Cloth Of Chaos

California Reaming

2004-12-21T01:48:00.000Z

Strange but true, Americans use the word "Reaming" to imply a strict telling off - I was shocked that people didn't realise that it is also a sexual act.

The next five days took me all the way down the West Coast and through to Arizona. It was hard going as I slept in the car for 4 nights, but the views were spectacular. Here are the places I visited:

Big Sur National Park - I started to drive down the coast from San Francisco on Highway 1 and the road soon narrowed and I was on the coast. It was a nice relaxing drive until it got dark and civilastion ended just as I was starting to run out of fuel! The roads were winding and I was in the red by the time I got to a gas station which turned out to be Big Sur. The only trouble was that they were the only gas station in a 90 mile readius so they charged me double the normal amount. It was just like paying for fuel in England again!

I decided to stop over for the night but not to pay the astronomical prices for a room - I had a meal in a bar and watched the Monday Night Football (which is the type of football with shoulder pads and make-up under the eyes). I then found a layby at the side of the road and slept in the car. Thankfully, it was a deserted area so there was no hassle from either the police or gay truckers.

I woke up to realise that a storm had hit the coast during the night and there were bulldozers out on the roads clearing fallen rocks from the roads! I wasn't parked anywhere dangerous but I did stop and wait for the bulldozers to do their thing before I set off again!

Because of the storm, the sea was rugged and rough and there was a lost of mist still in the mountains which made it quite a spectacular view on my drive down the coast. As I neared the end of the national park, there was a beach that was dominated by elephant seals - they were monoliths (just like the ones in San Francisco at Pier 39) and I was able to get quite close to them as I was up on the cliffs. I passed San Luis Obispo and Santa Cruz to reach my destination at Santa Barbara by that evening.

Santa Barbara - Again I slept in the car, but this time I was able to park the car right by the beach in Santa Barbara. I woke up and walked along the beach to the pier and had breakfast in Sambos Diner (not very P.C.). After breakfast, I wandered up State Street to downtown Santa Barbara - on the way I saw a strangely decorated campervan that had to be seen to be believed (I took a photo of it of course) - it's a mystery as to how fast it can go without everything falling off it!

I walked around the historical buildings, sent some postcards and wandered around Macy's to get "christmasy" - I even bought a Christmas CD as I only have the one CD for the car - I picked the album with the most obscure and offensive artists (N*Sync, Barry Manilow, Barbara Streisand, and Celine Dion to name a few) - it's a terrible album! I wonder who I'll give it to for Christmas?!

I also had a chance to go to the cinema and watch Blade Trinity on it's opening day - to be fair, the film was pants (Despite Triple H being in it which was funny (I knew Gav would appreciate it for that reason) and they had an obsession with I-Pod's - I wonder how much they got paid to plug by Apple?) and that was to be expected, but I also wanted to see what it was like in an American cinema - popcorn is smothered in fat, drinks are bigger than small children and the some wierdo even clapped when it ended.

Los Angeles - I spent the night asleep in the Walmart 50 miles from L.A. as it has a special car park specifically for overnighters. I wanted to see Hollywood on my way through so I got off the freeway on Santa Monica Boulevard and I drove down towards Beverley Hills. I stopped off to see how big their house were and I later learned that I had driven right past Harrison Ford's house and O.J. Simpson "old" house - bit wierd, eh? I also had a chance to walk down Rodeo Drive and walk past shops that wouldn't let a scruff bag like me in anyway, and also to see the plastic surgery ridden denizens of Hollywood - everyone looked like mannequins.

For some reason, I couldn't find the Hollywood Sign and I got very lost driving round and around. I eventually found it and I was able to get my essential tourists photo. I proceeded to Hollywood Blvd to see the Avenue of Stars in the hope of seeing some classic names - it was strange as you'd expect it to be a classy area but there is nothing but prostitutes and homies everywhere. After half an hour I was satisfied with my quest - I had found many famous "star" names including, Sylvester Stallone, Wales's own Tom Jones and, the current "guvner" of California, Arnie. However, my favourite "star" find was Jack Klugman's aka Quincy - I was overjoyed.

Joshua Tree National Park - It took me nearly 2 hours to get out of LA, not only because of the traffic, but also because it's so huge! It was dark as I left the city limits and I realised that I was already dropping into the desert. There were wind farms all around and I passed Palm Springs and eventually slept for the 4th successive night in the car in Yucca Valley.

The following day, I decided to drive through the Joshua Tree National Park as an introduction to the desert landscape. The Joshua Tree was named by the mormos who named it after Joshua as it depicted him raising his arms to heaven - this is yet more proof that religion is an excuse for insanity as Joshua must have had about 8 or more arms for this to be an accurate comparison.

The natinal park was very beautiful and my first stop was at Keys View - I was able to see the Salton Sea (the lowest part of the US at 228 ft below sea level), the San Andreas Fault and the Palm Springs valley. I passed through to Cottonwood Springs and decided to do one of the hikes available. I walked to Mastadon Peak past the rare California sun palms and I even got lost from the path as it was poorly marked - I was slightly afraid of coming across any rattlesnakes as they are common in that area but the only wildlife I saw were small lizards. The walk was marked as a 3 hour trip but I did it in 50 minutes - I think this is more of a statement about the average expectations of the "American Walker" and their potential size!

I left the park and made my way to Arizona. I stopped off at the Chiriacco Summit Diner which was very old-school - it looked like the decor hadn't been changed since the 1940's! The rest of the day was a 3+ hour drive through the desert.

I passed a place called Quartzsite, which is the epitomy of a trailer park trash town - nothing but RV's and campervans as far as the eye can see. I passed Blythe State Prison which was signposted and then below the sign was a warning: "Do not pick up hitchhikers" - it should have also stated "especially one's with arrows on their pyjamas".

If You're Going to be "Munsoned" Out in the Middle of Nowhere, Be Sure to Wear a Flower in Your Hair

2004-12-21T01:13:00.000Z

I woke up in Reno with frost on the inside of my car. It was cold. I had some breakfast and ventured into Reno and went to the only place I intended to go - the National Bowling Stadium. I was fortunate enough to be there for a bowling tournament which was scheduled that day and I was able to see some true athletes in action - no famous names but they all had the kit and their own balls and stuff. The actual bowling scores weren't that impressive though - the highest score I saw was 247 but most were around 150 - I could've been in with a shot if I'd have registered but they didn't believe me when I said my name was Roy E. Munson.

The sad thing was that I had travelled over 700 miles out of my way and slept two nights in the car just to phone up my brother and make him laugh about where I was (which he did and he guessed where I was sthraight away). I bought him a souvenir at the pro shop and I couldn't find the salad bar that claimed to have over 50 types of potato topping so I made my way out West to try and get to San Francisco by that evening.

My journey there was pretty quick but as the winter solstice is approaching the sun set quickly and it was dark by the time I arrived in San Fran which made it difficult to find the hostel, especially as I was stuck in rush hour on the Bay Bridge which was intimidating to say the least.

I stayed in the YHA (when I eventually found it) and I was having to pay a lot of money, not just for the room, but to leave the hire car in a valet/garage. This meant that my trip was going to be cut short unless I didn't want any money for the rest of the trip. I met the guy in my room (called Dave) who was from Melbourne and we chatted about the music scene in San Francisco which was pretty impressive - they advertised for DJ Vadim and Jazzy Jeff and all sorts but mainly for New Years Eve and Christmas parties which was a shame that I wouldn't be able to see them. His interests in music were very similar to me and my brother but I didn't get much of a chance to chat after that as he was awake for the night scene and I was awake in the daytime doing the tourist thing.

Night-time in San Fran is intimidating too as the bums are out in force - mental instability is rife in America and the tramps are experts in this field! I opted to shower up and get some good sleep for a change (as the cold nights in the car had taken their toll) and I felt much better about things and I almost felt human again.

The next day I went out to see the sights - I walked through Chinatown (but I didn't see David Lo-Pan), I then walked past Larry Flynt's Hustler Club but it was shut (too early). I reached Fishermans Wharf which has great views of Alcatraz and there are huge sea-lions that flank one side of the harbour. I went on to the Coit Tower which has panoramic views of San Francisco and, as it was a clear day, I was able to see everything. However, because of the smog (which is a huge problem in the States), my ohtos of the Golden Gate Bridge and the Bay Bridge seem distant. Because of this, I decided to walk to the Golden Gate Bridge which, I have learned, is quite far from the Coit Tower!

Before I got there, I stopped for some clam chowder at Pier 39 which was superb and then I walked up the beaches and parks to get to the bridge. I had been walking for 2 hours when I finally got a s close as I wanted - walking on the bridge was not necessary! By the time I got back to the hostel, I was pooped - they weren't lying about the hills here! I got an early(ish) nightand just stopped in the diner next door to the hostel for some dinner.

The following day I planned to leave, but not before visiting the City Hall and going to the library to check my emails and catch up on the Blog. While I was entering the library, I was sure I saw Robin Williams walk by but I couldn't be sure - when I was chatting to someone in the library, they said that he lives nearby so it could've been him. Other than that, it was an uneventful day - the libraries here seem to attract all the bums and weirdos though - one guy with taped up glasses (always a sign of mental illness) was playing with a knive in the queue for the internet and all the tramps go in there to keep warm and gamble on-line - freaks!

Going Back In Time

2004-12-14T01:01:00.000Z

The flight to LA was strange because of the time zones - I left at 23.15 on the 2nd of December and I arrived at 13.30 on the 2nd December, almost 10 hours before I left! It was freaky and I thought I would have been quite jetlagged but I wasn't affected that badly.

Customs weren't necessarily strict, as you would expect from US customs these days, but they were extremely inneficient - they only had 7 or so counters open for over 500 passengers trying to pass through - they did take fingerprints and a photo of you at the counter though which was time consuming too. Once I got my bags I was out on the street and looking for somewhere to hire a car from. I opted for Budget as the name seems to suit my requirements - they got me a Chevrolet Cavalier and, even though it was described as a small car, it was still pretty big.

My introduction to driving in the US was more like a baptism of fire as I was straight into a 5 lane motorway North towards Nevada - I wanted to go to Santa Barbara first but I was misdirected to the wrong highway! Driving in America is an experience - there are fast food outlets aplenty every 5 miles and every once in a while some place would say "Martys Diner - still serving Pea Soup" whatever that meant - it was always pea soup!? Also, all the streets are famous in some way - Mulholland Drive, 8 Mile Road, Madison Avenue, and my favourite one was rather festive - Santa Claus Lane!

As I only had one CD, I had to make do with the radio for most of my travelling too - the stations are varied and weird - occassionally I'd get the odd hip-hop or Rock station but the general concensus is hispanic radio (like Little Spanish Flea on a continuous loop) and evangalists and Country and Western.

The traffic was immense and I know now why my car was described as small, because compared to the huge SUVs they have here, I was small-fry! I stopped in Fresno and then Bakersfield on my way to the Seqouia National Park which I planned to explore the next day so I decided to sleep in the car at a rest area. However, after 5 minutes I had some trucker asking me all sorts of dumb questions and he was probably going to solicite me for some sexual act sooner or later so I made my excuses and drove on! I eventually slept in the Seqouia National Park's car park as there was no-one there.

What I didn't realise was that the National Parks are more like drive-thru national parks and it's all quite spaced out so I wasn't able to see much of the park as I was low on fuel. I did manage to see the Giant Forest and the General Sherman Tree which is believed to be the largest living thing in the world. However, I was caught unprepared again and my camera ran out of batteries so I don't have any pictures of the Seqouias! There was a lot of wildlife on the roads like deer and squirrels and rabbits, but there were no bears as forewarned which I was glad about. There had also been fresh snowfall in the mountains which made me nervous to go any further because I had no snow chains for my tyres. I didn't think it through that well, really!

Around Sacramento, I had a bit of an accident in the car and scraped the bumper on a low wall of a drive thru ATM - It was a bit silly really and I didn't even see the wall - I was thinking of covering the whole front of the car in mud to hide the scratch but I may as well just face the music, eh?

I decided to make my way to Reno and I stopped at the bottom of the Sierra Nevada mountains for some food - food portions are so huge here that I have had very few meals because each one is the equivalent of 3 british meals!

The American people I had met had been quite worrying too - when I explained my accent and that I had been travelling, some people would know where New Zealand is! Most people that you meet on the road are very weird too - If people don't expect a tip, they hardly notice you exist! I was also accosted by a bible basher in Subway which is the last place I expected to be approached by Jesus' teachings - as I left they called out to me "God Bless you! Remember Jesus died for you". It seems that turning to religion is an excuse to be insane in this country.

A Week in the Yasawas

2004-12-13T20:27:00.000Z

I had paid to travel on the Yasawa Flyer (a huge yellow catamaran) to get to Tavewa and Kuata in the Yasawa group of islands. However, it only left the mainland once a day, at 9am. This meant that I had to spend another night in Nadi. Learning from my previous experience, I went straight to bed (with no supper and no bedtime story!) and charged my batteries for the impending 4 hour journey on the catamaran.

The courtesy bus picked me up at 8am and it whisked me off to Denarau Marina. I was beginning to regret my decision to leave the Beachouse as everyone on the bus seemed to be the sort of people I had tried to avoid on my travels. You know............ assholes. When I boarded the Yasawa Flyer it wasn't all that bad but there were a lot of trendy young people looking for some action and I didn't feel that I fitted in at all.

Tavewa was my destination and, as the catamaran cruised through the clear blue waters past the tiny party islands of the Mamanaca Group we quickly reached teh Yasawas which were huge and mountainous in comparison.

The time flew by and most of the people were on package holidays that didn't include Tavewa in their itinerary which was a relief. I was the only person leaving the catamaran to go to David's Place Resort on the island.

As we approached, I saw some people waving at me and shouting n the beach and it was the Chaos Family (the Smiths) and they had caught the float plane there a few days before me. Isaac was happy because now he had his volleyball teacher back and he'd been practising a lot since I had seen him last and I was amazed at how quickly he learnt things (this includes making excuses when it goes wrong and swear words).

There werea total of 16 people staying at the resort and the dorm was virtually empty. All meals were included which were quite nice but not the best food I've had recently. The first thing I did at Tavewa was play volleyball with the locals and the one of the guests that was staying there (Dave) accidentally headbutted a breezeblock that was hanging from a rope (to keep the net tense) in true cartoon fashion - I'm surprised he didn't knock himself out!

The evening were bizarre as Ben, the manager of the resort, would introduce new people and say farewell to people leaving. However, he had a serious problem with communication and this could go on for as long as 30 minutes! Some people even tried escaping the lecture right after dinner time but it was difficult to leave in the middle of his spiel.

The next day, the Chaos family and I decided to have a planned shipwreck on the island - They dropped us off on a beach around the headland and, as it was deserted, we would set up a shelter, go snorkelling and catch some fish with Nigels spear gu and, when we wanted to go back, we would find our own way through the jungle. Well..... that was the plan anyway. We made our shelter out of palm fronds and driftwood and it was pretty effective - Biz and Pip were out of the sun and the breeze and the boys (Nigel, Isaac and me) went for a wander on the shore looking for wildlife and exploring the cliffs and caves nearby.

The snorkelling was off the cards as the tide was too low and we would have been impaled on the coral if we tried. So, we walked in the shallow water to the next two coves.The walk was teeming with wildlife: baby starfish, fish, crabs, and I even nearly trod on a whitebandedsea snake! (talk about shit yourself!).

The coves were great to explore and it was pikey heaven as there were all manners of interesting shells and stuff washed up on the shores. We made our way back to our "private beach" and, as a lot of the wood was hollow, we had an impromptu musical interlude banging the drum like logs and sticks - I even made some maracas out of a coconut and some small shells!

It was threatening to rain and the jungle was very dense so we walked around the shoreline to find our way back. Just as it started to rain we were in the bar with a beer in our hands of the neighbouring resort to David's Place! Not exactly roughing it but at least we tried the castaway lifestyle for a short while!

Despite it being quite cloudy while I was on Tavewa, I suffered from a bit of heatstroke and I had pulled a nerve in my shoulder from too much volleyball which put me out of action for a few days. I just read my books and did a bit of hiking around the island which was good fun too - the only map of the island that was available was like a treasure map but without the "X" marking the spot for the buried treasure (Aaarrrr - jim lad!).

Before I knew it, I was saying goodbye again and I was on my way to Kuata which is the southernmost island in the Yasawas. On the boat, I bumped into The Bristols again and this time they had an entourage - Jo and Gemma from London. They were all going to Kuata too.

Whilst I was trying to avoid lairy behaviour in Fiji, I wasn't that bothered by being back in "Club Rep" territory and a few drinks loosened me up a bit. There were a few tossers there but they didn't hang around me much because I didn't have boobs. Mind you, I must admit - I will miss the bikinis when I get back home - surely it'd be too cold for me to wear them in winter!

The views from Kuata were spectacular and the food was even better - it was real traditional cuisine and one night they even said that cutlery wasn't allowed to be used. I loved shoving my fingers into my food but most people didn't know what to do with themselves! (The soup was quite difficult though.)

I spent my last few days recouperating from my bad shoulder and read my books - the island was over run with Mana birds which have peculiar bird calls - they almost sounded like some one impersonating a bird or many different birds even! I t reminded me of Three Amigos every time I heard them!

On my last night, I decided to let my hair down a bit and started the drinking games with Gemma, Jo and a New Zealander called Adam who was quite loopy - he would have 3 conversations with himself at the same time and he'd have finished all of them by the time someone else got a word in edgeways! Anyway, to cut a long story short, we all got very drunk, we changed clothes and danced around, and ended up on the beach attempting to do handstands and sing songs from TV musicals. Bit sad really but I suppose you had to be there!

My last day in Fiji was nearly uneventful: I got back on the catamaran to go back to the mainland and then was taken straight to the airport (no stopping in Nadi this time, thank God!). However, in the airport, I was wandering around waiting to check in my bags and I bumped into Kelsie, my ex-girlfriend! I was shocked! It was good to see her (and damn, she looked good!) - she has been travelling with her boyfriend around Asia, Australia and New Zealand (basically the same trip as me) and I didn't even know she was out here. We chatted for a while but I never got to meet her new boyfriend - oh well! It was the biggest surprise I've had on my trip though and thankfully a pleasant one.

Beachouse Part 2 - What Actually Happened

2004-12-09T04:09:00.000Z

As I've already mentioned, it took a while for me to get out of the resort and do something other than read my book and play volleyball, but these are the things that happened when I did venture out of the Beachouse:

A Trip into Sigatoka - My first excursion and Bart, Will and I caught the bus up to the nearest town which was Sigatoka. We caught the express public shuttle bus which was more modern than I expected - it had air con, the seats were comfy and they even had a Jackie Chan film playing on the TV! We arrived in the town centre and next to the bus station was the market where most fruit and veg were sold but also it was aplace to sucker in the tourists. I was luck not to be targetted that badly and I was only interested in buying a sarong and a Bula shirt (its a bit like a hawaiian shirt) in my attempt to blend in - I knew that I had to seriously work on my tan and get a very frizzy permto be truly authentic though! I was also surprised at the population of indians in Fiji - most of the shops were run by them.

As Will and Bart were getting their food shopping done, I bought some fijian cigars for Napoleon in the market. It was a great experience and I knew that Napoleon would appreciate the gift. The others were taking forever to get their shopping done so I said I'd meet them back at the Beachouse. I got the local bus this time and it took twice as long. It was great fun though - old men were singing and kids were saying hello to everyone we passed in the bus. After a while I was the only non-fijian on the bus and I got toknow the other passengers and what they did for work, etc. It was a unique experience and everyone was so friendly.

My First Kava Ceremony - They often set up the massage hut at the resort for the guests to experience kava for the first time. Its a very pleasant cermony: everyone sits in a circle on the floor and two people sit in the middle and prepare the kava and pass it around. Everyone has a drink and then usually 3 people get out guitars and a ukelele and sing songs until the chief announces the next round of kava. People can request either low tide or high tide which means how full the kava bowl is filled.

It was great fun and it was generally a weak mixture (the equivalent of Tesco Value Lager!) andno-one really felt any ill effects and, quite often, people said it had no effect on them. I soon learnt that it's actually great stuff!

The Rugby Match: Nadro v Suva - Sigatoka has the home ground for Nadro which is the namefor the Coral Coast region (as it was a regional match). Suva were the favourites as it is the capital city of Fijiand they generally have the wealth to buy the best players. It was a big occassion as it was one of the last games of the season and it was between the top 2 teams in the league. This meant that there were a lot of the Fijian National squad on display.

We were dropped off in Sigatoka to get any shirts,flags or bandanas for the game and also to have a bit of lunch. We had a long time to wait though and eventually we were taken to the stadium.

As the temperature was around 35 degrees celcius, I chose to sit in the pavilion which some might have thought was quite snobby but it was mainly for families who didn't want their children to get heatstroke or too dehyrated. I was glad I was in the shade too as the sun was very strong and 3 hours or so could have been the end of me. Eventually the match got under way and we cheered for the home team (because we didn't want to get beaten up) and I was amazed at the power and brutality of the way the Fijians play and ,to top it off, to be able to maintain that level of play in such sweltering heat! Nadro won in the end (15 -9) and the crowds were generally very well behaved.

On the journey back, everyone was dropped off at the liquor store to get some beers and by the time we got in the truck to go back to the resort, the drinking games had started - it was good fun but you tend to make more mistakes when drinking on an empty stomach - I was always caught out because of waving my Nadro flag out of the truck as the locals cheered at us.

Volleyball Tournament - Roger had organised a 2-on-2 beach volleyball tournament and I was teamed up with Tarkan - he was pretty useless but we had a lot of fun with it and it wasn't really that competitive. The wind was pretty strong too but that didn't bother me having played the last few years at Perranporth in Cornwall where the wind usually played volleyball for you!

We got to the final against Napoleon and Alex and they were just too casual - Napoleon seems to be able to get to the ball with minimal movement and while smoking a cigar!

Scuba Diving - Having not gotten off my arse to go snorkelling at any time, I decided to go one step further and do some scuba diving instead. My "buddy" for the diving was called Paul and he was staying at the Beachouse too. The company organising the diving was called Mikes Divers and it was dirt cheap.

I was surprised that when we went out in the boat we never had to go very far to get to a dive site - it was all so convenient. On the first dive we saw a lot of fish I haven't seen before such as batfish, lionfish and huge lobsters and some of the usual stuff like turtles. The dive master also found a golden coerie which is an extremely rare shellfish and was worth quite a bit of money - I don't know ifhe should have taken it back to the shore but he did anyway!

The second dive was more thrilling and it was at a site called Morgan's Wall - the visibility was about 15 metres or so and The first half was quite boring - there was virtually no aquatic life around. Then, all of a sudden, loads of thingsapproached us at once - there was a maori wrasse, a pregnant white tip reef shark and most frightening of all was a white banded sea snake which is the most venomous snake in the world! It was a good 15 mtres away from me though so I didn't need to expel any "ink"!

Jungle Trek - It was a sunday so the resort was offering no activities for the day. However, I had itchy feet and I was eager to do some form of exercise. Joe (from California) was also eager to do something and as he had already done the jungle trek with Jua a few days previously, he said he would take me to the waterfall track as he knew the way. Cheyenne (from Canada) also came with us.

