the villagers which was much more authentic. When we got back to the beach for another bonfire, Kenny and Deta had made necklaces from frangipani flowers (which smell beautiful) and given them to me and Juergen as a farewell gesture. After that we drank beers while Kenny, Ben and Eddie sang farewell songs in Fijian for us and I was quite touched.

Making my Escape! - After 13 days at the Beachouse it was hard to leave, but I would have felt bad if I hadn't seen some of the other islands too while I was there so I felt I had to go.

Napoleon had also made me a necklace out of coconut shell and kept bringing out fresh fruit for me through all of my last day. I made sure I got his address in order to send him some photos when I get back to the UK.

I left on the last shuttle out of Sigatoka and I was even lucky enought o be first in line for afternoon tea that day - an achievement that I am quite proud of! It was hard to turn my back on a place that I could have stayed at for all the 7 months of my trip.

Beachouse Part 1 - The People

Now I'm well aware that I've already met a lot of people on this trip and adding to this number will only make it more complicated (and possibly dull) for you but the days at the Beachouse all sort of melted together and it's hard to break up what actually happened with who and when. So Part 1 will introduce the "Players" and Part 2 will set the scene and I'll explain what happened while I was there - I hope this makes sense but it's easier for me to write it up this way round.

Here are the many people that I met during my time at the Beachouse:

Bart (Belgium) - He was one of the funniest guys there everyones friend and he would patrol up the beach everyday and check up on "his ladies". He is a nurse living in Melbourne and he always had a funny story to tell, even when he was smashed out of his face. We mainly talked about Eddie Wally, "The Voice of Europe" (anyone whos seen Eurotrash will know who he is) - his impression was so good I was convinced for a time that he was his love-child.

Nigel, Biz, Isaac and Pip (UK) - Later nicknamed the Chaos Family as they seemed to make a lot of noise collectively, especially at meal times. They come from St Agnes in Cornwall and they remind me in a weird way of my sister's family as they live on a farm too and are "countryfied" without being up their own arse. I taught Isaac how to play volleyball and he was great fun - 7 years old going on 17 by the seems of things. I met them later on in Fiji too so you won't have heard the last of them.

Clare and Gemma (UK) - The Bristols - they were so "yeah but....no but", you couldn't help but laugh whenever they opened their mouths. They were the life and soul whenever they were around and the locals all took a real shine to them. They were the sort of people that you never would have expected to like but you just can't help yourself.

Joe (USA) - Joe was from California and he was great to talk to and it was fun trying to make sense out of conversations after too much beer and weed.

Jurgen (Austria) - "Mein Brude", he was another really funny guy who was my drinking buddy on many occasions. He could also do that weird half-eye-closed sort of thing that Antoine De Caunes does (back to Eurotrash again! Did I really have such a misled youth?).

Roman (Germany) - Roman was one of the most quirky people I have ever met and he was so entertaining - he would always be making a sound or doing something quite irregular. His english wasn't perfect either so he would concentrate very hard during conversations. He was a bit like Jack Nicholson in one of his many roles but he could have been more crazy than that if he wanted to be!

Roger and Cheyenne (Canada) - The first people I met and I taught them the Pokerdice game and they loved it. Roger was a bit of a dick though - when he played volleyball he would commentate the play all the time - he also tried to usurp my pupil and teach Isaac how to play volleyball his way, but Isaac didn't want him to teach him as he was really pushy. Bless the children, eh?

Janos and Tarkan (Germany) - Janos was the self proclaimed ladies man and Tarkan was just weird but harmless enough - they'd always interupt conversation in a loud German kind of way. Tarkan was also obsessed with the fact that "mushy" in german was slang for a ladies front bits.

Gem (UK) - she wasn't speaking to anyone so I thought I'd break the ice - however, she had just left England and she has relationship issues that she decided to spill all over my conscience. That'll teach me to open my big mouth!

Jim and Joyce (Canada) - They were the long term guests who had already been there for 7 weeks when I got there. They'd spent over a year in Papua New Guinea too. They were very friendly and Jim resembled some kind of Yoda character (he was small and had a limp, OK?!) - he was also very good on the guitar and he would entertain everyone whenever a Kava ceremony was going on.