It was a great trail and we had to cross alot of streams and pass through some bamboo forests that would creak eerily all the time. Joe was very good at remembering the information about the plants that he had been told about and their medicinal properties - it was interesting stuff.

When we got to the waterfall, it was more of a dribble as it hadn't rained for a long time. It was still possible to swim in it though and we cautiously dived in. It was refreshing but the water had become slightly stagnant and caterpillars and spiders crawled all over the rocks - I'm useless with creepy crawlies so I wasn't that adventurous at climbing up the waterfall! On the way back to the shore I bombed into the water and realised that it was really shallow and my bum disturbed all the leaves and twigs that had settled at the bottom. I only realised when I got back that quite a lot of the debris had gotten into the netting of my shorts and it looked like tealeaves in a strainer or teabag - I can't have imagined it would be a very tasty brew!

Bula Massage - To reward myself for the recent burst of activity, I had a full body massage which was provided by a couple of the village women. They were very good actually and they weren't very rough like the Thais. They used a lot of oils and having massaged my face, I had a bit of a greasy beard!

I was very relaxed after the massage and when I nipped into Sigatoka to get some beers and supplies later that day, I fell asleep on the truck!

Kava Ceremonies at the Village - As previously mentioned, a lot of people would make jewellry and stuff out of coconut shells but I decided to make my own kava bowl. I had been sanding down half a coconut for about 5 hours or more and I wouldn't stop until Napoleonsaid it was done. It was quite a good one by many standras and I could ell that Napoleon was tempted to nick it off me!

As I'd become good friends with Kenny and Ben, they had invited me to Toni's house for a kava ceremony and we could "test drive" my new bowl. We ended up inviting about 12 other people from the Beachouse and we got through a lot of kava - i bought 30 bags of it which makes about 30 litres of kava (and it was pretty strong too - think.......... Special Brew). After the ceremnoy we all went to the beach and had a fire and got stoned. We stayed up pretty late as it was a clear night and we had a great time.

The next day I had a bit of gut rot from all the kava but I was lucky that it was better by the evening as it was my last night and we had planned to do it all over again!

This time we didn't have that much kava but we did have it with about 30 of the villagers which was much more authentic. When we got back to the beach for another bonfire, Kenny and Deta had made necklaces from frangipani flowers (which smell beautiful) and given them to me and Juergen as a farewell gesture. After that we drank beers while Kenny, Ben and Eddie sang farewell songs in Fijian for us and I was quite touched.

Making my Escape! - After 13 days at the Beachouse it was hard to leave, but I would have felt bad if I hadn't seen some of the other islands too while I was there so I felt I had to go.

Napoleon had also made me a necklace out of coconut shell and kept bringing out fresh fruit for me through all of my last day. I made sure I got his address in order to send him some photos when I get back to the UK.

I left on the last shuttle out of Sigatoka and I was even lucky enought o be first in line for afternoon tea that day - an achievement that I am quite proud of! It was hard to turn my back on a place that I could have stayed at for all the 7 months of my trip.

Beachouse Part 1 - The People

2004-12-09T03:16:00.000Z

Now I'm well aware that I've already met a lot of people on this trip and adding to this number will only make it more complicated (and possibly dull) for you but the days at the Beachouse all sort of melted together and it's hard to break up what actually happened with who and when. So Part 1 will introduce the "Players" and Part 2 will set the scene and I'll explain what happened while I was there - I hope this makes sense but it's easier for me to write it up this way round.

Here are the many people that I met during my time at the Beachouse:

Bart (Belgium) - He was one of the funniest guys there everyones friend and he would patrol up the beach everyday and check up on "his ladies". He is a nurse living in Melbourne and he always had a funny story to tell, even when he was smashed out of his face. We mainly talked about Eddie Wally, "The Voice of Europe" (anyone whos seen Eurotrash will know who he is) - his impression was so good I was convinced for a time that he was his love-child.

Nigel, Biz, Isaac and Pip (UK) - Later nicknamed the Chaos Family as they seemed to make a lot of noise collectively, especially at meal times. They come from St Agnes in Cornwall and they remind me in a weird way of my sister's family as they live on a farm too and are "countryfied" without being up their own arse. I taught Isaac how to play volleyball and he was great fun - 7 years old going on 17 by the seems of things. I met them later on in Fiji too so you won't have heard the last of them.

Clare and Gemma (UK) - The Bristols - they were so "yeah but....no but", you couldn't help but laugh whenever they opened their mouths. They were the life and soul whenever they were around and the locals all took a real shine to them. They were the sort of people that you never would have expected to like but you just can't help yourself.

Joe (USA) - Joe was from California and he was great to talk to and it was fun trying to make sense out of conversations after too much beer and weed.

Jurgen (Austria) - "Mein Brude", he was another really funny guy who was my drinking buddy on many occasions. He could also do that weird half-eye-closed sort of thing that Antoine De Caunes does (back to Eurotrash again! Did I really have such a misled youth?).

Roman (Germany) - Roman was one of the most quirky people I have ever met and he was so entertaining - he would always be making a sound or doing something quite irregular. His english wasn't perfect either so he would concentrate very hard during conversations. He was a bit like Jack Nicholson in one of his many roles but he could have been more crazy than that if he wanted to be!

Roger and Cheyenne (Canada) - The first people I met and I taught them the Pokerdice game and they loved it. Roger was a bit of a dick though - when he played volleyball he would commentate the play all the time - he also tried to usurp my pupil and teach Isaac how to play volleyball his way, but Isaac didn't want him to teach him as he was really pushy. Bless the children, eh?

Janos and Tarkan (Germany) - Janos was the self proclaimed ladies man and Tarkan was just weird but harmless enough - they'd always interupt conversation in a loud German kind of way. Tarkan was also obsessed with the fact that "mushy" in german was slang for a ladies front bits.

Gem (UK) - she wasn't speaking to anyone so I thought I'd break the ice - however, she had just left England and she has relationship issues that she decided to spill all over my conscience. That'll teach me to open my big mouth!

Jim and Joyce (Canada) - They were the long term guests who had already been there for 7 weeks when I got there. They'd spent over a year in Papua New Guinea too. They were very friendly and Jim resembled some kind of Yoda character (he was small and had a limp, OK?!) - he was also very good on the guitar and he would entertain everyone whenever a Kava ceremony was going on.

Will (UK) - A rugger bugger and no mistake - he was huge and he didn't like me so there's enough said about that.

Tom and Ben (New Zealand) - Ben was the quietest 6'4" man I've ever met and Tom was Comic Store Guy from the Simpsons (he actually worked in a comic shop in Auckland too) - he would talk continuously and would make random insane comments - probably a bit of an anarchist at heart.

Teri (Canada), Ivy and Clay (USA) - more of the first people I met when I got there and they all loved the Pokerdice game (perhaps I've hyped it up too much?)

Sylvia and Liz (Tasmania, Australia) - These two girls were pretty mad and they were just drunk most of the time (bless). I bumped into them in the Yasawas later on too.

Monica and Alex (Czech Republic) - They had been there for 2 months and thy showed no signs of leaving. She was a bit of a BOBFOC (Body off Baywatch, Face off Crimewatch) and had a bit of an attitude problem - and Alex was so quiet you hardly knew he was there sometimes. Also I found a poem about frogs at the bar which was directed at Monica - I laughed for days about it!

Then there were the locals:

Napoleon was in charge of the activities and he hardly said a word - he only spoke, when it mattered or something needed to be said. He was by far one of the kindest people I met while I was in Fiji. He taught me how to open up coconuts and he made volleyball look so easy as he smoked his cigars and hardly moved but still got the ball somehow.

Blicks was the barman and we got on really well as I seemed to see him quite a bit - especially around happy hour! We even had our own special handshake but it didn't mean that I got anything cheaper - it was just good to know the barman, that's all.

Hilary was the niece of the owner of the resort (she was from Australia and she was only 18). We only saw her for one night because she made such a spectacle of herself trying to down a bottle of vodka and then collapsing on the beach trying to go swimming and then pissing herself (literally). It was hilarious to watch but it must have been embarassing - (It reminded me of my leaving do at Royworld, oh happy days! ("Were going streaking!!!!!!!!")).

Kenny and Ben were my Kava drinking buddies by the end - Ben was in charge of supplying the weed and Kenny was in charge of supplying the Kava. Ben was permanently smashed and Kenny was the ukelele player for the village band and had a fascination with Hulk Hogan bizzarely enough!

And the there was Livi (Napoleons wife), Aporosa (Napoleons son), Juta (the guide), Adi, Reva, Deta, Victor, Toni, Ini, Joe, Eddie, Abo and Vani. Who all worked at the resort.

Bula Fiji!

2004-12-09T01:54:00.000Z

I arrived in Fiji as the sun was setting which was at an earlier time than I expected it to be also it happened so fast! (a great view though - oranges and reds and the like). The heat hit me like a warm blanket and there were singers serenading us all as we came off the plane.

Sadly, my first impression of Fiji was bad and that's because I stayed in Nadi for the night (don't worry though - first impressions don't mean anything - I loved Fiji!). Nadi is like any other port or gateway into a country - it attracts the worst elements of society! (notable examples are Auckland, Tangiers and (of course) Plymouth!). The first thing I saw was a McDonalds if that puts things into perspective(?!).

I was staying at the Nadi Bay Hotel which was nice enough but it was full of "Feejee Experiencers" all wanting to get pissed or brag about sexual conquests (I had nothing to say, of course!) - there was one particular girl who made a huge issue out of being a vegan - I hated her with a passion! There was no escape either as there is nothing in Nadi apart from taxi drivers trying to sell you drugs or the possibility of getting mugged or stabbed or............. both, I suppose! The only funny part about it all was that someone told me about sorryeverybody.com in which Americans can apologise to the rest of the world for the re-election of George W. Bush - I haven't checked it out yet but it made me laugh anyhow.

The next morning, I decided to leave Nadi as soon as possible, so I made a reservation to stay for a few days at the Beachouse on the Coral Coast (on the main island of Viti Levu) and work my way around Fiji from there. There was a bit of a wait so I lounged by the pool as the planes whizzed overhead.

The journey was very...............different. It was a privately run shuttle so the driver picked up people on the road as it pleased him. He had decorated his dashboard quite elaborately with tassels, fringes, fake flowers and even a little shrine. He was also playing some kind of terrible techno music (mainly covers of songs like Sweet Home Alabama - you know the sort of thing) - the strange thing was, we (the pasengers could tell that the driver didn't like the music and we certainly didn't like it so it's a mystery why he kept it on! Anyway, after about 90 minutes of techno heaven we arrived at the Beachouse.

The Beachouse is a resort in a coconut grove with it's own beach. It is run by some Fijians who live a small village right next to the resort and most of the people there are either farmers or they work at the resort (The main crop in that part too was the cassava plant of which the root is ground up to make Kava - they were sort of kava dealers if you like!).

The atmosphere there was great and after a few days, I had quite got the hang of "Fiji-Time". However, because of the heat, I had lost my appetite and I didn't eat that much for the first few days.

The days all seemed to follow the same sort of format too - it had become quite predictable:

8am to 9am - Wake up to beautiful sunshine and have breakfast.
9am to 12pm - find a hammock and stay there - read a book/ snooze/ perv - do what you like - the wind starts to pick up.
12pm to 3pm - a little bit of cloud rolls in and it's time for lunch - there is also a chance to make something out of a coconut shell (e.g. jewellry etc.)
3pm to 4pm - the cloud goes away and the wind dies down - everyone plays a little bit of volleyball.
4pm - Someone bangs the drum and the free afternoon tea stampede commences - It can get a bit frenzied - never get between an englishman and his scones and jam!
4pm to 7pm - the locals (having finished work) come down to the beach and everyone plays volleyball until light stops play and everyone stops to marvel the sunset - it's also Happy Hour at the bar.
7pm till late - Dinner is served (which is usually delicious and a slap up feed) and everyone gets pissed up or stoned or.......... both! Of course there is the occasional Kava ceremony as well which just adds to the effect of the drink and/or drugs.

After about a week, I suddenly realised that I hadn't actually left the resort since I arrived! That was definitely a good thing about the place - I was relaxed, tanned and untroubled and I was loving every minute.

Leaving New Zealand

2004-12-06T20:36:00.000Z

Sebastien had been kind enough to offer me a lift back to Christchurch the following morning and even though it didn't make a difference to me (money wise), I thought, Why not? So I cancelled my place on the coach and waited for Sebastien to get his stuff together. We jumped into his car and we began our journey...............however, I was not in the car to start with - I was pushing it - his battery had gone flat! We got it going (just) and then it went flat again at the Maori village at the bottom of the hill. Upon investigation, he had no water in his battery! We got it all sorted in the end and the subsequent journey was pleasant enough (we talked about music mainly). I was dropped back at the Foley Towers in Christchurch and I was feeling relaxed and prepared for my flight the next morning.

I'd popped into Cathedral Square to get some dim sum and to check on my emails and on my return to the hostel, I was pleased to be looking at a familiar face - it was Seb (not the one with the car but the one I'd travelled round most of New Zealand with). We chatted for a while and caught up with each others travels (even though it had only been about 8 days since we saw each other!).

To mark the end of our adventures together, we decided to go out for some food and have a few beers. We ate souvlaki (which is like a posh kebab - i.e. no seagull meat!) and then we moved onto some of the local bars. First up was called the Zinc Bar was beautifully furnished but the clientelle were all arseholes.

We settled in a pub much closer to the hostel (called Pomeroys) which was friendly and there was a wide selection of locally made beers. Despite having to be up early the next morning, I sunk a few and got a little bit drunk. I even managed to beat Seb at table football by the end of the night (gasp!).

I still managed to get up very early the next morning in order to catch the shuttle to the airport. My first flight was from Christchurch to Auckland and I was fortunate to get a window seat - I had a birds eye view of both of the islands - it was worth the flight fare to see the mountains and lakes on such a clear day.

When I arrived in Auckland, it was a different story - it was always cloudy in Auckland, it seems. After I checked in, I had about 5 hours to wait for my flight to Fiji and boredom overcame me (for quite a lot of that time I devised a music challenge for my brother but it was so dull, I haven't even bothered to challenge him with it yet).Thankfully, the time went by quite quickly in the end and I was on my way to the pacific islands.

Looking back on my time in New Zealand, I can honestly say that it was probably the most beautiful place that I've ever been. I can't understand how people miss it out when they take the time to travel to Australia (or try try and see it in a few short weeks) - it just doesn't give it any justice. I am intensely jealous of Rich & El who are spending thier 1 year wedding anniversary there next year - I'll have to try and find a way to abduct them and go in their place.

Farmlife at Onuku

2004-12-06T19:32:00.000Z

After watching the sunrise and swimming with the dolphins, I was pretty exhausted. I had been dozing off in one of the hammocks and helping Graham set up the programs on his new laptop as new guests started to arrive at the camping ground (it's typical how people with no idea about technology always get state of the art equipment and don't know how to use it!).

There was Bridget from Holland - a looney and no mistake - Sebastien from Germany - a looky likey of Marcus Gray - and then there was Ferdinand and Katrin from Austria. After an evening game of volleyball, doing our best to avoid the sheepshit, everyone seemed very keen on going fishing the next morning and trying to catch some dinner. As Graham had been kind enough to cook me some freshly caught (and delicious) Moki for helping him earlier, I was keen to tag along in the hope of getting another free meal.

We all set off to arrive at the fishing spot, reccommended to us by Tristan, for low tide. However, we all got a bit lost (as nothing is signposted) and we went full circle and arrived at the swimming beach instead! It didn't matter though as there were plenty of mussels to pick and use as bait there. In fact, we had a back up plan and we picked enough mussels for us to have for dinner if we didn't catch anything (which is what I expected to happen). However, that wasn't a problem as we caught 4 fish and two of them were big-uns too!(well.........Sebastien and Ferdinand caught them - I was supervising them). The fish we caught were called Guffeys - I've never heard of them before but they were damned ugly.

When we got back from our successful fishing trip, the german-speakers gutted and cleaned the fish while Tom, "Camp Andy" (as Tom has taken to calling him - he's responsible for cleaning the campground, see?) and I decided to make some goalposts out of any spare straight wood we could find. We made it a bit of a quest and once we'd started, we were adamant of it's completion by the time I left the following day and we wanted to have a bit of a kick around. It was a great distraction for us all and we felt quite manly and butch once we got the hammer and nails out! Once the frames were made, we wrapped chicken wire over the back as the netting and then they were complete. We were all so proud and we even signed them for future generations of travellers to marvel at them - saying that, they probably fell apart just after I left!

That evening we had a banquet of mussels, fish and veg - there was so much that no-one went hungry. Bridget exclaimed at one point "It's like an angel has pee'd in my mouth!". I was in hysterics at that point but in hindsight, the thought of receiving a golden shower from a celestial being should be quite pleasant.

Afterwards we had a bit of a kick around but not for long as we were all far too full. As darkness fell and all the washing up had been done, the "onuku gang" all gathered around the wood burner in the lounge room/ hut and those with any musical talent entertained the rest of us. The headline act was Sebastien to seemed to have all manner of instruments with him - he played the guitar extremely well and was adept on the mouth harpsicord too but the best part was when he started to play the vacuum cleaner like a didgeredoo!

The next day I went for a walk to the Nikau Palm Reserve which is at the far end of the farm. There was all manner of wildlife on the way - red-taled hawks, califonian quails and lots of inquisitive (yet easily scared) sheep. The palm reserve is the most southernmost location of palm trees in New Zealnd because the valley it is in has it's own microclimate. The entire walk was fantastic for the simple reasons that it was a beautiful sunny day and there was no-one else on the track at all - the whole of the Banks Peninsula felt deserted and for my eyes only.

That evening we had our inaugural football match and gave our goalposts their first real test - as rustic as they looked they were bloody sturdy! There was a lot of sheep shit around so there were a lot of (unintended) slide tackles. It was a shame to be leaving Onuku as it was very special to me and a great place to end my adventures in New Zealand.

That evening, I received a message from Carr saying that he had just been deported out of Germany as he forgot his passport - apparently he was escorted (frogmarched even) out of the country by the police AND the army. I haven't heard from him since as my phone was defunct in Fiji and there have been no emails - why do things like that always happen to him!

Swimming With Dolphins

2004-11-12T03:26:00.000Z

The sun was shining as the bus rolled into Akaroa which is a small french provincial village 80km from Christchurch and it's at the the heart of the Banks Peninsula. The Banks Peninsula was formed many years ago by three huge vlocanic eruptions that split the mountains asunder all the way into the sea - the sea then cascaded into the core area of the volcanoes and cooled them down and it is now a quiet harbour surrounded by steep hills that are green and covered with sheep. It's idyllic.

I had to wait for an hour or so until I was picked up to go to Onuku so I wandered around the village looking for a nice bakery or a cafe (or both). All of a sudden, a bearded man (called Paul) ran up to me asking how I was getting around New Zealand. His reason for asking is that he had just bought a boat in Dunedin and he was looking for a crew to sail up to Wellington and beyond. I would have been on that boat quicker than you can say "Avast, me hearties!" if I wasn't flying to Fiji from Christchurch in the next few days. I sat outside the Deli and had a hot chocolate and chatted with Paul who turned out to be a sled dog trainer who had lived in America for the last 15 years. Such a shame - what an adventure that could have been.

As I walked to get my lift, with my chicken, cranberry and brie pie (which was as nice as it sounds), I noticed that every shop seemed to have a beautiful woman working there - I started to think that Akaroa would be a nice place to live!

I was picked up by Jeff, the owner of the hostel, who was your typical friendly farmer who didn't understand why anyone would want to leave there. His driving was a bit crazy and he crushed my bag of food but I liked him.

Onuku Farm Hostel is paradise - it reminded me of Torr Farm (i.e. home) and Treyarnon Bay rolled into one. There weren't many guests there when I arrived, it was mainly just the staff and the residents: Tom (from Leeds) who was the manager, Graham the furniture designer, Bob and Twila (from USA) who come here every year and work on their holiday (!?), and Deb and Andy who have just started working there - I have met them on frequent occasions since Taupo (6 weeks ago!) - I suspect they may think I am stalking them. The Atmosphere in general is superb and extremely chilled out - A perfect place to finish my adventures in New Zealand.

The farm itself is a 1000 acre sheep farm with its own nature walks and a variety of animals: chickens, peacocks, pigs, cows and, of course, lots and lots of sheep! The summer hut I was staying in was very basic - just a few beds, a sink and a candle. There were some excellent showers and a long drop toilet nearby as well. As no-one else was staying in the summer hut, it was essentially only $10 (4 quid) for my own room!

I tried out one of the walks straight away as Andy and I went downhill to the swimming beach. It was only a short walk there and a dip in the sea was very refreshing but the walk back was very steep and I had to confront a bull in the bottom field so it took a bit longer! That night, Andy, Deb and I played pokerdice and I tried out one of the stargazers which was nice but a bit obscured by the trees.

The next morning, I wanted to watch the sunrise and Andy wanted to go too which really put the pressure on getting up early. I managed to get up at 4.45am and we both set off up the hill to try and get the best view of the sunrise. There was a lot of low level cloud cover when we set off so we got a bit lost ambling up the hill. When we got above the clouds though, it was still dark and the moon and the stars were still out. The view across the harbour was eerily calm and, in the distance, waterfalls of clouds cascaded into the valleys.

We decided to go off the track and walk up the steep hill side. However, every time we got to the top of the hill, there was another hill blocking the view of the approaching sunrise. We also had to vault over some barbed wire fences and we worried for a second that some of them could have been electrified. After an hour of hiking we reached our goal and we were able to view the sunrise over a sea of clouds - the view just took my breath away (and I was bloody knackered too!) - it really was a beautiful sight and it's moments like that that make you feel good to be alive. We had to take a photo of the two of us to prove to the others that we had actually bothered to get up and as we walked back down we thought that the photo could be captioned "Sunrise over the Andys".

We got back to the farm (which was still enveloped in clouds) for some breakfast before I was due to go out on the boat with Tristan (Jeff's son) in the hope of swimming with the rare Hectors Dolphins. We were informed by Tom that the morning that ,for such a large farm, we still managed to go onto the neighbouring farm by accident!

It was Tristan's first charter of the season so we didn't know what to expect - sometimes the dolphins just aren't in the mood. So, I got kitted out with some flippers, a mask and snorkel and a wetsuit and we went out on the water as soon as we could.

The clouds started to burn off as we set off on the boat and straight away the dolphins came up to the boat - there were only a few of them but the Hectors Dolphins are very special - they're very small (on average only 1.3m long) and they have rounded dorsal fins. They are likened as the teddy bears of the sea and for good reason - they're so cute! I jumped right in and swam with them for about 40 minutes - they're very inquisitive creatures by nature so they came right up to me, looking straight into my eyes and as they're smaller breed of dolphin, I was actually able to swim with them, instead of them just swimming past me at lightning speed!

After a while they needed to go and feed so I jumped back into the boat and Tristan took me up the coast to see some other parts of the farmstead and even more wildlife - there were blue finned penguins and a seal colony around the headland. We explored some caves and he showed me the Nikau Palm reserve which is protected by the DOC (Department of Conservation) even though it's on their land.

On the way back, we were approached by two larges pods of dolphins (there must have been about 60 of them!) and they were in a playful mood. As there were no other boats in the water, we were the centre of attention, so I jumped in again. It was an amazing feeling to be surrounded by all of those dolphins. I could tell that Tristan was chuffed to pieces as well because as we went to make our way back to land, the dolphins still wanted to play and they were chasing the boat - he larked around with them for about half an hour and they were jumping clear out of the water on both sides of the boat.

It really was a magical experience and by by far one of the highlights of my trip. Possibly one of the best days in my life.

Bathing in the Garden City

2004-11-07T04:36:00.000Z

The view over Lake Tekapo the next morning was amazing - the water was perfectly still and it had a great reflection of the mountains in the distance. The coach whisked me away from Tekapo and into Christchurch - The Garden City by mid-afternoon.

The weather wasn't great when I arrived so I delayed my conquest of the city (well.... getting my bearings at least) until the next day. The hostel I was staying in - Foley Towers (great name!) - had a bath in it , which is uncommon in a hostel. So, being a true Brit and because I hadn't had one since Indonesia, I had a long soak in the tub while I listened to some chill out music.

For the rest of the evening, I chatted to an English guy who was to the Onuku Farm Hostel in Akaroa, which was my next destination. Graham is a farmer who's having a bit of a rest from the UK (until March) and is having a go at furniture design (Sadly, he's like the male version of Sarah George, my nightmare client (who was also a furniture designer) when I was last working at Lang & Potter - Mum, Mel and Mushy'll remember her) He had made some of the huts at Onuku Farm Hostel as well which were called Stargazers - you can look at the stars through the glass roof as you go to sleep. Im ay give them a whirl when I get there.

I was up early the next day, and as it was a fantabulous day (I'm running out of adjectives to describe the nice weather I've had in NZ - It seems to have been great all the time!) I went out to explore the city - Cathedral Square is pretty much the centre of town. I have yet to see the famous "Wizard" who is a madman soap-boxer (not soap-dodger - they're completely different), who parades outside the cathedral. Christchurch seems to have a lot of choices for dining out - there's some great Asian food courts that I'm sure I'll try out when I return next week.

The rest of my day was spent strolling around the very pretty Botanical Gardens (which were in full bloom), perusing the stalls in the arts and crafts market, ambling down the Avon River and making my preparations for my impending visit to Akaroa.

P.S. I should hopefully have some more photos to send out soon - then you can all see what I mean about how beautiful the South Island is!

Back in the Mountains

2004-11-06T22:48:00.000Z

The trip up to Mt. Cook National Park was very different to the trip down the West Coast, which was just on the other side of the range of mountains we were following up - instead of rainforest, it was barren scrubland which was rugged yet still beautiful. The coach drove all the way up past Lake Pukaki to get to the Mt. Cook Village. The water is a strange turqoise colour because of the "rock flour" which is sediment washed down from the glaciers that floats in the water.

Mt. Cook Village is tiny and it's in a virtual cul-de-sac of huge snowcapped mountains. The main ones are Mt. Sefton, Mt. Footstool, Mt Wakefield, Mt. Dobson (my favourite!), Mt. Tasman and, of course, Mt. Cook. It's another destination popular with the koreans and the Japanese which meant that it was pretty pricey.

As it was a wonderful sunny day, I decided to walk up the hooker valley - sadly there were no prostitutes anywhere - I wore my lucky pants for nothing! There was a memorial by the start of the track which showed all the people who had died on the mountains - it seems that people die here all the time - I also saw on the news that an extreme skier had skied from the summit of Mt. Cook the day before I was there - with people like that living here, is it any wonder that people die here all the time?!

The walk was flat and pretty easy (by my recent standards) and I was overtaking people with gusto - I even passed Keith and Jane (an english married couple who Seb and I met aboard the Milford Wanderer - they are travelling for 7 months whilst visiting their two sons. One is in New Zealand and the other is in Australia) but not before I stopped for a little chat.

I had to cross a couple of swingbridges to get to the Hooker Lake and the wind was extreme and fierce - much worse than when Colin "Cannoncrack" farted on my head when I was 8 years old. The view at the end of the track was priceless: Mount Cook towering over the Hooker Glacier and the milklike waters of the Hooker Lake, which were at my feet, had huge chunks of ice that had fallen from the glacier that resembled little icebergs. There was also a huge overhanging glacier to the left that loomed over the lake and in the sparce vegetation there were clusters of Mount Cook Lillies (which are actually like white buttercups). It was simply breathtaking.

The following day the rain and the wind made the outdoors a no-go area. I was glad that the YHA I was staying in was well equipped for this kind of situation as they had the biggest video collection I have ever seen in a hostel - They even had Back to the Future and The Three Amigos! I invented a new sandwich combo in my boredom - peanut butter and dried banana - crunchy yet satisfying - and I also watched Castaway which is not a great idea to watch when you are due to fly over Fiji in a plane within the next week or so! It has influenced me to shave less though.I also tried to ring my Mum but she was in Malta on a cruise ship for work - who knows...... maybe she's going to be the next Jane McDonald?!

The following day was the 5th November - Fireworks Night. Sadly, they don't celebrate it the same way here (i.e. nobody was trying to knock off the neighbours chimney pot like we used to do to the Holsts at Lower Farm Road). But then again, I missed it last year as well - I was in Prague on Rich's stag do, but I'm not allowed to talk about that!

The sun had his hat on again so I checked out of the hostel and I walked up to Kea Point which had great views of Mt. Sefton and Mt. Footstool and it also had a towering cliff of silt and moraine dust from the glaciers that imposed on the view of Mt. Cook in the distance.

On the way back, I bumped into Katia and Dietmar from Germany who Seb and I had crossed paths with throughout our time in New Zealand. They were walking the Hooker Valley walk that I had done 2 days previously - they asked how long it would take and I casually told them that it should take about 3 hours. They had offered me a lift to Lake Tekapo when they got back from their walk, however, I had miscalculated how long the walk should have taken! It was more like 4 hours! By the time they got back, I was worried that they had either gone without me or got injured on the track - thankfully it was neither (not everyone can be superhuman like me!) and they delivered me to Lake Tekapo safely.

Lake Tekapo is a sleepy little place that has a little picturesque church and a statue of a dog and........... that's it really. The YHA was simple (as were the british couple attemting to play Cluedo behind me as I write this up!) but the views from the hostel were spectacular - It looked out across Lake Tekapo to Mt Cook and Mt Tasman.

As I hadn't planned to do much, I didn't do much! I contemplated a walk but sitting by the lake was enough to satisfy me. I'm coming into my last week in New Zealand and Fiji is just around the corner - I can almost smell the coconuts!

Halloween and the HBOS Reunion

2004-11-06T21:52:00.000Z

(I like the sound of this update - it's like the name of a Harry Potter book)

We were back in Queenstown on the 31st October which is Seb's birthday and, of course, Halloween. As we'd booked ourselves to do the Nevis Highwire Bungyjump, we checked into the YHA quickly and made our way to the AJ Hackett Office. Sadly all the hype dissipated when I got there - I was worried about any pressure on my (previously) broken leg and the women at the counter (who had whole bowls of chips on each shoulder, it seems) told me bluntly that it was against their policy to allow people with pins or plates in their legs to do a bungy jump. I was gutted, of course, but I still went along as a spectator anyway as it was Seb's Birthday and I also wanted to wind up all the other people that were nervous about doing it!

It was a 45 minute drive through the countryside to get to the Nevis Bungy station and it looked pretty scary. Even though I wasn't doing the jump, I was still able to go out to the cable car that everyone was jumping out of. It was great experience to be there and see all the build up and the fear in everyone's eyes, but it was dissapointing that I wasn't able to do it and it proved to me what most people that go to Queenstown are like as the other jumpers were nobheads. Seb enjoyed his jump though and when we got back, I exploted his adrenalin rush and took him straight to the pub.

As the evening approached, we still had to put the finishing touches to our costumes so I had a quick look in the woods behind the YHA for some materials and then we made them out on the veranda. It's always great fun to make your own costumes and what was even better was that both costumes cost us $12 (that's less than 5 quid!).

Seb was dressed up as Julius Caesar with his toga and laurel and his hair sprayed grey - he also sploshed on the perfume to make him smell regal - and I was dressed up as Jesus Christ complete with robe, crucifix crown of thorns and fake blood on my forehead, midriff and palms. We got a few funny looks from people in our hostel and the walk to the pub was pretty cold when you're wearing just a sheet!

We went to the Altitude Bar (which is below Discovery Lodge where we stole the sheets for the costumes!) to meet up with the two sisters we met in Nelson (Holly and Katie) who had also dressed up. As the atmosphere was pretty good ( and we were getting plenty of free drinks) we stayed there for most of the night - people kept on trying to look up our robes and I would retort "Don't make me cross!".

It was fair to say that, although plenty of people had dressed up, we were the best dressed (although one guy did look a bit like Osama Bin Laden and the beard was real!). We went to check out the main bars in town (The World Bar and Red Rock Bar) but they were empty. We had a chance to strut around town in our costumes but, in the end, we just went back to where we started.

All night long, Seb danced his socks off (even though he wasn't wearing any) - even I couldn't keep up with him! Eventually we got back to the hostel at about 5am and we tried not to wake everyone else up in our dorm.

The next morning we wer both quite hungover - we didnt time for dinner the previous evening and we were ravenous, so we made our way to Fergburger which apparently makes the best burgers ever. Well..... I couldn't disagree after trying one - I had one called Sweet Bambi which was venison with a thai plum chutney - it was heaven in a bun!

As I found a place to bury my face in my burger, I heard someone yell "Potter!!". Now, the last time someone called me that was when I was in Cardiff and sure enough, there was HBOS's own Katy Prince and Anne-Marie Thomas with their travelling frien Bec. We chatted about our respective travels and about the good/bad old days back in Cardiff. It was weird how we had been to so many of the same places (However they had bad memories of Airlie Beach. They didn't even have a Clancy's Pie!). It was great to see them again and it's a possibility I may well see them in Fiji too. For the rest of the day, Seb and I basked in the sun by the lake trying not to be hungover.

For our last day in Queenstown, Seb and I walked up to the gondola station at the top of the hill. There were amazing views of the Remarkables and Seb enquired about doing some paragliding. Sadly, even though it was a gorgeous day, it was a bit too windy to paraglide so we did the luge instead. It was great fun - a bit like tobogganing but in a go-kart with no engine and dodgy brakes!

We walked back down the hill and went to Caddyshack City which is the indoor mini-golf course - it was HGappy Gilmore-esque as it had all the moving parts and sounds (e.g. the ball had to go up a ski-lift and a rollercoaster and in a rocket ship. That sort of thing). Seb won and I lost my cool - I hate that clown!

We went for a farewell drink (and a farewell Fergburger) as Seb was going South to Invercargill the next day, and I was going North to Mount Cook. Seb and I have been travelling together for the last month. As he's heading up the East Coast I may well see him in Christchurch next week but we'll see. In the meantime: Chill Out Baschi! It's been great fun!

Pining for the Fiords

2004-11-01T21:27:00.000Z

Seb and I boarded the Milford Wanderer at 4pm and we were part of a little reunion - we met Ed who worked at the Funky Green Voyager in Rotorua and his mate Steve, and we also met a Canadian woman called Janice who was also at the FGV at the same time I was there with Kim. As Seb stayed there not long after I was there, we christened our trip as the Funky Green Voyage.

The difference between a Sound and a Fiord is: A Sound is a flooded riverbed or valley and a Fiord is where a glacier carves through the mountains into the sea. The confusing part her is that Milford Sound is actually a Fiord. Still there? Ok - let's proceed.

When the boat left the harbour, it was still raining. As we had shelter on the boat, we didn't mind and the views were amazing - there were many waterfalls in the Milford Sound but there are many temporary waterfalls when it rains heavily - an example is the Four Sisters which were amazing - when it rains it's like the mountains are bleeding water. The captain thought it would be funny to push the bow of the boat into one of the waterfalls - every one was curious, of course, but the end result was that everyone got soaked!

After cruising up the Sound, we were visited by a humpback whale which was in the bay we intended to anchor in for the evening. It got pretty close at one time and it is quite a rare thing to see a whale so close to the harbour.

When the whale left the bay, we were given the option of doing some sea kayaking. I was already cold and wet from the waterfall incident so I tought "What the Hey!". Thankfully the rain had eased off and the sun was peeking out above the mountains revealing the steep snow capped mountains that faced us.

The kayaking was great fun - it's the most exercise my arms have had in ages (well...... my left arm at least!). When I got to the pebbled cove at the far side of the bay, I saw some Fiordland Crested Penguins hopping out from the bushes. It filled my heart with joy to learn that even penguins look stupid walking on a pebbly beach!

As the sun started to set, illuminating the mountains by the bay, I made my way back to the boat and, as it was a once a lifetime opportunity, I dived into the nearly Antarctic water. It mainly came about from peer pressure and it was icy cold yet invigorating - I certainly appreciated the hot shower afterwards!

After my shower I went up on deck to watch the sunset as the penguins were porpoising by the boat (I think porpoising is a verb - I heard someone say it - it means when they pop their heads out of the water). It was funny to see their yellow eyebrows bobbing above the surface and, as stupid as they look, they are very graceful in the water.

Then, it was time for the 3 course evening meal - Soup, chicken fillets with slow roasted veggies and salad, and fruit salad with ice-cream for dessert, plus.it was all you can eat! Being the human dustbin that I am, (The vegetarian option was quite nice too!)I ate as much as I could until I was so full, I felt pain. It's a long time since Owain and I used to have our thursday night HBOS pizza eating competitions. I'm not half the man I used to be!

After dinner, it was a strange sight to see that everyone was playing board games in a very civilised manner - there was no drunken behaviour at all - I was a long way from Australia it seemed, that's for sure. With all the best games gone, Seb taught me and Janice a german game that, for convenience's sake, we called "Pokerdice". It is an absolutely classic game - one to teach your grandchildren in the years to come, and despite Janice being useless at it, we played it long after everyone else had gone to bed.

That night we all slept on board the boat - some people got a better night's sleep than others and I slept OK but I was awake at 6am to rise to a certain crew member's challenge - apparently no-one during that season had got up for an early morning swim in the Sound and I was prepared to be the first. As I'd jumped in the night before, I thought I knew better, but it was even colder than before - it was so cold, it took my breath away!

Just before the cooked breakfast was served, the Captain steered up the Sound towards the Tasman Sea and we were greeted by some Bottlenose Dolphins as they jumped out of the water as they followed us out to sea which, like the whale on the previous evening, doesn't happen often. Another rare occurence was that it was a beautiful, sunny day with blue skies all round - not to be sniffed at in the fiordland, I can tell you!

The breakfast was lavish and I certainly got my money's worth. Not only did I eat the equivalent of 4+ meals on the trip, but I also took as many freebies as I could: Teabags, butter, condiments and even a pen. Just like being at the Little Chef on those road journeys when I was a kid.

We made our way out to the Tasman Sea and it was very choppy. Everyone was at the front of the boat, that is, until the waves started crashing over them! I t got a bit too rough for comfort so the Captain headed back towards the harbour. On the way we saw some fur seals basking on the rocks and scratching themselves. We were certainly very lucky to see so much wildlife.

As we headed back to the harbour, we passed by the tallest cliff in the world (Over 600 metres - Cliff Richard is only 1.76 metres tall) which had an overhang at the top (Cliff Richard only has an overhang in the middle). We also passed a split in the cliffs which lies on the fault line between the Australasian and Pacific plates. Pretty freaky.

The memory card on my camera was full by the time we got to the powerful Bowen Falls right by the harbour. Janice had offered Seb and I a lift back to Te Anau, and although she was a bit weird (she was friends with The Dutch Terrorist), it suited us fine. It was a clear day, but as we approached the Homer Tunnelit started to snow. Another classic scene unravelled as we passed a sign which read "Avalanche Area - No Stopping" where a Japanese couple had stopped to take a photo of them in fromt of the sign!

When Seb and I arrived back in Te Anau, we thought about our Halloween costumes a bit more as we watched Lord of the Rings:Return Of The King - it's so nice to get closure on a story for a change - virtually every other hostel on the South Island seems to only only show The Two Towers.

Before we went back to Queenstown the next day, I got a phone call from from Owain - I suspected he had a drink or two (which he vehemently denies) as I was struggling to understand him. When I told him that I had just experienced one of the best things on my trip, he said "What! Japanese twins?!" That's my boy but that'd be two of the best things on my trip!

Raving Queenstown

2004-11-01T20:32:00.000Z

The journey from Wanaka to Queenstown was relatively quick and as Seb and I planned to only stay for a night (in order to go further south and return to Queenstown on 31st October which is Seb's Birthday and Halloween), we opted to stay in a hostel that was near to the bus station. So we stayed in the Discovery Lodge which is centrally located and is less than 4 months old. Sounds good? Well it wasn't! It was expensive, it was full of Kiwi Experience travellers (i.e. generally younger, less experienced travellers who think life is all about drinking and flirting (which it is, but I'm no good at that any more!)), and the kitchen was shockingly small.

To be honest, I was quite disappointed with Queenstown. It seems to be a Mecca for pissheads, adrenaline junky dudes and Japanese tourists who think that Queenstown is probably the only place worth visiting in New Zealand - which it isn't (possibly the opposite!).

That evening we tried to have an early night as it was an early bus the next day - we watched 6 or so people make up the largest meal I have ever seen backpackers make (it was a roast dinner) and they all threw over half of it away! I was disgusted - not just because I hate to see food go to waste, but because it just showed them up to be the absolute travelling tosspots they really were.

After that we watched a bit of TV in the, uncomfortably hot, lounge room (it also smelt of farts but that could have been me), and then we attempted to get an early night, however, the two girls in our dorm (sisters no less) had decided to drink an entire bottle of vodka and giggle/scream/fall over in and outside the room well into the night. Great fun!

The next morning we were up early and we even stole the sheets from the hostel to serve them right for being a downright shitty place. We arrived in Te Anau by mid-morning and we were glad that it was quite different from Queenstown. We checked into the hostel and got a few bits and bobs at the shops. We also spotted a good deal to do an overnight cruise on the Milford Sound for $129 (50 quid) which was possibly the best bargain I've seen so far in NZ. Also, as absolutely everyone has been talking about it, we booked ourselves to do a Bungy jump when we get back to Queenstown on the Nevis Highwire which is 134m high! A good way for Seb to celebrate his birthday I think!

For the rest of the day we walked a part of the Kepler Track to Brod Bay which took just over 4 hours - it was a nice walk around the lake and there was a NZ bird sanctuary en route which had all sorts of rare and not-so rare fauna - there was a Takahe there which is possibly one of the rarest birds in NZ which looks almost as ridiculous as the kiwi when it walks. There were also Paradise Ducks which mate for life and they have a peculiar quack. Walking the rest of the track was OK but the sandflies were out in force and we got bitten to buggery. We did have a chance to discuss our prospective Halloween costumes though and we were starting to get excited about it - what's even better is that it'll hardly cost a thing!

That evening, we watched Whale Rider which is a nice little film about Maori Culture and I enjoyed it a lot. See it if you get a chance but don't go out of your way.

The next morning we were allowed to have a bit of a lie in before we went to Milford for our overnight cruise. It was raining but I didn't mind as the Fiordland is reputedly just as pretty when it's pouring down. The coach driver stopped at every possible stop on the way - Mirror Lakes which aren't very mirror like when it rains, Monkey Creek which doesn't have monkeys (dissapointed!) and The Chasm which was quite amazing as the force of the water had made huge holes in the rock by a waterfall. On every stop there were a few cheeky Keas which are large mountain parrots which are inquisive and a bit of a nuisance to vehicle owners as they tend to tear up windscreen wipers. ("Beautiful plummage!")

We had to wait for a few hours until our boat departed so we went to the coffee shop and played coin football (the school lunchtime classic) and table football in which Seb humiliated me - I used to think I was good at it at one time but those days have gone.

Puzzled

2004-10-26T03:26:00.000+01:00

On Sunday, Seb and I went to Puzzling World, which is another quirky place here in Wanaka. The first part is to do with visual deception - they had a hologram room which was impressive, then there was the Following faces room which was down right creepy - Einstein, Mother Theresa and Nelson Mandela etc eyeballing you whereever you go! The Tilted Illusion Room was built at a 13 degree slope really messes with your balance - again it was pretty impressive and it was very clever. The final attraction was Ames Illusion Room which was used to make things look bigger at one end oa room than the other - it was used in Lord of the Rings for some of the films sets to make people look hobbit sized. I thought there was another attraction after that as I walked down a ramp at the side but it only turned out to be the wheelchair access! I almost wet myself when I realised it - I was so excited about what illusion it could have possibly been!

The second part of Puzzling World was agiant maze in which you were challenge to reach the 4 towers in each corner - the great thing about it is that it looks simple and all the adults asume that it's just for kids, but it was so difficult - I must have walked over 5 kilometres by the end of it!

As you leave (or enter) there is a huge room with little brain teasers and puzzles scattered all over the place - you've probably seen these types of puzzles before but this place has all of them and their variations too. Seb and I must have looked like a couple of chimps banging bricks together!

That evening was otherwise uneventful apart from a German guy (called Michael) who, in a drunken stoned haze, told us what the meaning of life was and then he proceeded to rip into an American woman (Ann, who is travelling with her husband and two kids), telling her about how evil and corrupted the USA is and how she was ignorant and so on..........it was hard to listen to at times and foolishly, (as I have a bit of a big mouth) I entered the conversation. To quote Basil Fawlty "Just don't mention the war.....I did it once but I think I got away with it".

The next day was Labour Day and as the locals all rushed to the shores of the lake en masse, Seb, Luke and I went for a walk up the lake to see as far round the mountain as we could. The Mt Roy track was shut for lambing season so we improvised alittle and jumped a few barbed wire fences to get the best view. The weather was fabulous yet again and when we reached our destination, we sat on the top of a hill with panoramic views of the lake and the Treble Cone ski fields that aren't visible from Wanaka.

The walk was about 20km in total so we treated ourselves with some fush n' chups when we got back to Wanaka - Luke was moving in with a mate nearby so he grabbed his stuff and left the hostel, while Seb and I thought it would be a good idea to have a dip in the lake to cool off. It was so cold, my feet hurt! I only managed about 5 minutes before I had to get out.

My last day in Wanaka was to catch up on a few things and do some washing, however, a scandal has been uncovered. I have been very lucky for the last 5 months as nothing has really gone missing, but that lucky streak has ended - someone stole my Jam! Fellow travellers will understand that Jam (notice the capital letter?) becomes one of your most trusted companions and for someone to take it away from you is potentially the most heinous of crimes in the Backpackers handbook - whoever took it - I hope you can live with yourself.

Hobbit Spotting in Wanaka

2004-10-25T08:34:00.000+01:00

Yet again, we had perfect weather for our coach trip from Fox Glacier to Wanaka - for one of the rainiest areas of New Zealand we seem to have had all the luck on the West Coast. The scenery on the way was absolutely stunning. The only trouble was that the coach driver decided to stop every 10 minutes to do a bit of sightseeing - every time we got back on the coach it wasn't even worth sitting down again! We came through Mount Aspiring National Park which had mountains flanking either side of the valley we passed through. Seb said he felt a bit homesick at this point as it was just like back in Switzerland.