Will (UK) - A rugger bugger and no mistake - he was huge and he didn't like me so there's enough said about that.

Tom and Ben (New Zealand) - Ben was the quietest 6'4" man I've ever met and Tom was Comic Store Guy from the Simpsons (he actually worked in a comic shop in Auckland too) - he would talk continuously and would make random insane comments - probably a bit of an anarchist at heart.

Teri (Canada), Ivy and Clay (USA) - more of the first people I met when I got there and they all loved the Pokerdice game (perhaps I've hyped it up too much?)

Sylvia and Liz (Tasmania, Australia) - These two girls were pretty mad and they were just drunk most of the time (bless). I bumped into them in the Yasawas later on too.

Monica and Alex (Czech Republic) - They had been there for 2 months and thy showed no signs of leaving. She was a bit of a BOBFOC (Body off Baywatch, Face off Crimewatch) and had a bit of an attitude problem - and Alex was so quiet you hardly knew he was there sometimes. Also I found a poem about frogs at the bar which was directed at Monica - I laughed for days about it!

Then there were the locals:

Napoleon was in charge of the activities and he hardly said a word - he only spoke, when it mattered or something needed to be said. He was by far one of the kindest people I met while I was in Fiji. He taught me how to open up coconuts and he made volleyball look so easy as he smoked his cigars and hardly moved but still got the ball somehow.

Blicks was the barman and we got on really well as I seemed to see him quite a bit - especially around happy hour! We even had our own special handshake but it didn't mean that I got anything cheaper - it was just good to know the barman, that's all.

Hilary was the niece of the owner of the resort (she was from Australia and she was only 18). We only saw her for one night because she made such a spectacle of herself trying to down a bottle of vodka and then collapsing on the beach trying to go swimming and then pissing herself (literally). It was hilarious to watch but it must have been embarassing - (It reminded me of my leaving do at Royworld, oh happy days! ("Were going streaking!!!!!!!!")).

Kenny and Ben were my Kava drinking buddies by the end - Ben was in charge of supplying the weed and Kenny was in charge of supplying the Kava. Ben was permanently smashed and Kenny was the ukelele player for the village band and had a fascination with Hulk Hogan bizzarely enough!

And the there was Livi (Napoleons wife), Aporosa (Napoleons son), Juta (the guide), Adi, Reva, Deta, Victor, Toni, Ini, Joe, Eddie, Abo and Vani. Who all worked at the resort.

Bula Fiji!

I arrived in Fiji as the sun was setting which was at an earlier time than I expected it to be also it happened so fast! (a great view though - oranges and reds and the like). The heat hit me like a warm blanket and there were singers serenading us all as we came off the plane.

Sadly, my first impression of Fiji was bad and that's because I stayed in Nadi for the night (don't worry though - first impressions don't mean anything - I loved Fiji!). Nadi is like any other port or gateway into a country - it attracts the worst elements of society! (notable examples are Auckland, Tangiers and (of course) Plymouth!). The first thing I saw was a McDonalds if that puts things into perspective(?!).

I was staying at the Nadi Bay Hotel which was nice enough but it was full of "Feejee Experiencers" all wanting to get pissed or brag about sexual conquests (I had nothing to say, of course!) - there was one particular girl who made a huge issue out of being a vegan - I hated her with a passion! There was no escape either as there is nothing in Nadi apart from taxi drivers trying to sell you drugs or the possibility of getting mugged or stabbed or............. both, I suppose! The only funny part about it all was that someone told me about sorryeverybody.com in which Americans can apologise to the rest of the world for the re-election of George W. Bush - I haven't checked it out yet but it made me laugh anyhow.

The next morning, I decided to leave Nadi as soon as possible, so I made a reservation to stay for a few days at the Beachouse on the Coral Coast (on the main island of Viti Levu) and work my way around Fiji from there. There was a bit of a wait so I lounged by the pool as the planes whizzed overhead.