By the afternoon, we had arrived in Wanaka and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. We checked into our new hostel, The Purple Cow (which has great views of the lake and must have been converted from a ski lodge or something - very nice) and then we went down to the lake to take in the stunning views of the mountains.

We had aspirations of renting out kayaks on the lake but the hiring shack was closing as we approached them. Maybe another time, eh? Instead, we got in a few beers and sat on the veranda at the hostel watching the sun set over the mountains.

As my brother and Fred have been insisting on it, I have been on the lookout for any type of Shire folk during the New Zealand leg of my trip. It has taken 6+ weeks but I have finally seen my first hobbit! (Well........nearly - there's a midget that's been staying at the hostel). I asked if he had any of his best pipeweed and in return I'd buy him a flagon of ale down at the Green Dragon (Please note that I didn't really say these things as that would be insensitive and cruel - I merely put him on a table and made him dance a merry jig).

It was Labour Day weekend (like a bank holiday weekend back in Britain) so Wanaka was teeming with activity. While Seb was at the internet cafe, I wandered down around town and eventually sat down at the lake to watch some speedboat racing. It was pretty cool - there was a slalom set up and they had to do a spinning finish (they all had a side bet on apparently, of who could get the judges soaked!).

As we were resting up for a while (Seb has also hurt his ankle), we chilled out on the veranda (again!) with a New Zealander called Luke - he hung out with us for a few days sometimes telling us of his misguided youth and his goat killing adventures.

That evening, we all went to the quirky Cinema Paradiso - they had many funky chairs and sofas instead of the normal seating, but we all decided to sit in the Morris Minor! The film we went to see was Ruby & Quentin (Tais Toi!) which is a really funny film (don't let the subtitles put you off). The best thing about the cinema though was that they had an interval halfway through in which you could buy homemade cookies that had only just come out of the oven! The homemade icecream was pretty special too.

After the cinema, Luke took us to the Red Rock Bar to have a few drinks (it was saturday night after all). However, Ira (the Dutch Terrorist) turned up and made our escape by going to the pool table. After a few jugs, and dominating the table, closing time beckoned and we ambled back to the Purple Cow.

In response to the various messages of late:
Owain - Yes I have been saving them up as I've been writing them before I get to the internet cafe - it's been quite expensive recently but Wanaka has cheap rates which has allowed me to catch up a bit - some photos are imminent soon as well.
Nibbi - I'm sure that if I had the chance, ripped jeans could be huge in Plymouth but sadly, they're 10 years behind anyway so it's only just gone out of fashion.
Lex - Good to hear from you - did you get the web address from Col?
Mum - (That's Grannybags by the way) - I can do my own washing thank you very much - but I'll no doubt have to incinerate the pants and socks when I get back at Christmas - They're a bit like cardboard!

Happy Birthday Wishes

2004-10-24T06:28:00.000+01:00

As January seems to be a whoopee-making month (maybe it's the cold weather?), there are lots of people's birthdays I know in October. I would like to wish the following people many happy returns:

Purdey (22) - on the 14th October - hope you had a great birthday over there in Adelaide - I'd love to have a BBQ on my birthday but that's a bit risky in a British October.

Sebastian (25) - on the 31st October - my travelling companion for the South Island of New Zealand has been a great friend and for his birthday we plan to do a bungee jump - should be a laugh but I'm not looking forward to shitting in my shoes!

Owain (27) - on the 16th October - my AWOL partner in crime - it's along time since we've terrorised people on one of our nights out. We'll just have to save up our energy for a big one when I get back - Best wishes you lovable lunatic.

Jack (5) - on the 24th October - my gorgeous nephew - now he's at school and he's a big boy - I can't wait to get back home and see how much he and Jazzy have grown up - I wonder what age he should be before I get him his first porno mag?

Mum (I wouldn't dare say) - on the 18th October - Last but by no means least - I hope you've had a great joint celebration weekend with Jack and the rest of the family. I really miss you all but I'll be there for the big party at Christmas. Let's just hope there enough turkey! (Like that's going to be a problem!).

Walking on Thick Ice

2004-10-24T05:53:00.000+01:00

Leanne and Shane gave Seb and I a lift to Fox glacier the next morning. It wasn't far but we managed to get in a few good tunes on the way and we were grateful for their generosity (Cheers girls!). They didn't hang around long though as they were booked to do some skydiving and we had to check into our hostel (I could swear I heard someone screaming from overhead later that morning!).

As we walked into the Ivory Towers Hostel, who do we bump into again, but the Vegas Dancers! It turns out that we couldn't check instraight away ao the Vegas Dancers offered us a lift up to the glacier (Deja vu anyone?).

Fox glacier is much flatter and more open than the Franz Josef glacier. This meant that it was easy to get up really close to the terminal face (i.e. the front) which we did on our first trek. It was an easy walk so we decided to go on the other track for a better view of the whole glacier.

The walk up to the Chalet lookout didn't take long and view was spectacular. On the way down, we all decided to walk down via the river instead of on the path. It was a lot more fun as we had to find our own route down without falling in the river. We had some Dirty Dancing moments where we had to cross on fallen trees and stuff. However, I had a nasty fall and fell right on my arse. I was a bit worried because the rock I fell off rolled back onto my previously broken leg. I was OK though and I was able to make my way back down in one piece.

Back at the hostel, Seb and I rested our weary legs and sat down to watch Lord of the Rings which had just started in the video room. I was able to watch in a new way as all the way through we were saying "I know where that is" and " Been there!".

The following day I had decided to do a full day guided glacier hike. Seb lives next to a glacier back in Switzerland so he decided to give it a miss. Whilst Kitting ourselves out with crampons and boots, I realised that my ankle had swollen up from the fall at the river on the previous day. It didn't hurt that much but I did have to have 2 different size boots!

There were 12 people in the group and our guide, Steve, was a 60+ year old doddery brit - he reffered to the crampons being tangled up like "grandma's knitting" - how awfully, terribly british of him!

I spoke to most people in the group at some point on the trek but the people who stood out the most were:
Chris - a swedish guy who was full of himself - he had a canadian accentand he reffered to football as soccer - a bit of a nobhead to be fair.
and then there was Ira from Holland - she's not affiliated with Sinn Fein as her name implies but she did terrorise the rest of the group with her prattlings - she wasn't feeling well and she just moaned all day which pissed everyone off. She was always saying "I'm too cold", "I'm too hot", "I want to stop", or "I'm still not happy". I wanted to throw her into a crevasse by the end of the day!

Our hike took us up into the forest at first and we then dropped down onto the glacier halfway up. The pace that had been set was quite slow so it was the strenuous hike I thought it would be. The glacier itself was immense - it was quite blackened towards the bottom but the further up we went, the more white, and even blue, the glacier became.

Steve had to use his pickaxe to carve out steps for us and when we finally ran out of time and we had to turn back, we were right up to the seracs (towers of ice). It was quite unnerving throughout the trek as you could always here creaks in the ice, gurgling from the ice melting and rock/ice falls as we traversed through crevasses on a huge river of ice!

It was an amazing experience but it was marred slightly by the dutch terrorist and I had expected to see some sizeable ice caves as the brochures had suggested we might see.

That evening Seb and I met up with Steve from Canada who we had met earlier in our trip in Nelson. He's a funny guy and we had a laugh, mainly at the hostel's expense - They had posters up all over the place with slogans like "Teamwork", "Leadership" and "Happiness" - like the ones you get in offices and training rooms everywhere these days. We decided to change the heading of "Effort" to "Wanking" as the tag line on the poster was "It's a solo performance that only you can control". Hours of fun!

Hardcore Hiking

2004-10-24T05:26:00.000+01:00

The following morning, Seb and I got up early to attempt a supposed 11 hour hike to view the glacier and also to go to Lake Wombat which was nearby. We walked from the village up the Callery-Waiho Track which turned out to be closed because it was flooded and some paths had eroded away. This didn't seem to bother Seb who leapt over the barrier and we dis the walk anyway. It was very treacherous at the beginning but after that, it was OK. Helicopter charters to the top of the glacier whizzed overhead and as I cowered from view (so as not to be seem walking on a prohibited track), I suddenly knew how Rambo must have felt......sort of.

The Roberts Point Track further up was a lot of fun as there were streams that had to be crossed and there were plenty of rope bridges, but, with the grace of a couple of mountain goats and the stamina of Annabel Chong, we made short work of an otherwise demanding hike. The Franz Josef Glacier could be fully viewed from the lookout and it was stunning to see how immense and impressive it was. We could even see people on a guided tour hiking up the ice which put it into perspective as to how huge it is.

After having some lunch, we made our way back. On the way, we met Shane and Leanne (The aussie girls who gave me a lift from Marahau to Nelson) who were going to the same lookout we had just visited - we got a stern telling off when they got back to the hostel as we told them that it was only 30 minutes or so to the end when it was actually well over an hour!

Seb and I made our way back to the main road and then went to Lake Wombat. It was mainly a rainforest hike which was amazingly beautiful - everything was covered in moss and lichen which gave an almost fairytale quality. The lake was quite swamplike but lovely none-the-less.

When we got back to the village, we jumped into the hostel's complimentary spa and the couple who were already in there gave us plenty of red wine which went straight to our heads. The evening was finished off watching a couple of films and playing Shithead and Yahtzee with the Aussie girls.

Please note: There may seem to be less drunken escapades at the moment and for the foreseeable future but that's (sort of) the plan - I've shaken the bad cold that I've had for the last 4 weeks, I'm eating healthier (e.g. plenty of fruit) and I'm feeling fit.

Also, I'm sporting an almost Amish style beard at the moment which has inspired me to do things 1 and a half times harder than before - I'm quite looking forward to riding a horse and cart to work when I get back to Plymouth!

All Gloved Up

2004-10-24T04:46:00.000+01:00

I was up extremely early (5.15am!) to catch the coach to the Franz Josef Glacier but that meant that I could gorge myself on the free breakfast before anyone else was up. As I ambled onto the coach, I was glad that it wasn't very busy so I could stretch out my legs in preparation for the 10 hour journey that lay ahead.

As the bus made it's way to the west coast, we passed through a mountainous region that followed the river and I started to recognise scenery from the Lord of the Rings films - sure enough, this was later confirmed by the coach driver who seemed to regard himself as an officionado on the subject.

The West coast of the South Island has a reputation in terms of it raining a lot (i.e. on average they have over 200 days of rain a year and that adds up to about 6 metres of rain per year!). However, we seemed to be quite lucky as it was blissful sunshine when we reached the coast.

Our first stop was at Punakaiki where we had enough time to view the pancake-like rocks and see the blowholes erupting which was interesting and picturesque. The following stop was at Hokitikawhich is the main area for jade and bone carving in New Zealand. It was basically like a frontier town with jade shops instead of saloon bars - no tumbleweeds though. As for the rest of the trip: whilst slipping in and out of conciousness, I had a chance to view the coastline which was beatiful as it contrasted against the snowcapped mountains and rainforest that met the coast.

Eventually we arrived in Franz Josef which is a two street town entirely dedicated to the glacier nearby. We were staying in the Glowworm Cottages (does it?!), which is one of the comfiest hostels I've ever stayed in.

As seems to be the case when travelling in New Zealand, we met up with some familiar faces - this time it was the Vegas Dancers (Ziggy and Erra) - they were still full of energy and bouncing off the walls. They offered Seb and I a lift up to the glacier to do a short walk. Not shy of a bit of exercise (Seb and I have have hiked/tramped for 8 out of the last 10 days!) we tagged along.

The circuit walk walk took us through temporate rainforest to the river that runs off the glacier where there was a huge swingbridge. We frolicked on that for a while and then walked back via Peter's Lake which showed a perfect reflection of the mountains behind it.

To say thank you to the girls, I bought everyone a hot chocolate back a the village while the sun set over the mountains. It was lush - the hot chocolate was served in bucket sized cups and the snow atop the mountains turned orange.

After the sunset, we all embarked on a short walk nearby to the village to see some glowworms. It was a clear night and as we were close to the mountains, it was freezing cold. This gave me a chance to wear my scarf and gloves for the first time in New Zealand. It was pitch black in the forest and muddy (therefore hazardous) in parts. Seb had one of those headlamp torches which made progress slow as no one else could see that much! We were also being stalked by a black labrador on the way in, which kept appearing on the path and rustling in the bushes - the little bugger frightened us half to death the first time!

We finally reached a river bank which ahd hundreds of glowworms in the mud and in the trees. It was a beautiful sight because it was a clear night - it was hard to tell which lights were glowworms and which were the stars.

Half Nelson

2004-10-17T04:05:00.000+01:00

The 2 Aussie girls, Shane and Leanne, were very kind in giving me a lift back to Nelson - we chatted and listened to some proper Aussie music on the journey (No Slim Dusty though). When we got to the hostel I quickly rang Owain to wish him a Happy Birthday - It was good to chat to you too fella - 27's a ripe age but don't let it get you down. At least you've still got all your hair!

I also gave a quick ring to my Dad which was also really nice - I had meant to ring him when I was in Marahau but there was no reception there. The spooky thing is that we both tried to ring each other at precisely the same time! We both got the answerphone and left a message before we realised what had happened!

When I got back to the girls, they were on to the drinking gamesand asked if I wanted to play. Being a gentleman, I accepted but it was maybe a bad idea when I think about it now! The two games we played were called "4's a Bitch" and "The Pyramid of Death" (reminds me of Steve's Birthday Party at the Haven). I got quite tipsy and before I knew it, I was being dragged into town and I found myself dancing on the tables and pissing off huge Maoris.

This morning I awoke with a huge headache and I've been quite mashed ever since (I've wandered around town aimlessly for about 4 hours!). It seems to always be a beuatiful sunny day when I'm hungover which is a pain because I feel guilty about being lethargic and wasting a good weather day - you never know when the sun'll shine again!

I have basically been sitting by the river watching the world go by - I've noticed that Nelson seems to have a lot of wobbly-heads - all sorts of loonies kept gibbering past me. Seb has just arrived back from Marahau and thankfully, he was able to find his passport. We're going to Franz Josef Glacier tomorrow and it's an early bus (7.15am) so I'm keen to get some sleep and shake off this blooming headache.

When it Rains, it Pours

2004-10-17T01:02:00.000+01:00

So, I was up early to try and catch the football if it was on - I know it was only Azerbaijan but it would have been good to see it. Sadly, it wasn't on but I managed to get the result before I left for Marahau. The coach journey to Marahau was a bit uncomfortable as the heating was stuck on full blast - I just zonked out because of the heat and when I woke up in Marahau, I realised I had been dribbling. It was all in my beard and everything!

Seb and I stayed in a backpackers called The Barn which was beautiful - it was right at the entrance to the Abel Tasman National Park and there was no other civilisation for miles. The sun was shining and we just sat on the porch looking at the wildlife go by while we planned our excursion into the park.

We had a little walk down to the beach as Seb (coming from Switzerland which is land-locked) was intrigued by the sea. However, the beach was very flat and the tide nearly caught up to us - I was starting to tread water on the way back!

I got quite an early night as we had planned a long hike for the following day - we got the water taxi to Tonga Bay and we intended to walk back to Marahau from there which takes 10 hours (apparently). The water taxi was cool, he gave us alittle tour of the National Park's coastline before dropping us off. There was Split Apple Rock, the various bays and we even got to see a seal colony which is on one of the outlying islands. It's always nice to see animals in their natural habitat. Seeing seals in the zoo just isn't the same.

Anyway, we were dropped off at Tonga Bay, as planned and the weather was very pleasant. Then, about an hour into our walk, it started to rain. It was merely drizzle to start but then the heavens opened. It was like being in the Amazon for the remainder of the journey as it was mainly tropical flora and we got soaked. We didn't take that much time to stop and look at the beaches and I was more driven to get back to the hostel and have a hot shower. We did stop at Anchorage Hut to have some lunch and get some shelter from the rain. They were quite a few people there who were doing sea-kayaking and they looked miserable and even colder than us. I'm glad I didn't decide to do the kayaking!

My shoes had filled completely with water by now and we were virtually running back to the hostel by the end of the track (mainly to keep the water in my shoes warm!). We did the walk in 6 hours! But, then again, we didn't stop that much. In hindsight, the National park was beautiful, even in the rain, but it was more of a test of will power than a pleasant hike.

When I got back, I jumped straight into the shower and stayed there for a while. I napped for a couple of hours after that and then I attempted conversation with the other people at the hostel. I think I got away with it! There were 2 Canadian girls there that worked in Las Vegas as dancers - to my dismay, it wasn't of the pole variety but they were backing dancers for Celine Dion's show in Caesars Palace. They were a little bit nuts but that tends to be a positive when your'e travelling.

There were about 20 people staying there that night from 12 different countries. It was quite an international gathering. I got chatting to some girls from Melbourne who offered Seb and I a lift back to Nelson the next day which was nice of them.

The next morning, I was feeling decidedly dodgy. I planned to dry out my shoes and clothes and just hang around at the hostel - it's sod's law that the day before and the day after the hike were glorious! Seb went off for a quick walk on the inland track as his shoes were dry. However, he dropped his passport somewhere on the track and when he returned, he had to go back and look for it - nightmare! This meant that he was going to stay an extra night as the girls had to leave for Nelson.

My day was dull but nice - no-one was there so I had the grounds to myself - They had a teepee there but because it was raining, I never got a chance to sleep in it. I also nipped to the wood carving centre across the road and some of the carvings were amazing.

I did have some company that day in the form of a ginger cat known only as "The Cat". It was quite old and it had a dribbling problem so we got along well. I didn't get on so well with the goat though - The hostess, Cathy, had accidentally let the goat out and when it started to eat the flowers, I shooed it away. Big mistake - it just ran up to me and headbutted me in the legs repeatedly! It meant that I got some exercise that day, even if it was from being chased round a tree by a goat!

Full Nelson

2004-10-13T23:50:00.000+01:00

I was feeling quite lethargic after the short coach trip to Nelson. Thankfully, the hostel I chose to stay in was pretty chilled - they had free breakfast, free vege soup in the evening and the facilities were great - they had a swimming pool, a spa and a sauna. It was great! The pool wasn't heated (so it was freezing) and the spa was often too hot so it was a case of jumping from one to the other throughout the afternoon. The weather was great for it though - blissful sunshine.

Later in the afternoon I had my first chance to play volleyball for a long time - they have a sand court there and Seb, me, some scottish guy and a brazilian called Kennage(?!) had a few games. Ken was bloody good but his first sport is football - I thought to myself "No Shit!" as he kept doing samba style keepy ups and doing backflips on the spot! It was like watching a Nike advert or something!

I opted to pass on the self catering option for the evening as the hostel were making a mexican medley of tortillas, burritos and nachos with salad. As Rich Pepperell would say, it was "Mexillent"!

Seb and I got talking to a couple of girls by the evening and strangely enough, they were from Sutton Coldfield and they sort-of knew Clare (the Princess of The Haven). Everytime they spoke, it was just like I was in Birmingham - same accent and the same slang words - it was just like the old Haven days.

That evening, Seb and I spoke about how nice the hostel was and we were confused as to why it had a bad rating in some guides. I joked about it probably being about weird stuff happening in the night and, Oh, how we laughed......

.......However, we weren't laughing at 5.45am when the fire alarm started to go off and everyone was walking around the room like zombies. It was a false alarm, but I couldn't sleep after that. I was quite glad for the wake up call actually as it always nice to get a full day of sunlight once in a while.

I had some breakfast and walked into town to get my barings. Of course nothing was open but the streets were deserted and it was some much needed special time I spent with myself.

When I got back to the hostel, Seb was up and we ventured off for a walk to the surrounding area. Our first destination was the exact Centre of NZ. It was pretty convenient that it was at the summit of a hill with panoramic views of Nelson but, geographically, it was near as damn it!

We proceeded towards the next peak which wasn't that far but then we ran out of track. As we descended down the hill (some of it on my bottom!) we were given directions to the Japanese Gardens at the bottom of the hill. We got a bit lost and went to the graveyard instead but it was very peaceful and we sat looking out at the bay.

We eventually got to the gardens and I recreated a Takeshi's Castle moment before we headed off into town to get some provisions for the upcoming journey to Marahau (there aren't any supermarkets or shops there).

We got back to the hostel by mid afternoon and we jumped straight into the spa and pool again. I managed to do a somersault and did a back-flop ( like a belly-flop) and absolutely soaked some poor girl reading her book! I felt terrible - she didn't look amused!

As the afternoon wore on, we played a bit more volleyball and Seb made a lot of animal noises. Pretty chilled out really.

As I tucked into my free soup, I was accosted by a wierd dutch biker guy (looks like Ray Baarneveld the darts player) who had been stalking us since the ferry at Wellington. He asked me what I did that day. I told him about the walk and the gardens and he butted in with "yeah, well I bought a hat!" - Well, whooppee-de-doo! Living on the edge, man!

The next day I was leaving to go to Marahau which is on the outskirts of the Abel Tasman National Park. That's why I did the shopping and also why I've done some clothes washing. However, my clothes are wearing out fast - one pair of my pants has a hole in the back seat, as it were, like the the flaps you have on longjohns and my jeans now have a rip across the knee - it's a bit like 80's jeans. It's quite worrying!

Picton Mix

2004-10-13T01:57:00.000+01:00

The ferry journey was choppy at first and I was having to hold onto my sideburns for support. However, by the time we got to the Marlborough Sounds at the top of the South Island, the turbulence ebbed away - the boat then had to meander between the cliffs on the way into Picton. As it was a late crossing, we caught the sunset as we were arriving and it's a beautiful way to start the next step of my adventure.

On the journey, I was reunited with Seb who I previously met in Taupo and Napier. We had a chance to catch up and I found out that we are on the same path for the next week or so, so we have decided to join forces for the meantime.

I found myself sniggering when we were about to disembark from the ferry as the woman on the loudspeaker asked us all to "remain on deck" - the NZ accent can be a little strange as they pronounce there "E"s as "I"s. Juvenile, I know but that's just me all over.

When we arrived in Picton, we had to pick up our luggage from a carousel similar to retrieving your luggage from the airport. I almost pissed myself when I saw a strap (i.e. the rest of the bag was missing) coming towards me with a solitary tag on it that read " Bag may be heavy - Bend your knees". You can't right that sort of stuff.

We stayed in the Villa which was only a 5 minute walk away. I chatted with Seb in the garden area for the rest of the evening and I found out that he was a paragliding instructor in Switzerland and he even had his own school! I was amazed to hear that he had done over 1500 flights - there I am with just the one!

The next morning, the residents of my dorm seemed to be in a rush for the free breakfast - everyone was up before 7am! I ambled my way into the kitchen and filled my cheeks (careful now - the ones on my face!) with as much Weetabix as possible. Seb and I had arranged to do a 3 hour walk before the coach left for Nelson at 1pm. We walked along Bob's Bay and onwards to the Snout Walkway which had amazing views of the Marlborough Sounds.

The next stop in Nelson and I will hope to venture onto the Abel Tasman National Park nearby. Sadly, I can't seem to shake off this headcold - I'm full of so much snot it's not funny. On an upnote, my brain is working overtime and I'm keen to get on the blog whenever I can as I may not be this sharp again for a long time - I'm even able to remember peoples names and everything!

Windy Wainy Welly

2004-10-09T05:41:00.000+01:00

The day after the funkfest, Ben and I left the hostel we were staying in - it just had no atmosphere. We walked across town with our stuff to go to World Wide Backpackers which promised free breakfast, free Internet access and free wine in the evenings - sounds pretty peachy! Sadly, it was full up that day so we went to a backpackers nearby as we couldn't be bothered to lug our bags around town any more.

We stayed in Rosemere Backpackers which had a strange aroma and some strange guests too. It wasn't a problem though as we had booked ourselves into WWB for the next day and I can put up with wierdos if I know it's not for long (Come on - I lived in Cardiff for 2 years!).

Rain pretty much called off any outdoor plans for the rest of the day, but as I was still feeling a little bit poorly, I was happy to take shelter in some of the shops in town.

I was happy to leave Rosemere the next day - a guy in the dorm was a bit too strange - He kept giggling at unfunny comments he made and didn't really make a lot of sense. We strolled back to WWB and dropped off our bags.

With the weather being a little bit erratic, we went back down to the harbour to assess what to do for the rest of the day. As it wasn't raining, we decided to climb Mt Victoria. The walk was very pretty and winding. Lilies flanked most of the bottom half of the mountain showing that spring is in full force here. The panoramic view from the top was great - we could see all of Wellington and out to sea. As it was still a little bit cloudy, we were unable to see the South Island from there but I didn't mind - I'll be there soon enough.

On the way back down, we saw a bloke with a very expensive mountain bike attempting to go down the tracks that wind back down the mountain. However, within the first 10 metres, he hit his head on a tree and the bike went flying in the other direction! He had a helmet on but he was clearly a bit dazed as he just stood up and shook his head. When Ben and I stopped pissing ourselves, we asked if he was OK and he just sort of nodded and swore a bit.

That night at the hostel, I took advantage of the free wine (it wasn't that exciting though - it was boxed wine) and Ben and I went out. We only intended to have a few pints but it quickly turned into a lot of pints and even more dancing. I had to have a kebab on the way home and this time (unlike in Sydney) I remembered it. Not too bad from memory, but in the morning my breath was quite manky.

I got up at 7am as we were told that the England v Wales game was on - sadly it wasn't, so I watched the Scotland v Norway match instead. Poor Scots - they were unlucky (Not that I cared). I'm glad that England slaughtered the Welsh - just like in the old days (Medieval?) - That should put those silly taffs back in their place. No offence.

Ben was leaving that same day (Sunday). His Auntie and Uncle live in Wellington so he's staying with them for a few days. And so, I have lost my partner in crime - I guess I'll go on the straight and narrow for a while. Cheers Ben - it was a good laugh.

I felt decidely dodgy with the heady mix of alcohol in my veins and strepsils. My throat is still quite sore so I made sure I got an early night.

It is my last day on the North Island and I'm waiting to catch the ferry to Picton. With time on my hands, I have been checking up on my emails and updating my blog (like the photo?). I also took the opportunity to see the Botanical Gardens and witness a duck-gang bang at the pond and see the Norwood Rose Garden - sadly - there were no roses yet but the prickly bushes looked very nice.

Also, my scabs have gone from the paintballing suicide mission - I've got some nice pink blotches on my otherwise tanned torso. I haven't picked them that much so they shouldn't scar. Damn! Chicks dig scars!

I'm very much looking forward to seeing the mountains and to see all that the South Island has to offer. I may even get a chance to see some dancing hobbits as they are kept as pets in the far south, according to the Lonely Planet guide. However, the ferry crossing is my first hurdle as it should take me back to all those Brittany Ferry crossings from my youth and the escapades Carr and I got up to on our way to Santander a few years back. I doubt I'll have a chance to relive these moments though as it's a pretty choppy journey and I may be concentrating quite hard on keeping my lunch in my stomach.

If it Smells Like Funk, It's Us

2004-10-08T01:30:00.000+01:00

Wellington was blissfully sunny when Ben, Pete and I arrived. We caught a bus to Courtenay Place which is where most of the main hostels are. We decided to stay in the Cambridge Hostel which was very plush - a converted Hotel - we thought that we were in the wrong place as it still looked like an upmarket hotel and the pub and the front was full of oldies.

The dorm was very clean and spacious but the people staying in our particular room were a little peculiar. There were 2 german girls who, for the 2 days we were there, slept all day and when they weren't sleeping they were reading in bed. Obviously agrophobic. Also there was a guy from the US (Colorado to be exact) who just moaned constantly - he didn't seem very happy to be there or even to be alive! There's just no pleasing some people.

We took a walk around town and tried to work out what to do while we were here. As the weather was good, we headed up the harbour to look back at Wellington and see some of the sights. The only thing that caught our eye was that Faithless were playing that evening in the Town Hall. Acting on impulse, we went to the ticket office nearby to see if any tickets were available. They were, but another sign caught my eye when we were in there - The Black Eyed Peas were playing in the Queens Wharf Events Centre the day after. I thought about it for all of a minute and concluded that it would be much easier to see Faithless in the UK than BEP so Ben and I opted for the funkier option. In a strange twist, I received an e-mail from Jim in Taupo who went to the Faithless gig with Dan and Dave from the Rainbow Lodge and we probably would have bumped into them if we went there instead.

As we were all at a loss as to what to do for the evening, we went to the pub to brainstorm what else to do in Welly. Of course, we got distracted by beer and pool and just ended up getting drunk. The evening was capped off by Ben and I doing a Run DMC style breakdance-off with some local rudeboys - they had the home advantage of having a little bit of talent (only a little mind) and being virtually sober. Ben and I, however, were very drunk and Ben attempted something that nearly wiped out a few spectators, and I did the famous 4x4 suicide drop which hurt a little because of my lack of practice and from the still present back wounds from the paintballing. To be fair, we were embarassing, but who cares!

The next day, Peter left for the south island and Ben and I rested up for the impending funk-fest. We set off about 90 minutes before the door opened so as to have a few beers to warm up our dancing legs. We arrived at the Queens Wharf Event Centre at 7.30pm. The doors opened at 8pm and the queue wasn't just around the block, it was around about 3 blocks! What was worse was that there was a horde of teenyboppers there - some couldn't have been older than 12 years old! I was beginning to think that this could be less enjoyable than I first thought.

Surprisingly, we were through the doors just after 8pm and we were able to get a spot very close to the stage. Most of the teenyboppers were in the seating above. I was glad because my dancing has been known to cause injury to others and I don't want any angry parents interrupting the show for me.

The opening act was Dei Hamo who I've never heard of before but they had a current No1 hit in New Zealand. They were OK but, as a homage to Ugly Duckling, I shouted "You Suck!" when they asked for crowd participation.

It was a lengthy wait (about 30 minutes) before the Black Eyed Peas came on. Ben was becoming impatient (it was his first real concert that he'd been to), so I reminded him of Hitler's powerful speeches and how he made them wait for ages before he spoke so that they would hang on his every word. No that I'm comparing BEP to fascist dictators, but it passed as conversation for about a minute.

When they came on, it was awesome. The crowd was generally quite well behaved as the place was packed and I didn't feel that many pushes or shoves from behind that are expected from a British crowd. They were impressively funky and Ben and I were chuffed when they played some oldies like "Joints and Jam" and "If it smells like Funk" especially since most of the crowd didn't have a clue they had other albums before Elephunk.

Fergie was lush (but Prince Andrew was nowhere to be seen!), Will.i.am was hilarious - always pulling faces and making me crack up, apl.de.ap was a dancing legend and Taboo was ugly as sin as always. What made me chuckle quietly to myself was that the drummer was called Keith Harris. I refrained from shouting "I hate that duck!". Despite that, the band were amazing too.

They played all the greats and I even managed to get a good dance on with the minimal space that I had - Fred would have been proud. When they did "Hey Mama" they all did their breakdance routines and I felt even more embarassed from our dancing escapades from the previous evening. In addition, they even played a few songs from the upcoming album (which, apparently, we were the first to hear) and slagged off George Bush and made a symbolic gesture towards his incompetency. Will.i.am also did askit urging us to cheer for what type of women the crowd likes - I cheered when he mentioned Asian women (In honour of Owzy-O of course) and I wasn't so fussed when they mentioned New Zealand and Maori girls. Their a little bit weird.

By far the best part of the evening was the closing few songs. They played "Where is the Love?" and the crowd went crazy. I kept on jumping up and down and accidentally elbowing the girl in front of me in the top the head! The last song they did was "Let's Get it Started/Retarded". It went on for ages and just before the end, Jack Black jumped onto the stage and started going crazy! (He's here filming "King Kong" with Peter Jackson) The security tried to get him off the stage when the band intervened - it was pure hilarity!

In all, it was an amazing night - they played for well over 90 minutes and I danced my little socks off. One thing was for sure - I smelled funky!

Doing Time

2004-10-05T10:15:00.000+01:00

I woke up on my last day in Taupo - I had been here for 9 days and it seemed like a lifetime. I was sad to leave because I really enjoyed staying there. The people that came and went were nice enough - I had met some very friendly people - and the staff were great. Ross, Jim, Dan, Jose, Sheree, Carla, Dave, Mike, Raphael, Sebastien, and Ben - If any of you get a chance to read this, thank-you for a kickass week.

I had to move on though because there is still alot of New Zealand to see and I only have 5 more weeks to see it in.

My next destination was Napier and as Ben was moving in the same direction, we travelled together on the bus. Napier was only 2 hours away and is on the East coast of the North Island in Hawkes Bay. It is supposed to be the sunniest place in all of NZ but we shall see.

We decided to stay in a hostel that was a little bit different. Napier Prison Backpackers is a hostel that has been converted from New Zealand's oldest prison. The rooms were as authentic to the original layout of the prison and the two people who worked there - Bonnie and Steve - were a little bit warped and strange. Possibly because of living in the prison all the time.

The tour (that was free with staying there) informed us of the people that were executed there, and showed us around the cells, the hanging yard - which is where the washing line was, the graveyard - which is a good sunbathing spot apparently, the solitary confinement rooms and the recreation yard. It was quite a quirky place and the history showed a huge rift between the Mongrel Boys and The Black Power who were rival NZ gangs who were well into their gang rapes and prison beatings. There was still some original prison graffiti on some of the bunks.

Also, the prison is haunted in some areas but I was generally too tired to be nervous about that. Sound did travel well though and banging doors shit me up a bit. I was staying in a cell with Ben, a guy called Peter from Eastbourne, and a guy called Seb from Switzerland. We chilled out for the day or two I was there and we even had a few games of headers and volleys in the yard - prison rules of course!

While we were in Napier, we went to Opossum World which is a shop that sells possum fur and as possums are the most hated animal in New Zealand, they had a sort of shrine in the back devoted to hating possums. It was really funny -just loads of stuffed possums singing on the top of mini's and being run over and stuff.

After that it was raining and as there is not a lot to do in Napier we went to the pub. As I've still been a little bit ill, the beers weren't going down too well. In the late afternoon, we walked to the top of the Bluff Hill Lookout which wasn't supposed to be that far away. However, we managed to get lost even though it was only 2 streets away fromn the hostel! The views from the top were special as you could see a large part of Hawkes Bay but it was incredibly windy.

We all got a reasonably early night as we were off to Wellington early the next morning. Before I left I managed to get a few mug shots taken and have a shower. Thankfully, I didn't drop the soap.

A Memorable Birthday

2004-10-05T09:22:00.000+01:00

I woke up refreshed on the morning of my 25th Birthday. Strangely, the weather was superb. It's the first time in 10 years that the sun has shined on October the 2nd for a long time. Maybe it's because it's spring here and not autumn like in the UK.

I spent the first part of the morning speaking to family and friends (at least the ones who realised the time difference). It was lovely to speak to my Mum, my Dad, Steve, Owain and Clare. I even got a chance to speak to Auntie Di! Despite making me feel a little bit homesick, I was glad to hear some familiar voices and catch up on the gossip.

In the afternoon, Carla and Ross from the hostel, had arranged for a painballing excursion, and we had 13 people go in the end. That's enough for a small war. When we got there, we all got kitted up and debriefed on the rules and the mission for the game. The game was set in some dense woodland and it had plenty of places for people to hide and get muddy in. As there were an odd number of people, I was allowed to be a mercenary which basically meant that I could shoot anyone and anyone could shoot me. This was a great advantage for me at the beginning as I found myself a perfect hiding place and was able to pick people off without them ever knowing where I was!

However, after 15 minutes or so, my goggles began to fog up and I became a bit disorientated and couldn't see where I was going. I returned back to base and upon Clare's advice to not forget about what happened to PJ on Byker Grove, I cleaned off my mask and returned to the game. This is where it got a bit tricky. Because I had lost my vantage point, I was easy picking for most people and I got shot a lot - someone even shot me on my trigger finger! I did do a few commando rolls that were pretty impressive and it was overall very scary when you hear those paint pellets whizzing over your head and you don't know where the person who is shooting at you is.

As it was my birthday, I foolishly agreed to make the day a little bit more entertaining. When the game was finished, I thought it would be a good idea to strip down to my underpants and do a gauntlet run across the field while the other 12 people shot at me (I don't seem to get any wiser with age). The object was to get to the cone at the end of the field and then run back to the starting point. This gave everyone 2 chances to get me. As I ran for my life, I never for a second thought that it would hurt as much as it did. I took a lot of shots to the body and the photos (which you'll see soon enough) captured my panic and stupidity perfectly. I did take a shot very close to my eye though as the owner didn't realise I was taking my mask off when I had finished the guantlet run. It was because I ran on his newly seeded grass that he didn't want disturbed and he was actually aiming for my family jewels. Not only was he a bad shot, he was a bit of a dickhead.

Surprisingly no-one actually shot me in the privates or even on my ass for that matter - I mean come on! It's a big enough target! As much of a laugh it was, it was painful, especially on my back which took most of the shots. Luckily, I had bought a family size tube of antiseptic cream in advance which is helping the swelling and the welts.

When I got back to the hostel and washed all of the paint off my body, I sat back and finished off the bottle of JD that I had started earlier in the week. As I was drinking on an empty stomach as well, I found that I was fairly well inaebriated after the second glass!

We went out to Mulligans (again) with most of the people who did the paintballing, which comprised mostly of the staff of the Rainbow Lodge - Ross, Carla, Jim, Jose and Dan. Ross, the owner of the hostel bought me a new Owain-esque drink - a JaegerBomb - which is a shot of Jaegermeister dropped into a half glass of Red Bull - nice tasting but nasty.

After Mulligans, we all went to Holy Cow again and as there was huge Mountain Biking Competition in town, it was absolutely packed in there. It didn't stop us tearing up the dancefloor until closing time.

For a change I remember quite a bit of the night despite being completely wasted. We got some gorgeous chicken pies on the way home - almost as good as Clancy's! When I got back to the hostel, my bro rang me up. Steve seemed blissfully unaware that it was 4am in New Zealand but I was able to have a good chat with him anyway and I even managed to have a few more beers.

Jim and Dan, however, had passed out in the hostel lounge. Dan was easy to wake up but trying to move Jim was like trying to move a dead body. We dropped him a couple of times - mostly on his head - and we eventually got him into his room. I don't think he felt that peachy when he had to go to work 4 hours later!

The morning after, the clocks had gone forward for daylight saving. It's never nice to lose an hours sleep especially if you didn't get to sleep until 6am. I felt terrible - my wounds were urting and I have developed some kind of cold - my glands are so swollen it's a bit like having bollocks in the back of your throat (No gay jokes please). I guess I'll be resting up for the next week or so.

Dan, Jose and Jim didn't look particularly well either and Ben was a little bit out of sorts too. I was very lost for most of the day and I had even lost my appetite. Not like me at all! As the day wore on, I wandered down to the lake and I wanted to stay and watch the sunset. Cold, restlessness and hunger struck and instead I got a pizza and wandered back to the hostel. The Pizza I got was from Hell's Pizza which has names for their pizza's like Sloth, Greed, Envy etc. and other sinister descriptions. I had one called mordor which covered in all sorts of meat including venison. It was exquisite but I wasn't able to finish it off. Jose helped me on that one.

By the end of the night, I was cosied up in the video room watching The Shining and wondering why these days, my hair pokes out at the sides like his does.

Week 20 - Day 131 to Day 135

2004-10-03T05:00:00.000+01:00

I was concerned that the week leading up to my Birthday was going to be a bit of an anticlimax since I did the Skydive at the beginning instead of at the end (as planned). However, I couldn't have picked a better place to have a good time. The Rainbow Lodge where I am staying (with a name like that I was surprised it wasn't a gay's only hostel) is really friendly and all the staff are down to earth and generally cool people.

Monday - The day after the skydive - it was raining, and as my body was aching and possibly still in shock of the previous day's escapades, I was relieved to rest up for a bit. I have also found a partner in crime for the week leading up to my birthday. Ben is a british lad and, despite being young and ginger, he's a really good laugh. As it was freezing in the wind and rain, we declared monday as official games day. We played Shithead (every backpacker knows THAT one), Connect 4, Yahtzee, Scrabble and played a lot of Pool.

Tuesday - It was another lazy day and I had a chance to catch up with my washing and checked out my plans over the next month - i.e. where I plan to go and what activities to do. In the evening I, along with Ben and a few others, decided to go along to the Pub Quiz at Mulligans Bar as it is said to be a good laugh and the beer is generally cheap. When we got there, we were a bit late so we joined another team of backpackers from our hostel - Susie, Tim, Robbie and Sean. After every 10 questions they would set a challenge. I volunteered but was unaware that I wasn't best suited to the game - my teammate had to get a tennis ball up one trouser leg and down the other. However, I was wearing no underwear! With the incentive of free beer, I dropped my trousers to make it easier. Oh the shame - getting my cock out in a pub and I'd only been there for 5 minutes! I did get a couple of free beers though.

The evening wore on and we didn't do too badly in the quiz considering we didn't have a clue what was going on. Ben had dressed up as a woman and put a condom on a banana using only his mouth and I started to worry about him. He did get an amazing amount of free beer too though for his efforts.

After the quiz, we went to the club upstairs called Holy Cow. It's not a hindu bar but it did have a big dancefloor and enough space on the tables for everyone to dance on. Robbie proved himself to be some kind of dancing God and we all joined in for some craziness by closing time, doing knee slides and jumping from the tables to The Darkness.

On the way home, Tim, Ben and I embarked on some bush jumping. However, they were trying to jump over the bushes, while I was trying to somersaults into them. Surprising, I had very few injuries - Just some scuffed knees and the bushes left their scent on me which made me smell pine fresh.

Wednesday - Despite having a stinking hangover, I went for a brisk walk up to the Huka Falls and possibly beyond if I could bear it. I had to walk past the Bungy site to get to the walkway and it was the sort of bungy that dips you into the water. That could have been what I needed but decided against it when I realised how high up it was!

The walk took me up the Waikato River which leads up to the Huka Falls. It took me about an hour to get there but it was a beautiful walk and it was a perfect day. The water around Lake Taupo and the Waikato River is so clear - even when I was really high up, I could still see the bottom of the river!

The Huka Falls are an amazing sight. It's basically a part of the river that converges into a very narrow path and surges out of the other end. The water moves so fast and there is a huge roar when you're right by the waterfall.

As I had a bit left in the tank, I decided to walk on to the Craters of the Moon which is a thermal activity reserve another 30 minutes walk from the falls. When I got there, I thought that it could possibly be more of what I've already seen but it was strangely different. Craters had been formed from built up pressure under the ground which blows up just underneath the surface. What is left are strange smoking craters that look eerily similar to what you'd see on the moon.

The walk back was hard work but I was able to stop by a thermal stream and dip my feet into it and relax my weary blistered feet. What I wasn't aware of was that there are areas of quicksand near to thermal streams and pools in this area but I was lucky not to get stuck. My evening was basically spent watching a video or two in the TV room of the hostel. It was this evening that I felt my first earthquake. It was only a rumble, a bit like when a lorry drives past a house that's close to the road, but it was something to experience none-the-less.

Thursday - I went for a walk along the lake front which I walked from the river mouth up to the beach which wasn't actually that far. I threw a few pummice stones into the lake and watched them float away and I saw a dead duck. In truth, I was quite tired from the previous day's huge walk.

On the way back to the hostel, I bumped into 3 of the boys from the hostel and we decided to play some mini golf. When we got there, there was a guy with an amazing mullet which sort of put me off my swing. As people who haved played mini golf with me before, I tend to lose a lot and I wasn't about to shake that tradition. I came joint last after some serious putting faux-pas'.

In the evening, I cracked open the bottle of Jack Daniels that I bought duty free from Australia. About 10 of us hit the town and went to Tongue & Groove which had a live band. They were pretty good but I was already a little bit wasted and was also being stalked by a psychotic canadian girl.

Even worse was the fact that I rang my Dad while I was horrendously drunk. I feel so bad because that's twice in a row now and I feel that he may think I have a drinking problem.....which is a possibility.

Friday - Another day, another hangover. The plan? Exercise! Ben and I hired out mountain bikes from the hostel and we went to do the mountain bike trails past the Huka Falls and up to the Aratiata Dam and the rapids beyond.

I haven't actually ridden a bike for a very long time and I got the hang of it......on the flat parts. The moment I reached a hill, I was struggling. The trails that we were doing were amazing and despite having to push the bike for half of the journey, it was exhilirating and I stopped worrying about my aching head. Instead, I was more concerned about making it home at all as my legs felt like they were going to fall off. We must have probably ridden 40 kilometres and it was all hard going.

By the end of the day, I was seriously saddlesore and I had to sit on a plump cushion for the rest of the night. The next day was a big one for me........I would be half a century old.

Skydiving Over Mordor

2004-09-27T06:05:00.000+01:00

I arrived in Taupo and I was eager to see the AFL final between Port Adelaide and the Brisbane Lions. With Port's scarf securely wrapped round my next, I went to the nearest pub which was willing to show it - as it was a saturday, it clashed with some of the locally televised Rugby Union games. I found an Irish pub that had it on in the end and had a few guinness' to show my appreciation to them.

The game was pretty fierce - punches were thrown, dirty tactics were used and it was generally very fast-paced. Thankfully, Port Adelaide won in the end and I was glad to be supporting the right team for a change (Plymouth Argyle certainly are sliding down the table at present).

When I got back to the hostel, I bumped into someone from Ivybridge of all places! We got talking about Plymouth and the surrounding area and reminiscing about the old scummy clubs and pubs we used to go to in Plymouth City Centre. His name was Keith Bowker which was wierd because I recognised his surname. It turns out his family own P.L. Bowker in Lee Mill! Also, equally strange is that he recognised my name and thought of Lang & Potter - bit spooky that!

Anyway, it turns out that he was the main site manager who built the Chaddlewood Inn - apparently it was the quickest Bass Brewery pub ever constructed (it took 14 weeks) as they wanted it to be open by the new financial year, but when it opened all the windows were leaking so buckets were strategically placed all over the pub! Classy establishment that!