The journey was very...............different. It was a privately run shuttle so the driver picked up people on the road as it pleased him. He had decorated his dashboard quite elaborately with tassels, fringes, fake flowers and even a little shrine. He was also playing some kind of terrible techno music (mainly covers of songs like Sweet Home Alabama - you know the sort of thing) - the strange thing was, we (the pasengers could tell that the driver didn't like the music and we certainly didn't like it so it's a mystery why he kept it on! Anyway, after about 90 minutes of techno heaven we arrived at the Beachouse.

The Beachouse is a resort in a coconut grove with it's own beach. It is run by some Fijians who live a small village right next to the resort and most of the people there are either farmers or they work at the resort (The main crop in that part too was the cassava plant of which the root is ground up to make Kava - they were sort of kava dealers if you like!).

The atmosphere there was great and after a few days, I had quite got the hang of "Fiji-Time". However, because of the heat, I had lost my appetite and I didn't eat that much for the first few days.

The days all seemed to follow the same sort of format too - it had become quite predictable:

8am to 9am - Wake up to beautiful sunshine and have breakfast.
9am to 12pm - find a hammock and stay there - read a book/ snooze/ perv - do what you like - the wind starts to pick up.
12pm to 3pm - a little bit of cloud rolls in and it's time for lunch - there is also a chance to make something out of a coconut shell (e.g. jewellry etc.)
3pm to 4pm - the cloud goes away and the wind dies down - everyone plays a little bit of volleyball.
4pm - Someone bangs the drum and the free afternoon tea stampede commences - It can get a bit frenzied - never get between an englishman and his scones and jam!
4pm to 7pm - the locals (having finished work) come down to the beach and everyone plays volleyball until light stops play and everyone stops to marvel the sunset - it's also Happy Hour at the bar.
7pm till late - Dinner is served (which is usually delicious and a slap up feed) and everyone gets pissed up or stoned or.......... both! Of course there is the occasional Kava ceremony as well which just adds to the effect of the drink and/or drugs.

After about a week, I suddenly realised that I hadn't actually left the resort since I arrived! That was definitely a good thing about the place - I was relaxed, tanned and untroubled and I was loving every minute.

Leaving New Zealand

Sebastien had been kind enough to offer me a lift back to Christchurch the following morning and even though it didn't make a difference to me (money wise), I thought, Why not? So I cancelled my place on the coach and waited for Sebastien to get his stuff together. We jumped into his car and we began our journey...............however, I was not in the car to start with - I was pushing it - his battery had gone flat! We got it going (just) and then it went flat again at the Maori village at the bottom of the hill. Upon investigation, he had no water in his battery! We got it all sorted in the end and the subsequent journey was pleasant enough (we talked about music mainly). I was dropped back at the Foley Towers in Christchurch and I was feeling relaxed and prepared for my flight the next morning.

I'd popped into Cathedral Square to get some dim sum and to check on my emails and on my return to the hostel, I was pleased to be looking at a familiar face - it was Seb (not the one with the car but the one I'd travelled round most of New Zealand with). We chatted for a while and caught up with each others travels (even though it had only been about 8 days since we saw each other!).

To mark the end of our adventures together, we decided to go out for some food and have a few beers. We ate souvlaki (which is like a posh kebab - i.e. no seagull meat!) and then we moved onto some of the local bars. First up was called the Zinc Bar was beautifully furnished but the clientelle were all arseholes.

We settled in a pub much closer to the hostel (called Pomeroys) which was friendly and there was a wide selection of locally made beers. Despite having to be up early the next morning, I sunk a few and got a little bit drunk. I even managed to beat Seb at table football by the end of the night (gasp!).

I still managed to get up very early the next morning in order to catch the shuttle to the airport. My first flight was from Christchurch to Auckland and I was fortunate to get a window seat - I had a birds eye view of both of the islands - it was worth the flight fare to see the mountains and lakes on such a clear day.

When I arrived in Auckland, it was a different story - it was always cloudy in Auckland, it seems. After I checked in, I had about 5 hours to wait for my flight to Fiji and boredom overcame me (for quite a lot of that time I devised a music challenge for my brother but it was so dull, I haven't even bothered to challenge him with it yet).Thankfully, the time went by quite quickly in the end and I was on my way to the pacific islands.