Also, he informed me that bricks used for the internal parts of the building were reclaimed from council houses and toilet blocks from Birmingham - I always thought that pub was full of shit and now I know why!

I intend to stay for a week in Taupo and my original plan was to build myself up to do a skydive on my birthday (Saturday 2nd October). However, the next day, there was not a cloud in the sky - a proper Ferris Beuller's Day Off kind of day. I went to the reception desk at the hostel and as the weather is somewhat unpredictable in Taupo, I was recommended to do the skydive there and then and have the perfect skydive. I thought about it and came to the conclusion that he was right so I booked myself on the next available plane to jump out of.

Now I know it's not much of a surprise (Thanks Owain!) but here is my recollection of it anyway.

I was picked up by the Taupo Tandem Skydiving courtesy bus. The driver's name was Disco. His parent's were hippies. Say's it all really. When I got there, I ummed and aahed about what height to skydive from. In the end I decided to do the 15000ft drop.

I had to wait for about half an hour or so until we went up in the air but to my surprise, I wasn't cacking myself. The instructor who did the tandem dive with me was called Brad Rock - quite possibly the best name in the world. He was from South Africa and thankfully, he didn't try and wind me up by saying stuff like "that harness looks like it may break" or anything else like that.

The views from the plane were amazing. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and I could see from the East to the West coast of the North Island. Also, the ascent went over Lake Taupo which you can tell, even from a great height, has amazingly clear water. The greatest sight though was Tongarirro National Park which has 2 snow capped volcanoes and was used in Lord of the Rings to represent Mordor. Truly spectacular stuff!

When it was time to die - I mean dive - they take an exit shot showing just how much fear is in your eyes! Then........I was thrown out of the plane, doing backflips and all sorts until we were stabilised and I was just screaming my head off and travelling at over 130mph! because I was so high up, I had over 60 seconds of freefalling.

Just before the parachute opened, I felt a great blob of snot leave my nose and it must have gone in the instructors face as we were going at some speed! Poor bugger. When the parachute was opened at 3000ft, I was able to take it all in and apologise for the snot incident. Brad then decided to do a few tricks and was spiralling down and then putting on the brakes so I'd get a wierd feeling of weightlessness and then drop like a stone before the parachute cradled me again!

When we landed, we were going at some speed and just skidded right on my ass. I had so much adrenalin pumping through my body, I couldn't do anything but grin like an idiot for the rest of the day!

The funniest thing though is that I got an email from my Mum the next day and she just said "I hear you did a skydive. Well done. Don't do it again".

Geysers Need Excitement

2004-09-26T07:06:00.000+01:00

The coach driver to Rotorua was probably the most dull man in the world - for the meal stop he felt obliged to list all the possibilities that you could have from the menu ("We've got Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans and spam.............." etc). Thanfully it was a short journey.

When we arrived in Rotorua, we realised that the rumours were true- It does stink there! Because it's a geo-thermal area, sulphurous gases are emitted and there's that faint waft of egg when you walk about. As opposed to Bali, Rotorua is an easy place to fart!

We stayed at the Funky Green Voyager, which is a hostel that is in a prime location - it's away from the worst smelling part of town, it's right next to 3 supermarkets, it's in a residential area 5 mins from the town centre and it's only a short walk to the main geo-thermal areas at Te Whakarewarera. Gerard, the owner, was a little bit outspoken and once you got used to him, he was a good laugh. The hostel was great too as it's a converted century-old house (which is old for New Zealand) which had a nice conservatory and a wood burner which was especially cosy in the evenings.

On our first full day, Kim and I went to the NZ Maori Arts and Craft Institute at Te Whakarewarera. It sounds a boring place but it is where all the geysers and mud pools were. Obviously we had to walk through the Authentic Maori Village and past the weaving sheds and all that nonsense, but I was keen to see some volcanic stylee action! First up was the mud pools and I couldn't help thinking it was the Bog of Eternal Stench from Labyrinth - David Bowie was hiding in the bushes playing with his balls somewhere nearby, I was sure of it.

After that we came to the Prince of Wales Feathers Geyser which has 3 jets that spray all day like the emblem it was named after. I was keen to see the "Big Splash"or Pohutu Geyser as it's called which apparently erupts every 15-20 mins and can go as high as 25 metres. After waiting for over an hour, I decided that it wasn't as spectacular as I originally thought and I'd seen it erupt a few times and not even noticed! It turns out that I was looking at the wrong hole! (Insert your own joke here)

We walked around the Thermal Valley which is, to be fair, quite amazing. It was only on this day that I realised that I was standing inbetween two continental plates /on the fault line of a country that has had some of the biggest volcanic eruptions in the history of Man. Scary but amazing none the less.

On the way out we saw some kiwis (i.e. the native birds) As they are an endangered species, believe it or not, they had one enclosed in a darkened enclosure. They're a lot bigger than I thought and they move in a very peculiar fashion - members of the ministry of silly walks for birds maybe?).

Also, we had free admission to a Maori Entertainment Concert in the compound where there was a lot of singing and dancing and bulging eyes and sticking out tongues. Only one of the guys had the tattoos though and the others seemed a bit on the chubby side to be fierce warriors, but I still got to see them do the Haka (Nothing like Owzy's Fijian rendition for HBOS).

The next day, we went walking around the Redwood Grove and Whaka Forest - it was amazing scenery and, as we were feeling a bit brave, we ventured on one of the longest walks which gave us great elevated views of Rotorua and the lake. However, I paid the price as I felt terribly unfit on some of the steeper hills and I now have some pretty nasty blisters on my feet! We still managed to do the hike in good time and eventually walked somewhere around 20 - 25kms!

Kim had been waiting for her Australian Work Visa to come through, and after nearly 10 days it came through, much to her relief. As her flight was scheduled for sunday, she went back to Auckland and I made my way to Taupo but not before stopping in a cafe around the road from the bus station called Zippy's which has the nicest bagels in the world.

On a tangent I have noticed that there are a few establishments which have wrestling related names - Bradshaws B&B and Cactus Jack's Downtown Backpackers. Strange but I'm still waiting to see Eddie Guerreros Nacho Taverna.

"Did you guys see the size of that chicken?"

2004-09-26T05:52:00.000+01:00

Last Monday morning, Kim and I embarked for the Waitomo Caves from Auckland. After stopping in a tea room (very Devonshire) and passing fields full of cattle, sheep and even emus before we reached our destination. However, before we arrived in the village, the bus driver stopped at a shop which had a free viewing of an Angorran Rabbit being sheared!? It was a strange affair in which a long haired bunny was tied to a rotisserie whilst still alive and turned while a huge woman with butcher's arms trimmed it. Everyone got a chance to pet it and so on but it was quite a surreal moment.

Waitomo is a small village with a population of about 23! It has 2 bars a newsagents a museum and a kiddies park but that's it! We stayed in the Kiwi Paka YHA hostel and it was virtually brand new! It was so clean and the rooms were excellent. Not too shabby!

After booking an excursion for the following day, we went for a walk to the Aranui Caves along the Waitomo Walkway. After reading the Lonely Planet guide, it warned of ticks and leeches when walking around forested areas in NZ. After living in Wales for the last 2 years, I didn't think it would be much different as I often had to watch out for leeks and titches! (D'ya get it?)

It turned out to be a very muddy track and I even managed to get mud up my trousers around my inner thigh (no.....I didn't soil myself!). It was a beautiful walk - the first half was reminiscent of Dartmoor with craggy outcrops of rock and lots of sheep and the second part was almost tropical as we followed the river past and into the caves. In all the walk took over 3 or so hours and I'm sure it's going to be one of many nature walks that I do in this fine country.

The next day, we went black water rafting in Te Ana Roa which means the Long Cave. Our guide was called Dempsey(No sign of Makepeace?) and he was a farm boy who has converted to the tourist industry. He looked a bit like Sol from Hollyoaks and he kept on saying "Sweet As!" and grinning from ear to ear. He was a nice guy though and made me chuckle throughout the trip.

We all had to get kitted out in wetsuits, hard hats and great big chunky wellies as we were likely to be totally immersed. The object of the trip was a bit like white water rafting but in a cave.

We all walked for a few minutes from the drop off point, through pasture land and past cows and got to the entrance of the cave. It wasn't too cold for the first part of the jounrney but one we got above knee height in water, it was pretty cold! We basically floated down the cave on a rubber ring (all interconnected) and turned our headlights off in order to see the glowworms. They were spectacular - It was like the night sky but green! Weird to think that they're just fancy maggots!

There were rock formations from the stalactites and stalacmites that were amazing and had taked millions of years to form. One looked like Bob Marley, another looked like a gnome on a hill and Dempsey even gave us a broken stalactite to hold to appreciate the weight of the rock, but I thought it was a bit phallic in the end as it was a like passing around a dildo in a sex shop (remember Prague, Steve?!). We also had to do a few jumps off small waterfalls in the cave and there was even a slide at the end as it was too steep to jump! By that time, I couldn't feel my hands and I was so looking forward to a hot shower.

When we got back to the centre, I had that hot shower and we even had soup and toast waiting for us when we finished. It was a brilliant trip to do as long as you don't mind getting wet and dirty!

The views from the hostel were virtually undisturbed by civilisation. We sat and had hot chocolate and the hostel even had a restaurant that made the most delicious pizzas ( we had the one with sun dried tomatoes, camembert, olives, cashews and pesto).

As there wasn't much else to do there, we opted to go to Rotorua the next day which is famed for it's bad smell. Great!

Kia Ora Auckland!

2004-09-19T07:43:00.000+01:00

When I arrived in Auckland, It was raining. Oh how I've missed it! I was the last person off the plane because there is no sense in rushing in an airport as they hire people specifically to slow you down anyway.

I was waiting at the Luggage carousel for my backpack whilst whistling popular Herb Alpert classics like Little Spanish Flea and Tijuana Taxi, when I realised a beagle sniffing at my leg. It was the Police sniffer dog and could obviously smell something it liked in my bag. As the handler asked me to open the bag for the dog to have a good sniff, she quizzed me about anything I might have had in my bag over the last week, waiting for me to slip up and mention the 10 kilos of cocaine stashed in the lining. Thankfully, it wasn't true but she still made me feel like a criminal.

To my dismay, the dog wasn't finished yet. When my bag trundled along the conveyor belt, the beagle jumped up and was sat on top of my bag pointing down with it's paw and winking at me. I made my excuses and I eventually escaped unscathed and no body cavity search was required. That'll teach me to be a cat person!

I got a shuttle to the Auckland Central Backpackers (very nice, clean and good showers) and I was blessed with someone's company from a previous adventure. It was Kim who is in New Zealand to get her working visa for Oz. Sadly for her, they're taking their time in processing it and she was stuck in Auckland with nobody to talk to. As Kim has had to extend her stay in NZ, she has decided to tag along with me for the next week until it all gets sorted out.

I spent over 36 hours in Auckland and I have concluded that it is the biggest city in the world to do nothing in. Even though I couldn't wait to get out of the city, I still overslept and had to rush to get the coach to the Waitomo Caves.

Well, I am now officially 4 months out of 7 into my trip . I am so overjoyed at the fact that I'm in New Zealand - the place I've wanted to go for such a long time. I feel absolutely Tip-Top (as Owain would say).

Reflections of Oz

2004-09-17T08:02:00.000+01:00

First of all, my journey out of the country was eventful, but only slightly - Waking up at 5.30am to get the train to Sydney Central Station from Kings Cross. It's that time in the morning when everyone is just going home and are either, a bit pissed or a bit tetchy. Not anice experience at all! When I arrived at the Central Station I was told that the connecting train to the domestic airport had been cancelled! I eventually found my way onto a bus that got me there and just in time for my subsequent flight to Brisbane. Thankfully, my flight from Brisbane to Auckland went smoothly.

Now that I've left, I've been thinking about my travels through that huge country that is Australia.

When I first arrived, it was a huge shock to the system for me -
- I was arriving in a country where money was easy to spend on nothing.
- there were hidden costs on most trips which was frustrating.
- everything was so far apart and took ages to get to.
- I had to deal with dormitories again and having to cook for myself
- and every activity seemed to involve a lot of drinking

With these factors in my mind, I became very homesick and was probably a concern to close friends and family who heard my distress and frustrations over the phone.

The realisation of my situation hit me properly when I got to Alice Springs - I knew that Australia was always going to be the most difficult country on my trip because I was visiting it during the halfway mark of my trip - my middle country - which is a time which I have found difficult coping with in the past - everything and everyone seemed so far and away. The other main reason is that I have been building up the prospect of visiting New Zealand for a long time and I was eager to get there and therefore for my Australian adventure to end.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every bit of my time in Oz - I mean, for christ's sake, I didn't have to work for a start! I had a great time and the fact that most of my trip was like one long reunion with people from previous countries on my trip, made me realise that I'm having the time of my life.

I realise that I probably took a lot of my time for granted in Australia, worrying about this and that, but I've got a lot out of it and now, I feel better than ever.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me over the last few months. I know that this is quite a personal thing to be sharing, but it's just to say that I have missed home but I know that it'll still be there at Christmas when I get back and I'm not about to wish this special time in my life away.

We're going to the Zoo, Zoo, Zoo. How about You, You, You?

2004-09-17T05:13:00.000+01:00

Yesterday was, in theory, my last day to seight see in Australia. So, I bought myself a daytripper ticket on the ferry and set about seeing as much as my tired feet could take me to.

My first stop was Taronga Zoo. With my contacts (i.e. Myles) I was able to blag myself in for free as his friend Anna has a gold pass which can get 4 people in for free. Thinking about it, I could have made some money out of it by offering 3 other people in with me and pay me a fraction of the ticket price. However, like with the bowling shoes, I'll have to stop thinking about what could have been.

The zoo was pretty impressive and, despite the renovation works to some areas and my ability to get lost on various occassions, it had an impressive amount of animals and great views of the Sydney skyline (the Opera house and the Bridge).

The zoo also seemed to have all the schools in Sydney on a daytrip - It was madness! Kids were screaming everywhere it's surprising that the animals weren't all cowering in the corners of their enclosures!

I have been in Australia for about 6 weeks now and I still hadn't seen half the amout of critters associated with Australia.....until now.
- The koalas were asleep but they were very cute and I'm sure if they were awake, they would be dopey as anything anyway.
-The kangaroo enclosure was a little strange as you just walk into a pen and they hop around you (if they can be bothered).
- The Tasmanian Devil was full of beans - I only had a couple of chances to get a photo of him as he was running all over the place and dragging his arse on the floor which was a bit strange.
- The Platypus was really special - you don't often see them either as they're quite shy
- The snake house was full of the most venomous snakes in the world and most of them come from Australia (10 out of the 15 most venomous land snakes in the world come from Oz.....apparently)
- The crocodiles were huge and menacing. There was a mock crocodiles head poking out of the water by the viewing window and I nearly shat myself - it looked so lifelike but it didn't stop the other kids laughing at me.
- I eventually got to see a Komodo dragon and this ones legs weren't broken like on Komodo Island. It was 7ft monster though and I couldn't help thinking that it was looking at me thinking that it could quite easily swallow me whole.
- they had silverback gorillas and now I see why Steve got that nickname.
- They also had a snow leopard which should have been quite distinctive with it's white coat aginst the greenery of it's enclosure, however it won this particular game of hide and seek.

There were plenty of other animals that they just don't have in Paignton Zoo (and some that they do but they seemed more at home in the Sydney sunshine): Hippos, Elephants, Giant Tortoises, Giraffes, Zebras, Himalayan mountain goats, camels, seals, Emus, Spider monkeys, a rhino (not the Rhino from Gladiators), Lions, Tigers and bears (oh my!).

But by far my favourites were the orangutans (there was a big one there and I could tell by his face that he was bored out of his mind!) and the meercats. I was sorely tempted to put one in my bag and take it with me but customs would never let me, even if I said I was the Beastmaster!

After the Zoo I went to Manly. I'd been recommended to visit Manly by many people saying that it had a nicer beach than Bondi, it's pretty relaxed there and they have beach volleyball courts. I also wanted to fulfil the cliche of having a Manly Pie!

Thankfully the rumours were true - Manly is lovely. I had a Manly Pie but I chose the most womanly type - Thai Brocolli and Potato. They also had volleyball courts there and I was itching to play a game but sadly it was only a bunch of school kids and their teacher playing and it would have been a bit of a harsh match up!

When I got back to the flat, Myles, Mark, Beth and I had some dinner and then me and Myles went out for a few drinks. However, to make the night a bit cheaper, we got good and drunk on the way - Turbo shandys and Smirnoff Ice is 7% out here! So, with brown paper bags in hand, we went to the 3 Wise Monkeys.

On the way, I rang my Dad and I suspect he knew that I was a touch inaebriated as I wasn't making much sense. Sorry Dad! There was a local band at the pub called Speckle which was on the top floor. After a few drinks downstairs, we went to see the band but my memory becomes a little hazy from there. I remember dancing, and jumping about and having no balance and bumping into people.

What I don't remember is moving onto the Jack Daniels, the journey back to the flat and having a kebab. I woke up this morning fully clothed with breath that could strip paint and all the clues were there to point towards a kebab related struggle. I'm no Columbo but the stains on my shirt and the serviettes in my pocket were the main clues!

I'm now suffering from a hangover and I'm biding my time before my flight tomorrow morning. It's an early start so bedtime seems iminent.

Next time you'll hear from me, I'll be in New Zealand where the sheep are warm and easy.

Sorry for the Delay

2004-09-15T08:31:00.000+01:00

Just a quick note to say that you'll see that I've been a bit busy and they are 6 new updates for you all to read. I'm sorry that it's all at once but I've found it hard to get myself motivated to update them all over the last 2 weeks. However, I'm all up to date now and I'll try and keep on top of my adventures as soon as things happen to me.

My next updates should hopefully include Manly Beach, Taronga Zoo and my reflections of Australia.

Sydney's Sights and Bondi

2004-09-15T07:48:00.000+01:00

I arrived in Sydney on Monday morning at 8am. It had been 12 hours on the bus and it wasn't that comfortable this time. I'll be quite glad when I get to New Zealand and it doesn't take a day to get to the next major city like here in Australia!

I'd spoken to Myles (from the Asia Trip no less) a couple of days previously and he had a spare room in the flat he was staying in. It was in the Paddington area of Sydney which is near to Darlinghurst and Kings Cross so I got a taxi to meet him nearby to the flat. Yet again, it was another reunion but (as I've said many times before) it was good to meet a familiar face.

For $80 a week, the flat was pleasant and it gave me my own room. The thought of having to face another stinky hostel is too much to think about especially in a city the size of Sydney - that generally means the hostels are worse in my opinion.

After I unpacked my bag, Myles went to the Gym but he met up with me when I eventually got out of the flat and he acted as my tour guide for the afternoon. We walked past the Rushcutters Bay, the Naval Base (a lot less security that Devonport Dockyard - just a fence!), The Rocks, Darling Harbour and Hyde Park. Obviously no tour of the city would be complete without seeing the Sydney Opera House and the "Old Coat Hanger", Sydney Harbour Bridge. Both were impressive and despite the possibility of climbing the bridge, I was happy to view them from the ground.

On the way home we went through Kings Cross (which is seedy and stinky) and on to the post office at the end of the road. It had just recently closed but I just wanted to see if they had boxes in order for me to send a package home. However, we were caught by a mad chinese lady (who works for Australia Post) who wanted to give us some advice about sending parcels abroad. She basically rambled on about everything and anything: don't use talcum powder or you'll be black marked if you apply for residency in Australia/ wrap everything in towels/ take batteries out/ you should apply for residency in Australia/ there's a guy I know who picks up girls at the supermarket and he hides behind cereal boxes and so on and so on. She was quite clearly lonely and probably has no contact with customers all day (probably at the insistance of the management) but when I tried to make my excuses after 20 minutes of her talking gibberish, she just followed us up the street. This woman was unbelievable but Myles and I were being terribly british about it all and we didn't have the heart to tell her to just f__k off!

When we eventually got back to the flat, I met the other tenants, Mark (who I had previously met on the River Kwai tour) and Beth, his girlfriend. They are both working in a toy factory here and as the purse strings have had to tighten for them, I was due for a few quiet nights.

I slept like a baby that night and woke up (albeit late) refreshed and set out to walk to Bondi beach and possibly have a few games of beach volleyball. I started to walk in the general direction of Bondi but ended up getting miserably lost. What should have been a 1 hour walk quickly turned into 2 and a half hours! However, I did eventually get there but, to my dissapointment, I couldn't find any volleyball being played and even more alarming was the "no ball games" sign on the beach! Oh well. Not to be dismayed too easily I just sat on the beach and sunbathed and read my New Zealand Lonely Planet guide and soaked in some rays. As much of a dissapointment the lack of volleyball was, Bondi has some interesting graffitti murals (mostly in comemmoration of people who died in the Bali Bomb) and a very glamorous feel to it - i.e. the women in bikinis outnumbered the ogling blokes.........just!

I decided to get the bus back to the flat from Bondi as I now have huge blisters on the soles of my feet from all the walking around I've been doing! About 25 miles in the last 2 days alone. When I got back I was asked to cook for the rest of the flat. Well.....surprise, surprise I did my special again! This blogspot's getting like a broken record - reunion, specialgetti, reunion, specialgetti, reunion........

Of course, the meal was a success and we sat down with some beers and some wine and watched Australian Idol. Now, I'm not one to get excited about this sort of programming but I witnessed a true entertainer on the show. His name is Flynn and he's a chinese fella from Melbourne. He is also one of the singers from the "truly tragic" section of the show but he is amazing - if any of you can get access to any of his footage you'll know what I mean.

"Youre Dad and my Dad should go bowling sometime"

2004-09-15T06:55:00.000+01:00

It was saturday and after a hearty breakfast (thanks Nat) we went see their friend David and then go bowling. As we entered his house we were greeted by his Grandma who originally hailed from near Manchester. As Nat and Deb talked about belly dancing to Jean (his Mum) I had a chat with Vi (the Grandma) and she was a character as said stuff like "I doubt it's changed much since I was last there in 1952" and then chocked me on the arm and gave me a killer grin.

We went to the Bowling Alley which is next door to the Cheesecake Shop (Am I in heaven?) and we got set up to have a couple of games. To my surprise, they didn't take my shoes when they gave me the bowling shoes and they were brand new! I so much wanted to steal them and show off my fancy new bowling pumps to Owzy-O when I got back to the UK.

Unlike the last time when I bowled (in Melaka) when Frank hustled me, I went for the big score and got 148 - not bad for 2 months out of the game eh Stevey? The next game I was hustled again as Deb won this time - I blame getting distracted by the homeboys on the next lane (pull your damn trousers up over your pants!) and the wierdos on the other lane throwing it sideways instead of ahead! Bowling alleys can attract some oddbods at the best of times.

That evening we were all invited to a meal at a chinese restaurant for Deb's friend, Chantelle's, birthday. As the girls prepared themselves I made some super strong White Russians (Vodka, Kahlua and Milk) which got us all geared up for the evening ahead.

We all rendez-voused at Chantelle's house for a few glasses of champagne before going to the restaurant and as it was generally comprised of couples all keeping to themselves, myself and Dave got chatting and had a whale of a time getting roaringly drunk.

When we got to the restaurant, the table was clearly seperated at either end: The thinkers and the drinkers. No prizes for guessing which category we fell into. Chantelle was a great laugh especially since she was all over the place because of the champagne at her house, but her friends were generally quiet and not much fun. No worries - We had enough fun to spread around.

The food was really good and I tried everything that the banquet had to offer but sadly there was no crispy duck and pancakes which is a must at any chinese meal, surely. At the end of the meal Chantelle had a celebratory dessert brought out for her and the staff sang Happy Birthday to her. We'd heard that tune many times through the night as it was a popular restaurant but I didn't expect one for me! - Nat had requested a birthday treat for me as well as she wasn't going to see me for my birthday (which is in a few weeks by the way), which was sweet of her.

After the restaurant, most of the boring couples went home and the rest of us went to a Pub/Club called Davey's. I would have prefered to go to Kittens over the road as it had topless barstaff but I was convinced otherwise as Davey's is known to be a good laugh for everyone and they have good music.

In truth it was one of the best night's out I've had for a while - the live band was quite good, the DJ inbetween played some classics and the women were stunning. Of course, after an alcohol fuelled night I was more interested in a good dance and a few more drinks. When I got out to the dancefloor I noticed a man was wearing some brand new bowling shoes! It turns out he was bowling on the same day and he couldn't resist the temptation - I so wish I'd nabbed myself a pair now!

As the night wore on, I lost Nat as she too busy chatting to some guy called Mark Heinz and had dissapeared. Presuming that she had already gone, Deb and I went back to the house only to get a phonecall from Nat saying where were we!? We went and picked her up and got back to the house for some more white russians and for Nat to dig out her old Abba cassettes and play them full blast at 6am! I pity the neighbours!

The next day we all got up late as it had been a bit of a wild night and, whilst teasing Nat about Mark Heinz (an old friend from school) we slobbed about and watched some bootlegged movies. We watched Garfield (Bravo - Bill Murray) and Dodgeball (Bravo - Chuck Norris) whilst I tried to eat an entire lemon cheesecake from the Cheesecake Shop (I only managed half but got some to take with me for the impending journey).

In the evening Nat and Deb drove me to the Bus station for yet another night trip to Sydney. I had a great time in Melbourne thanks to Nat, Deb and Dave and I could quite easily come back here again but maybe in their summertime!

I Got Chills

2004-09-15T06:36:00.000+01:00

I met Nat at Frankston Station and it was really good to see her as she sees the Asia trip as something that opened her eyes to travelling and we got on really well on the trip.

She got me to her house where I met her younger sister and she showed the rest of the house. After having a shower (as the ones in the hostel were skanky) she cracked open some bottles of wine. Oh, how nice it was to be drinking bottled wine instead of boxes. I miss those sorts of luxuries. As Nat had taken the following day off, we stayed up late and polished off about 4 bottles of wine whilst setting the world to rights (mainly speaking about future travelling plans, politics, religion and many other controversial subjects).

The next day, she took me to Sorrento which is ahorbour village which was very quaint but the trees looked like Lego trees!? As we missed the ferry to the other side of the bay, we went up to a lookout at the top of the hill called Arthurs Seat which had great views of the coast and of Melbourne in the far distance.

As we made our way down the hill again we decided to stop for a pub lunch at the Pig & Whistle which is the most english pub I've been in for a long time. It was very cosy (mainly because it had started to rain) and we sampled some locally produced wine. The only thing which was out of place in the pub was the notice board which had a picture of an elderly man in leather underpants and a chain around his neck. Strange.

That evening I cooked for the girls in the house and we expected Francisco (also from the Trip) to come round - sadly he couldn't make it as his sister went into labour that evening but at least now I can call him Uncle Frank. Specialgetti was on the menu again I'm afraid but it went down well and so did the 4 bottles of wine we bought on the way home! We stayed in and watched a cult musical marathon on the TV - Grease followed by The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The girls went to bed before the end of Rocky Horror but I did a Mum special and fell asleep by the end and woke up at 3am not knowing where I was.

Visiting Ramsey Street

2004-09-15T06:11:00.000+01:00

The next day, I embarked on a Neighbours Tour of Ramsey Street Tour in the hope of recognising the street, meeting some stars and possibly even getting the chance to goose Harold Bishop. However, the chance of visiting the street and catching them during a shoot is not as common as I thought.

We left the hostel and travelled through the Italian and Spanish quarters of the city but the most memorable street en route was Brunswick Street - It was basically full of shops to cater for the diverse elements of Melbourne's inhabitants - they had many different music shops, a 70's shop called Shag and an S&M store with a mannequin in a gimp mask in some stocks in the front window - very interesting......and my birthday is coming up soon!

On our way to Ramsey Street we passed the Church where Scott and Charlene got married, the Hospital where Mrs Mangel died and Erinsbrough High School - strangely enough it's a Dog Training School! We passed the channel 10 studios where Lassiters is set up and I was amazed to find out that it's also where Prisoner Cell Block H was filmed as well. Well I never!

We got to Ramsey Street eventually and sadly there was no TV crew and not even a celebrity in sight. I did get to stand in one of the most famous streets in the world though but apparently the residents don't appreciate it if you defecate on their lawn, even if it is where Lou Carpenter lives.

Even so, Ramsey Street (or Pin Oak Court as it actually named) was a lot smaller than I thought and I was surprised to find out that the residents get paid $45,000 (about 18,000 pounds) a year to put up with the film crews.

On the way back, we visited St Kilda. There wasn't a lot to see there apart from Luna Park (which was closed) the beach (it was too cold to get naked) and the cake shops (damn them all!).

When the tour was over, I struggled down to the train station to get a train to Frankston, which is where Nat and Deb (her sister) live. The journey was about an hour long and it was jam packed which isn't a popular situation for a backpacker, but I managed to get there in one piece and Nat was waiting for me at the station.

Leaving Adelaide for Melbourne

2004-09-15T05:07:00.000+01:00

My last 2 days in Adelaide wer very relaxed which gave me achance to do some washing and as it raining quite heavily, watch some more films. We did find time to phone Kim (from the Bali trip) and wind him up - I pretended to be the french boyfriend of a girl that he slept with in Bali that he bragged about a few times. The great thing was that he fell for it completely and Purdey and Benno were in hysterics which gave it away - when he realised it was me he sounded so relieved. It was good to catch up with him but he may not have felt the same way.

Benno was particularly ill on my final day and he lounged around the house while I walked the dog and just chatted about stuff. That evening Purdey and Ben dropped me off at the bus station and we had a goodbye beer across the road.

Yet again, thanks to Ben, Tracey, Purdey and Minnie for giving me such a good time in Adelaide. I don't know if I'll remember that much of it because of the excessive drinking but I've got some photos that might spark something in my brain!

I was on another night bus to Melbourne and thankfully I was able to get enough sleep to get through the next day. For convenience sake I decided to stay at a hostel quite close to the station as I didn't want to stray too far with my backpack.

I immediately set off to see the main sights of central Melbourne. I started off with The Melbourne Museum and worked my way through Fitzroy Gardens where Captain Cooks Cottage is now located (apparently he had it moved brick by brick to Melbourne from England - what's the point in that!). As I worked my way down the East side of the city, I came across the sporting Mecca of Melbourne. On one side of the railway track was the MCG - a 120,000 seater stadium (currently being refurbished to seat over 150,000!) which is home to 3 AFL clubs and has the rights to the Grand Final game of Aussie Rules for the next 100 years (or something stupid like that). Across the track was the Rod Laver Arena and the Vodafone Arena which is most memorable for the Australian Open (Tennis' Grand Slam Tournament). However, when it's not being used for tennis, it's being used as a music venue to house the likes of Dido and Tom Jones. He's got a beard now - she hasn't.

I also got the chance to see the Melbourne Storms train on their ground opposite the Rod Laver Arena. They're a quite successful Rugby Union team over here. I wasn't really that excited about that but Owzy-O might be impressed(?).

My next amble was over the Yarra River to the Royal Botanical Gardens and the surrounding sights. Melbourne actually reminds me a bit like Prague in that it has amazing views amid greenery and it's largely focussed around the river running through it. Obviously Prague doesn't have huge skyscrapers but it's only one mans opinion.

My first thought as I walked along Batman Avenue was that the Australians don't have that much imagination when it comes to naming places - I mean naming a road after a popular comic book character is a bit desperate! But, I soon learned that one of Australia's pioneers was called John Batman so it wasn't as bad as I thought. Batman Avenue led me to the Myer Music Bowl which is one of the largest open air music arena's in Australia - it got a prime location as well as the back drop is the city which pokes out over the top of the dome.

I walked on through to the Shrine of Remembrance and then on through the Botanical Gardens. I was put off going into the Shrine as there was an armed guard at the entrance. The gardens were beautiful and I sat by the Ornamental Lake and watched the black swans glide by.

As it was heading into mid-afternoon, I decided to get myself back to the hostel and think about having some kind of food. The quickest route was along the riverbank and then through the centre of the city. I was faced with hundreds of runners when I got to the riverbank and was getting a good workout myself by jumping out of the way!

When I crossed the river to Federation Square (which is a big eyesore of a building ), there was a huge crowd which had taken over the entire street. From the distance I could see The Band in the Bubble which is an MTV venture here where Regurgitator (an Australian band) get locked into a bubble type room for 21 days and have to record an album by the time they come out. I immediately presumed there was something happening there as I had heard it quite a popular concept. However, I was wrong - I had stumbled across a parade for the Olympians from the Victoria area and they were autograph signing and meeting the public. As I was at the back of the crowd, I was hard pressed to get a good view. So, like a midget at a urinal, I kept on my toes and managed to get a photo of Michael Klim - the Australian swimming gold medallist - and a few others in the background.

As the parade ended and the crowd dissipated, I was able to get to the Band in the Bubble area which was pretty open planned and I'd hate to be working under those conditions as everyone is able to see into the booth. The only parts that were visible were the bedrooms and the bathroom - shame!

I got back to hostel via the supermarket and made myself some dinner - my eating habits aren't very exciting these days and, as I'm only making enough food for myself these days, it's generally unadventurous or whatever's on offer in the supermarket. I eventually manged to get hold of Nat (from the Bangkok to Singapore Trip) and she offered for me to stay with her over the next few days. I eagerly accepted as the dorm room in the hostel smelt ungodly - a bit like my feet after I've been standing in a cowpat for a year.

As the evening wore on, I managed to write some postcards and watched the crazy chinese backpackers playing ping-pong (not like in Bangkok though). I was pretty bored when I suddenly remembered that there was an Imax cinema by the Melbourne Museum. With my fake student I.D. in my hand I ran to get the 8pm showing of Ocean Wonderland 3-D.

Now, my recollection of a showing "in 3-D" was Jaws with those stupid green and red plastic glasses and I was a bit fearful of something similar. Thankfully, despite the large headset I had to wear, it was very good and at some points I actually thought fish were swimming inside my goggles!

Aussie Rules Football Rules!

2004-09-09T03:44:00.000+01:00

On sunday, it was Father's Day here in Australia. (I'm pretty sure it's a different day back in Britain. If not - sorry Dad!) It was also the first match of the finals in the AFL (Australian Football League or Aussie Rules Football to most people). I had wanted to see a match as it's just the sort of thing to experience Australia without being surrounded by (other) tourists.

Tracey had invited me round to her family's house for breakfast which was probably the most lavish breakfast I have ever had! We had pancakes, cereals, toast, all manners of fry-up stuff including black pudding, orange juice, champagne and many other treats. I was thinking that her dad must be very lucky as there was this much effort and celebration for Father's Day but then it occured to me that he was completely outnumbered by women in the household (4 to 1) and this was probably the only day in the year where he got a say in anything!

Tracey's Mum, Minnie, and her friend Glenda were taking me to see Port Adelaide v Geelong at the AAMI Stadium. They were obviously Port supporters and they were absolutely nuts with it. I knew that if I didn't cheer for the home team, I may not be coming home with all my bits and pieces.

Kick Off was at 2.15 ish (a nice round number) and Tracey dropped us off at the stadium but not before we stopped at the drive through Bottle shop for some pre-game pick me ups. When we got to the game, I managed to blag myself in for a concessionary rate (thanks for the Fake Student I.D. Steve - even though it's a year out of date, it still works!).

We managed to get in a good 4 pints before the start of the game and even though Minnie and Glenda were sitting in a different section to me, the 1st quarter was very entertaining and, in hindsight, my only chance of getting engrossed in the game. Its a really quick, aggressive game and it's good fun for me to watch the crowds as well as the game because of the differences to English Football. There are generally more women at AFL games/ there is less raging celebrations from the crowds as goals happen every few minutes/ opposition fans are allowed to sit wherever they like i.e. amongst the home fans! If that happened at home, there'd be ass-kickings everywhere!

Anyway, I met up with the ladies at the first break and as there were seats next to where I was sitting, they sat next to me for the next quarter (which was nice of them as they had better seats than I did!). Minnie and Glenda were a riot - always shouting and ripping the hell out the Geelong fans - Not at all how ladies act at home! The correct term for these ladies I believe is "Ocker As".

For the Half-time break we went outside the ground for a few pints and Minnie had her chance to shine - when the barman gave her a pint with an abnormally large head on it she said " I pray to god that a woman teach you to give head like that!" What a shocker! He didn't know what to say and neither did I. When we got our drinks, Glenda was smoking her hash pipe outside of the enclosure and, as we weren't allowed to take beer out of that area, Minnie then asked the security guard to tell Glenda that drinks were waiting. Of course, Glenda shat herself as she thought she was being arrested as the security guard tapped her on the shoulder. However, he was just as embarassed as she was!

We heard the hooter going for the 3rd quarter go and Minnie and Glenda wanted to stay for a few more drinks and so they ended up chatting to the security guard and embarassing Glenda some more and subsequently missed the 3rd quarter of the game.

By the time we got back to our seats the 4th quarter had started and we were all a little bit drunk by this point. Glenda was clammering over some children to cheer some more, Minnie was in full flow with someone in front of us and the guy that was sitting next to me was so drunk he was fast asleep ( however hewould wake up when the cheering began where he would clap a few times and go to sleep again!

The final score was Port Adelaide 117 - 62 Geelong and I'm glad that the home team won as I'd hate to see Minnie and Glenda in a bad mood! We got a lift back with one of their friends and got back to the house not long before Tracey and Benno arrived.

It was a really good day and I'm glad I experienced it first hand, and Minnie even gave me her Port Power scarf as a souvenir of the day which was really sweet of her.

Dog walking & Pig racing

2004-09-09T01:03:00.000+01:00

After meeting Benno at the station, he took me back to his house and ,yes indeedy, was given a beer straight away. I was immediately introduced to Ockey-Lou, his manic australian terrier, and more casually introduced to The Dude, his laid back cat. his We caught up with the goss and after a few more beers he called into work to have the rest of the day off.

We basically chilled out and watched some old Eddie Murphy stand up videos until Purdey (Ben's sister) and Lee (Her boyfriend) turned up.

That evening we went to the Esplanade (they call it the Espey though) and stayed for some beers and to meet their friends. As it was their local, I met nearly everyone in there and forgot their names as soon as I was introduced. The only one I did remember though was Tracey's because it's Benno's girlfriend and I'd be in a bit of trouble if I didn't remember it! I also say Scotty from Bali there but he was a little out of favour from Benno as he owes him money and still has one of his surfboards. This didn't surprise me.

Ben and Tracey were set to be busy with work for the duration of my stay so I had to show myself around the sights, so to speak. This basically meant I had a great chance to chill out and save a bit of money.

As they live in Port Noarlunga which is an hour out of Adelaide, I was a bit ostricised which was good in it's own way. The house is 120 steps from the beach as well which was perfect to take Ockey-Lou for a walk and stretch my legs. However, the first time I did this, I got lost on the way back and when I stopped someone to ask for directions, I realised that I didn't even know the street I was staying at! I found it eventually but I was gone for about 2 and a half hours! At least the dog got a good bit of exercise out of it.

I did have an opportunity to go to the shops and get some ingredients to cook for Ben and Tracey.So I decided to make them my speciality - specialgetti bolognaise which I haven't had a chance to make for about 4 months. Im glad to say that it went down a treat and they were begging for more (which was lucky as there was plenty leftover).

The next day, I went to the Royal Adelaide Show, which coincidentally was where Ben was working. It was the opening day so I tried to get there as soon as I could - right after watching a re-run of Mr. T the cartoon series - the Mr. T's Final thought was the best bit though "That's a tip to you from me, Mr. T. Grrrr!" - Class.

The show is similar to the county shows we have back home but with a definite Aussie slant on it - For a start, we dont have Alpaca and Emus in Britain. The most ingeneous bit though was the pig racing - it was so popular I only managed to get a short glimpse of it and the host must have thought he was JR Ewing as his cowboy hat was visible from over 500 metres away! (I'll try and suggest pig racing for the Cornwood show next year - all I have to do is invest in the hat as we already have the pigs at the farm.)

I met up with Benno when he finished work in the afternoon and we hit the Sail Bar which is by the horse stables and we watched the show-jumping and horse trials whilst getting a little bit inaebriated.

Purdey met up with us soon after as she was working at the show too to earn a bit of money on the side and she gave us a lift back to Port Noarlunga. On the way, we got a phonecall from Glen who I had also met in Bali with Ben and Purdey. We arranged to meet up with him later that night and that Roger would be there too.

After a quick stop in the Drive through Bottle Shop, we made our way to the pub (fashionably late of course). The place was a bit of a cattle market but it wasn't my choice! It was really good to see Glen and Roger - Glen had even cheered up a bit since his penny grabbing days on Bali and Roger was still smoking his indonesian cigarettes (with the cloves in them) but he didn't find himself a wife on his latest trip to Indonesia.

A Mental Breakdown

2004-09-08T05:43:00.000+01:00

My last night in Alice Springs was one of those peer pressure affairs (or beer pressure as it is commonly known in Australia). I spent the day chilling out and when I got back to the hostel I cracked open a box of wine (Fruity Lexia - the best a box can get) and had some random games of pissed badminton in the near dark.

Ian (the owner) soon got a bonfire started and everyone from the hostel was drawn to the flames and the prospect of smoky clothes. As the wine flowed (or dribbled) we all had a good laugh, remembered the good old days and told jokes - that sort of thing. To my surprise, it turns out that Brandon (being a bit of a thespian) worked in theatre with the woman that played Diana in V - The classic 80's sci-fi about rodent eating/ civilisation destroying aliens. Also, he seems to be the only person (apart from me) that remembers Get Smart. It was a classic! Maybe I spent too much time in front of the idiot box as a child - or maybe it was all my life.

As the fire was past it's blazing glory, (possibly because Nick Cave's 'Murder Ballads' Album was put on and I could see murderous thoughts in some peoples eyes - or was that the reflection of the fire - who knows) some people were eager to go out and were pressuring me to do the same. I was adamant on saving the pennies and staying by the fire and getting an early night, but who can say no to a girl wearing FMBs and a mini-skirt that goes right up to minge base? Not me, that's for sure! Another chink in my otherwise hairy armour.

I went out a 'few' drinks and went to Bo-Jangles and Melanka's - both shitholes but when you're drunk enough and you need to dance, I could have been in a post office with no music on at all for all I cared!

Thankfully, the next morning was not impaired by a hangover, but a long journey was ahead of me. I was scheduled on a trip to Adelaide (via Cooper Pedy) and should have taken about 20 hours.

The trip to Cooper Pedy was relatively un-eventful. Most people on the bus got off at Cooper Pedy but the prospect of sleeping in an underground hotel/motel (Holiday Inn?) did not appeal that much to me. Especially since I remember Carr telling me it was possibly the most boring time of his life when he was there. However, I wish I did stay for a night now.

As the bus was due to arrive in Adelaide at 6.30am the next day, I phoned Benno (who I met in Bali) and asked if he could pick me up from the station before he started work. When I got on the bus, I soon went to sleep as there was enough room for me to stretch out. Then..... it all went a bit pear shaped.

The bus broke down just outside Port Augusta. I woke up freezing my nipples off and promptly went outside to see what was going on. After eavesdropping on the two drivers, I soon realised that they hadn't filled up the fuel tank but thought they could get away with half atank to get them to Pt Augusta! What a cheek!

Despite being stranded in the middle of the desert in the middle of the night and there was talk of no 'rescue operation' until dawn, I decided not to get involved and just tried to go to sleep and it would soon be over. However, I hadn't accounted for two old biddies, and 4 croatian mafiosos on board keeping me awake.

The 2 old bids had an extreme case of the giggles and would wind up the drivers whenever they got near enough to hear them (they had spent most of the breakdown time hiding behind the bus). Comments like: "if this was a plane, you wouldn't have gambled on half a tank" and "I swear that bastard was sleeping behind the wheel!". The giggling was too much to bear though - I had to bang my head repaetedly against the window to knock myself out.

I woke up not long after, because the aforementioned croatians had decided to build a fire to keep warm by the side of the bus! I thought I was dreaming or seeing things as I had no idea where the hell they got the wood from! Maybe they used the old biddies - I didn't hear much from them anymore?!

Eventually, the cavalry arrived at about 6am and we were soon whisked off to Adelaide after spending an unofficial 4 hour 'No Fuel' break in the desert. The cheeky bloody drivers didn't even apologise though when we got back on the road.

I arrived in Adelaide at 10am and to my surprise, Benno had taken the time off to pick me up (after arriving at 6am and told the bus had broken down). I already knew that beer was the only thing on the menu in Ben's house, but after that night, I was crying out for a brew.

Back in Alice

2004-08-30T07:35:00.000+01:00

The hostel that I'm staying at in Alice Springs is one of the nicest I've been in for a while. It's run by Ian and Julia and they've created an extremely chilled atmosphere and I've opted to stay on an extra day just to chill out.

One person who is resident there though stands out from many of the other people I have met recently. Brandon lives in a caravan at the back of the hostel and is an amazingly carefree and funny bloke.

When I first met him before going on the Uluru trip, he introduced me to a program called Kath & Kim which is a comedy program based in Victoria and is reminiscent of French & Saunders and it's so close to the bone as to how some suburbanites are in Australia. I've been told it's in Britain at the moment so if you get a chance to see it, do it. I was close to wetting myself on many occassions - but that's more of a bladder control problem though.

Anyway, upon returning to the hostel, I sat and chatted to Brandon about a multitude of topics: Politics, Literature, Films, Religion, Sex and many more. Then, I mentioned something about Puppetry of the Penis and how it's popular in the UK. I was surprised to learn that he is good friends with one of the guys that "invented" it and he even gave them a few of their acts! It was such a funny night and after trying out some of the old classics: The Hamburger, The Eiffel Tower, The Sea Urchin, The Swollen Thumb - we have vowed to invent a few more before I leave and they may even get back to the Puppetry masters. That'd be something to tell the grandkids , eh?

I'm currently sorting out some more photos to send out and I'll be chilling out with a few glasses of Melbourne Island Yellow (which is particularly heavy and should only be used for hand-to-hand combat) tonight and preparing myself for another overnight bus trip.