Looking back on my time in New Zealand, I can honestly say that it was probably the most beautiful place that I've ever been. I can't understand how people miss it out when they take the time to travel to Australia (or try try and see it in a few short weeks) - it just doesn't give it any justice. I am intensely jealous of Rich & El who are spending thier 1 year wedding anniversary there next year - I'll have to try and find a way to abduct them and go in their place.

Farmlife at Onuku

After watching the sunrise and swimming with the dolphins, I was pretty exhausted. I had been dozing off in one of the hammocks and helping Graham set up the programs on his new laptop as new guests started to arrive at the camping ground (it's typical how people with no idea about technology always get state of the art equipment and don't know how to use it!).

There was Bridget from Holland - a looney and no mistake - Sebastien from Germany - a looky likey of Marcus Gray - and then there was Ferdinand and Katrin from Austria. After an evening game of volleyball, doing our best to avoid the sheepshit, everyone seemed very keen on going fishing the next morning and trying to catch some dinner. As Graham had been kind enough to cook me some freshly caught (and delicious) Moki for helping him earlier, I was keen to tag along in the hope of getting another free meal.

We all set off to arrive at the fishing spot, reccommended to us by Tristan, for low tide. However, we all got a bit lost (as nothing is signposted) and we went full circle and arrived at the swimming beach instead! It didn't matter though as there were plenty of mussels to pick and use as bait there. In fact, we had a back up plan and we picked enough mussels for us to have for dinner if we didn't catch anything (which is what I expected to happen). However, that wasn't a problem as we caught 4 fish and two of them were big-uns too!(well.........Sebastien and Ferdinand caught them - I was supervising them). The fish we caught were called Guffeys - I've never heard of them before but they were damned ugly.

When we got back from our successful fishing trip, the german-speakers gutted and cleaned the fish while Tom, "Camp Andy" (as Tom has taken to calling him - he's responsible for cleaning the campground, see?) and I decided to make some goalposts out of any spare straight wood we could find. We made it a bit of a quest and once we'd started, we were adamant of it's completion by the time I left the following day and we wanted to have a bit of a kick around. It was a great distraction for us all and we felt quite manly and butch once we got the hammer and nails out! Once the frames were made, we wrapped chicken wire over the back as the netting and then they were complete. We were all so proud and we even signed them for future generations of travellers to marvel at them - saying that, they probably fell apart just after I left!

That evening we had a banquet of mussels, fish and veg - there was so much that no-one went hungry. Bridget exclaimed at one point "It's like an angel has pee'd in my mouth!". I was in hysterics at that point but in hindsight, the thought of receiving a golden shower from a celestial being should be quite pleasant.

Afterwards we had a bit of a kick around but not for long as we were all far too full. As darkness fell and all the washing up had been done, the "onuku gang" all gathered around the wood burner in the lounge room/ hut and those with any musical talent entertained the rest of us. The headline act was Sebastien to seemed to have all manner of instruments with him - he played the guitar extremely well and was adept on the mouth harpsicord too but the best part was when he started to play the vacuum cleaner like a didgeredoo!

The next day I went for a walk to the Nikau Palm Reserve which is at the far end of the farm. There was all manner of wildlife on the way - red-taled hawks, califonian quails and lots of inquisitive (yet easily scared) sheep. The palm reserve is the most southernmost location of palm trees in New Zealnd because the valley it is in has it's own microclimate. The entire walk was fantastic for the simple reasons that it was a beautiful sunny day and there was no-one else on the track at all - the whole of the Banks Peninsula felt deserted and for my eyes only.

That evening we had our inaugural football match and gave our goalposts their first real test - as rustic as they looked they were bloody sturdy! There was a lot of sheep shit around so there were a lot of (unintended) slide tackles. It was a shame to be leaving Onuku as it was very special to me and a great place to end my adventures in New Zealand.

That evening, I received a message from Carr saying that he had just been deported out of Germany as he forgot his passport - apparently he was escorted (frogmarched even) out of the country by the police AND the army. I haven't heard from him since as my phone was defunct in Fiji and there have been no emails - why do things like that always happen to him!