So, on to Adelaide to meet Benno and Purdey (who I met in Bali) - I suspect I'll be a little bit drunk for a while.

Shoo, Fly - Don't Bother Me!

2004-08-30T05:31:00.000+01:00

Day 1

I was up early to make my way to Uluru (Ayres Rock) and to begin a journey through some pretty harsh desert. The bus driver that was taking me all the way through was called Buster. He was a funny guy but as with all Greyhound drivers, he was forced to wear his socks up to his knees! When I questioned him about this fashion faux-pas, he said that it was pretty much forced by Da Management and he had been told onmany occasions to pull his socks up! Oh, how I laughed. To make him feel better though, I wore my socks in similar fashion whenever I could to make him not feel like an outcast. I think he appreciated it.

I was prepared for a few long journeys inbetween the fabulous sights yet to be seen, so I had two books to read on the coach. Thankfully, there were only about 10 people on the coach so I had plenty of room to myself.

The other travellers on board were mainly European and one was like a German Ben Affleck - no sign of a dutch J-Lo though. (Damn!)

The first stop was at a camel farm which was only a quick stop. The thing that got to me first was the flies - they were bloody everywhere! I hate to think what it would be like in the summer months.

On the way to the next stop, we passed Mt Conner which everyone always think is Ayres Rock because it's blooming huge. However, it's in a horseshoe shape which sort of gives it away.

By the afternoon, we had arrived at Yulara, which is the Uluru Resort town specifically built for the Rock. The hostel was nice enough but I soon realised that everything was going to be very expensive here as it was extremely remote.

We took off to the Cultural centre at Uluru and that was when I first saw the monolith. Suffice to say, it's impressively huge. In the cultural centre, it was nice to see the beliefs of the Aboriginals and it convinced me not to climb Uluru in respect of their traditions. However, it has made me think that htey are all nuts! Some of the Aboriginal stories connected to Uluru are so far fetched!

We didn't visit the base of the Rock straight away as we went to The Olgas before sunset instead. The Olgas are a range of rocks that are equally amazing and I hiked my way through "The Valley of the Winds" which isn't a film about dinosaurs with Raquel Welch.

We made our way back to Uluru for Sunset and I got a few amazing photos but the overall spectacle was marred by the prescence of hundreds of Grey Nomads (Old folks) sipping chardonnay and ooh-ing and aah-ing.

I elected to get a good long sleep as it was to be another early start to see the sunrise.

Day 2

When I awoke at 5am the next morning, I suddenly thought, what the hell am I doing!? Getting up when the stars are still out to see a bloddy rock! But, it was still good to be up and I had a long day of walking ahead of me.

Sadly the sunrise was obscured by some cloud so it wasn't as spectacular as it should have been. However, I feel that I experienced it like no-one else there as I was listening to the sultry tones of Sir Rolf Harris singing Sun Arise. Classic!

We ventured onto the base and some chose to climb the rock - damn them! I chose to hike the perimeter which is about 10 kilometres (I've been told). I feel I got to see much more though and it is creepy as to the different shapes and images seen in the walls of Uluru. One looked like a human skull with a brain, and another like a huge pair of lips! Where is Mick Jagger these days?

After the walk, we travelled to King's Canyon and, as Buster was making good time, he suggested we do the walk in the afternoon when there are a lot less people there. Sounds great! Also, on the way, Buster did an emergency stop, which woke up most people dozing on the coach, and starting reversing. He soon showed us why and he ran out of the coach and was chasing something across the road. It turns out he saw a Thorny Devil, which is a spiky lizard and it was quite an amazing creature. Not sure if it was worth the whiplash though!

Kings Canyon was another impressive sight - a huge canyon with beehive like domes all around, Cotterill's Lookout which had sheer drops and amazing coloured cliffs and a Garden of Eden deep in the crevisse of the creek. It had a few steep climbs as I meandered along the track, getting lost a few times, as I didn't always spot the arrows marking the path.

I enjoyed walking Kings Canyon much more than Uluru mainly because of the lack of people. Nature is sometimes best appreciated when you're all alone (and you don't hear the velcro from peoples camera cases all the time!).

By the time I was near the end of the Upper rim walk, I opted for a bit of light music. The Rocky Story was my choice and I found myself running the last few kilometres and jumping up on the peaks with my hands raised in the air. If anyone saw me, they could have mistaken me for a bit of a loony, so I changed it to the Indiana Jones theme instead and just grinned while I got my breath back.

The hostel I was staying in at Kings Canyon Resort was limited for entertainment and as I had the entire dorm to myself and 6 beds to chose from, I had a one-man-party and watched the olympics in the nude. Luxury!

Day 3

As we did the longer walk at Kings Canyon the day before, I had a lie in AND..........a shower! To my shock though, it had bucketed it down in the night! I'm in the bleeding desert and it's raining?!

We went back to Kings Canyon to do the creek walk which only took an hour but was rife with more grey nomads and the weather was pleasant enough. However, the walk before was much more gratifying.

The Only Thing left to do was to make the long journey home. By the time we arrived back in Alice Springs, it was raining, I had finished both of my books and my socks smelt like a dead body dredged from a river. I'm glad I did the trip but I just wish my feet didn't smell so bad.

Alice? Where the F$%k is Alice!?

2004-08-26T06:25:00.000+01:00

The journey comprised of over 30 hours of travelling across seemingly endless shrub land. Despite Jenson/ Nick's harsh premonition (a journey in which he predicted I would be seated next to a fat american, with the air conditioning broken and the video on-board being stuck on Stuart Little 2 on a continuous loop) I was surprisingly comfortable.

My first stop was Townsville at 5.45am and then onto Charter Towers by 10am. When we stopped later for a lunch break at around 2pm, there were locusts bombarding the bus! There were 2 fat women seated nearby (I presume mother and daughter but they could have been male for all I know!) who were starting to overflow into other bays, much to the discomfort of some passengers but I used my stinky feet as a barrier to dissuade them coming anywhere near me!

The landscape was rugged yet breathtaking. I'm surprised the bus driver didn't get tunnel vision as it was quite monotonous for a while - I thought it could have been a rolling screen at each side of the bus at one point!

When we got to Mt. Isa at 8pm I was shocked to see that the aboriginal fellow seated behind me was met from the bus by 2 policemen and they took him away! What the hell was that all about? I popped over the road to get some more provisions for the journey (i.e. Ritz crackers and Powerade) and I got talking to the woman behind the counter. I informed her about my pie frenzy and she told me about a pie shop she knows in Airlie Beach. "Would that be Clancy's Pies, by any chance?" I asked expecting the answer yes. "Yes" she said. Just goes to show that good pies are few and far between.

By the time Arrived in Alice Springs this morning at 10am I was surprisingly energetic and, after finding a great little hostel called Hideaways (I think), I have walked all over Alice Springs and I am happy to be in a very differnt place to every other destination I have been. It's very much inland! I can't see, hear or even smell the sea unless I go to the fish counter in Coles supermarket.

I've sorted out my trip to Uluru, the Olgas and Kings Canyon which should take up my next 3 days and then it'll be on to Adelaide to meet up with the crazy Aussies from Bali. I'd better get my drinking head back on for that one!

After my long journey across the desert and thinking about the people I've met over the last 3 or so months, I've decided that it isn't such a small world after all. Everyone just goes to the same bloody places!

Port Douglas & the Woolshed

2004-08-26T05:46:00.000+01:00

The evening after the dive, Kim & I bought a box of wine (called Fruity Lexia) and proceeded to drink as much of it as we could before meeting up with Nick and Jen, in order to keep our budgets in tact.

What a foolish plan! I spent so much because I was hammered! We met up with them in a bar on the Esplanade called Rattle and Hum and we were a lot worse off than they were. They tried to catch up but they didn't have all night.

As Kim & I hadn't eaten yet, we got a craving for a Clancy but we had no chance of finding a good pie that far north. Instead we went to the famous Woolshed. Famous for being a shithole! It was a bit scummy and Nick and I watched the Newcastle v Spurs game live in which Spurs won! Carr must have sold his soul to the Devil.........again. Jen and Kim were being hassled on the dancefloor as they had lady bumps while I was marveling at how nick looked like Jenson Button - flash bastard!

The next day was spent hungover and then chilling out at the large lagoon area by the Esplanade. It is very nice there but the public BBQ's scattered around were beginning to make me feel quite malnourished. There were also people do a break-dance like martial art like on the BBC advert or like Eddy on Tekken! It was good to watch but I was busy perving on the topless women!

As the skydive was postponed for a later date, Kim and I opted to hire a car to drive ourselves up to Port Douglas, Daintree and anything else that looked good. Kim drove most of the way which was nice for me as I normally take over after 5 minutes and become a chauvinist passenger seat driver (which doesn't mean that I wasn't one!).

The coastline up to Cape Tribulation is beautiful and very scenic. Also, as it's far north in Australia it is alot more tropical and green. The first stop was Port Douglas which is a beautiful retirement home type town - much nicer than Bournemouth or Bognor Regis! We walked up to the lookout at the top of the hill and then we noticed that we could have driven up there! All that hiking for nothing!

I drove the next leg of the tour up to Daintree which is supposed to be a Rainforest retreat. Actually there was only a muddy river and I'm glad I didn't opt to come up here on my own steam. I'd be bored stupid! We did stop to see if the river was crocodile infested but Steve Irwin has obviously already been here and herded them up.

On the way back down the coast we stopped off at Mossman Gorge which Kim aptly stated was "gorge-ous!". Fantastic pun. It was very nice there and had more of a tropical view. We stopped off by the river and walked up the track and -Brace yourself, Robbie - we found a swing-rope bridge. Just like in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I got a good posing shot on the bridge and it was much like my old adventuring days in Asia.

We stopped off for a bit of a sunbake on the way back to Cairns on Ellis Beach and we were attacked by killer ants who didn't much want us to be there. They eventually herded us off into the car, singing "NA na. Na na na na ....wave goodbye!". Not at all like the ants back home!

That evening was our last in Cairns so we popped out for something to eat instead of the usual peanut butter and jam sandwiches. As Rattle and Hum had been recommended for it's pizza's we returned and the ordering system was madness - we were given a pager which buzzed when our food was ready! What's all that about?! What ever happened to waiters and waitresses?

The next day, we had to wait a long time for our respective transport out of Cairns. We stashed our bags in the Hostel's reception and made our way to the lagoon. I was shocked with what I saw - A man, who resembled Mr. Muscle from the TV adverts, was wearing a lime green thong and doing stretches and exercises (such as swinging from a tree?!). Most people who saw this had to look twice in disbelief! Thankfully I have the photo evidence and after watching him (intensely) build up a lacklustre sweat for 2 or so hours, I promptly reported him to the police for gross indecency.

We went to get some Fish N' Chips and a cuppa before walking up the harbour to watch the pelicans and other freaky birds that had gathered for the turn of the tide.

Kim subsequently had to get her taxi at 6pm to the Airport, as her next destination was Brisbane and then Surfer's Paradise. I want to thank Kim for coming up with me as I had a great time and it's always good to have good company and someone else watching your back.

I, on the other hand had to wait until 1am to get the Bus to Alice Springs via Townsville and Tennents Creek. It was sure to be a long journey and besides..............this was bat country!

I'm looking for Nemo!

2004-08-26T04:56:00.000+01:00

Not much R&R was available on the bus up to Cairns as it kept stopping and it was pretty much a full bus so no stretching out was possible. As it arrived at 6am, there was not much else to do but catch up on some sleep at the hostel.

When I woke up in the afternoon, Kim and I had a stroll round the town which is very pleasant with lots of open spaces. After a nice cup of tea , I had to decide on a few things which would shape up my plans for the next month or so.

I had the full intention of getting to New Zealand for my birthday on the 2nd of October as Gareth Cox (or Gee as his hip dude young friends call him) was supposed to be working there. As Gee is one of my best friends and a volleyball guru of sorts, I was anxious to know where he was going to be at that time. Then, disaster struck! - I found out that he has already returned to Blighty as Michelle (his beautiful missus) wasn't able to come to see him anytime soon. So, he packed up and followed his heart. Awwwww, Bless!

This put me in a bit of a pickle as my birthday would most likely be spent amongst strangers and potentially be quite forgettable. The Solution? I had planned to do a skydive in Cairns as it is as good a place as any to do it, but, I have decided to get to NZ and do a skydive..........ON my birthday! Should be a good crack and, if I die, I'll be able save lots of money on my gravestone (i.e. born and died on 2nd Oct)!

So, with that quandary out of the way, I had to decide what my plan was for Cairns. As I have already done 8 dives in Asia, I would be a fool not to scuba dive the Great Barrier Reef! Also, as Kim had done a Discovery dive previously, she was eager to have another go at diving.

The Next day, we boarded the Noahs Ark Too (Shite name, I know) and we chugged our way out to two dive sites called Breaking Patches and Michaelmas Cay. It was a slow journey but there were plenty of people on board with different diving experince (a few certified divers, a lot of Intro divers and a few snorkellers). Two such people were a couple from UK called Nick and Jen. I only really got chatting to them on the way back but they were nice enough to offer us out for a drink later that evening.

When we arrived at the first dive site, we all got kitted up and I was buddied up with a guy called Adam from Grimsby. As it was an extra cost to have a dive master go with you, we decided to go.........unsepervised! I was quite excited by this as I have always had someone show me where to go.

Thankfully there was no current to speak of and it was fun trying to gain our position underwater and we both obviously got a bit lost at one point. The Breaking Patches dive was a good site though with plenty of friendly turtles and it had a sheer coral wall where I was even able to see an octopus and a vicious looking, sleek fish which was called either a Traveli or a Spanish Mackerel, or something.

On the way to the Michaelmas Cay dive, we were treated to a "Lavish" buffet lunch - the Australians have a bad habit of exaggerating things like the quality of meals and how (apparently) cheap things are!

Michaelmas Cay is a sandbar built up on a bit of the outer reef and is home to thousands of seabirds. The second dive was a little less impressive than the first as there were only outcrops of reef scattered on the ocean floor where all the fish were "hanging out".

The greatest parts were that a huge Maori Wrasse became interested in us and was fun to swim with. It looked like a boxer after being beaten badly in a 10 round bout - swollen lips, puffy face and so on. However, Jack and Jazz can rest easy..................I FOUND NEMO! Well, there were clownfish and I had to deform one of their fins to look lime Nemo, but you get the idea.

On the journey back to Cairns, we also noticed a huge cloud of smoke over the town. It turns out there must have been a controlled bush fire. It didn't seem that controlled though as it was still burning when I left Cairns 4 days later!

" Fancy A Clancy, Mate?"

2004-08-24T10:27:00.000+01:00

Well yes! I most certainly do! Clancy's Pie shop in Airlie has proven to be the Mecca of any pie eating human and it even converts non pie-eaters (such as myself) to a new faith. After my ranting about the Lemon Cheesecake in Malaysia, I have found something to replace it's cravings and Ginster's will never come close to the perfection in Clancy's Crust (Sorry PAFC and Dad!).

With my hangover still taking effect, I went on my tour of the Whitsunday Islands on the Ocean Raft. It wasn't too much of an early start so I wasn't too bad and the sea air sorted me right out anyway.

The Ocean Raft was really fast and I loved it despite the sarcy Aussies running the show who actually proved to be a bit of fun. The first stop was at some Aboriginal caves at Nara Inlet on Hook Island. The water was perfectly blue and caves were very aboriginal.

After the brief stop we went to do some snorkelling and I was (Quelle surprise?) the first one in the water to get up close and personal to those little fishies. Nothing new for me though as Scuba Diving shows me much more.

Our supposed last stop was on Whitehaven Beach which some call the most beautiful beach in Oz. Well, it wasn't bad I suppose.............who am I kidding! It was lush! The sand is 90% silica which means it's great for polishing up jewellry and exfoliating the skin. Therefore, I was rolling around like a rabid dog and aside from being exfoliated, I was also very sandy!

It was nice to chill out on the beach for a while and I'm glad I brought my own lunch because everyone getting off the boat to get their "Lavish" inclusive meal, they were all attacked by the gulls! Lucky for me they don't like peanut butter and jam sandwiches!

After kicking the anchor, and seeing a huge Goanna (lizard), we left the beach to return back to Airlie. However, luckily the crew spotted some humpback whales and we went over to have a look. There was a cow and a baby whale and the young-un seemed to be abit of a show-off - It was breaching out of the water and at one point was completely out of the water! Sadly, I got no photos because it would have been dissapointing and I probably would have only got a back splash or something.

I enjoyed the trip and the next day I basically chilled out by the man-made lagoon until my night bus up to Cairns arrived. As a bonus, Kim chose to go to Cairns with me as she missed it on the way down and it was nice to have some decent company on my travels again.

Hairy in Airlie

2004-08-24T09:29:00.000+01:00

Airlie Beach is a very beautiful place and, of course, the sun is always shining! I was amazed at the colourful wildlife that is everywhere around you in the tropics of Australia - When I was getting off the bus, there were cockatoos in the trees above me. Now I've see a cock or two in my time...............No! No! No! I'll stop there - that joke's just too easy!!

Upon arriving in Airlie Beach, I had to decide what the plan was. I wanted to see the Whitsunday Islands but I didn't want to spend 3 nights on a sail boat with a bunch of pissheads. Thankfully, there was an option to rush through the sights and do it all in one day on an Ocean Raft, so I booked my place on the trip, but not before staying in Airlie for a few nights.

I was fortunate enough to re-unite with Kim, Iona and Jo from the Bangkok to Singapore Trip that I did a few months previously. It was really good to see some familiar faces after the last few weeks of "Dorming it" and the girls have blossomed into fine drinking machines since I last saw them in South-East Asia!

Iona and Jo are on their way down South to find a job and they have also acquired a sturdy steed to ride on - It's called Rusty and it's a station wagon with attitude. Kim met up with them in Townsville and has been travelling with the girls recently to delay the inevitable visit to the family she has in Surfer's Paradise (further south).

I was asked by them to write a retraction from my "First Impressions" update, all those months ago and put the record straight (so to speak). Well, here goes: There are not quiet unasuming young scotettes but a damn good laugh and blooming nuts as soon as alcohol passes their lips! It's easy to have a laugh with this lot as the following days proved.

The dorm I was staying in was actually the nicest I've been in and it was full of girls - It's a hard life you know! It has a fridge, a powerful shower and a TV - the TV has brought me the most joy though as Neighbours (which I haven't seen for a long time now) has some great story lines coming up. Watch out in a few months for Harold's lingerie fetish!

Airlie Beach is an easy place to get pissed. So I did. I went out with the girls to a few bars and Myself and Kim took on Iona and Jo at Table Football. Little did I know that Iona and Jo are hustlers and Iona has one in her house back in Scotland! Needless to say, we got whupped. We proceeded to go on to drink plenty more and Iona was chatting up (I think!?) Rolf Harris' Nephew! Boy was I excited! Actually.........I wasn't because I didn't even know who his Uncle was until I'd left Airlie Beach but it's still a moment I cherish.

We moved onto some stranger drinks called Teapots where a concoction is served to you in a Teapot (strangely enough!) and they knocked me backwards a little bit.

My last port of call was a club called Mama Africas. The nightclub has a dancefloor with Zebra stripes all over it. To make things a little bit more difficult, I declared that it was the club policy that you weren't allowed to step on the white lines when dancing or you'd be thrown out. Sad but fun I know and it did cause some quite sporadic dance moves, I can tell you!

Since showing the girls "The Egg" (dance move) in Asia they have seemingly concocted a hybrid dance (which involves a catwalk style instead of the usual ass-shaking) which, after some discussion, has been called "The Scotch Egg". I think the girls approve of the name as it definitely has a different flavour to it.

4x4 on Fraser Island

2004-08-19T06:38:00.000+01:00

It was an early wake up call to start the trip and check the equipment - 5am should never be seen when you haven't got a job.

After loading up the 4x4, we had another information video to watch that warned us about Dingoes and to never drive through salt water as it wrecks the engine and therefore we would lose our bond. Actually, striking the fear into us is more of an accurate expression!

The people on my group were a mixed bag - 3 Scousettes, a german couple, 3 danish girls and me. Thankfully, being the control freak I am, they were all shit scared to do the driving so I took the helm of the beastly machine. It was really cool driving it though as I had the most cushioned seat through all those bumpy roads!

Fraser Island is the largest sand island in the world and one of Steve Irwin's favourite places on earth. I was expecting much wildlife and lots of sand in my mouth.

On our first day, we went straight to Lake McKenzie. It's a beautiful place and it's just like a postcard everywhere you look! As the water in the lake was fresh water, it was bloody freezin'! However, it's nice to swim and drink at the same time!

After another Bumpy trek, we arrived at 75-Mile Beach which is classed as a national highway, even though there are planes that land on it and it's bumpy as hell! The driving was taken over by the Scousettes on the beach and they were so frightened to drive through any water as it could be salt water! To prove that the washouts coming down the beach were fresh water, I would get out and taste the water and then we'd go through it. It proved to be a nervous journey.

We drove halfway up 75 Mile Beach and set up camp on the beach next to the Maheno Shipwreck. I don't know what it is that fascinates me about shipwrecks but I thought it was very picturesque there and a damn good camping spot.

On the way back we met an Aussie who was on a fishing weekend with his mates. Kev (that was his name) was quite anice guy but his mates were bloody 'orrible! Thankfully our camp was more than a drunk Aussie could stagger to late at night so we were able to have our BBQ in relative peace.

My pyromania took over when darkness fell and I soon started to burn anything I could find. The BBQ took a while and I was in charge of it which meant my clothes will stink of smoke for the remainder of the trip!

Because of the German couple, I opted to sleep in the 4x4 which was surprisingly uncomfortable and I still have sand in every crevice on/in my body!

I was up for the sunrise the next morning and It was like someone switching a light on - it was so sudden!

After breakfast, we headed up the beach to Indian Head which is a lookout where you can look back down 75 mile beach and look out for the wildlife in the water. I was able to see tiger sharks, turtles, manta rays, dolphins and even humpback whales, which sounds impressive but I had to keep my eyes peeled. I didn't even try to take photos either as I don't want to be one of those people who, upon showing their photos to their friends, say "look can you see that black dot? That's a shark that is!". I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a very sandy finger.

Our next excursion was to the Champagne Pools which we were told were inaccessible by our vehicles as we were likely to get them stuck. So, we proceeded on foot. It was a hell of a walk along the beach and I was very sunburnt and windburnt by the end of it. If only it was worth the walk! The pools are supposed to bubble like champagne, hence the name, however, the only way these pools were going to bubble is if I was to fart in them. There were a lot of crabs there though but that's not much of a consolation.

When we got back to the 4x4 we had some sandwiches (with REAL sand in them!) and made our way back down the "highway". Our only concern was that we were out of firewood and that would put a dampener on the old social aspect of the evening to come as we wouldn't be able to see a bleeding thing!

We made our way past Ely Creek (which had quite deep water to go through and the girls continued to shit themselves about the bond!), and we stopped next to another 4x4 in which we thought we knew the occupants. It turns out....... we didn't! But, they had loads of firewood so we set up camp with them and drank the night away.

My I-Pod saved the party from collapsing as the other people were running out of their A material. Also, over the two nights on Fraser Island, I managed to drink a box of red wine (4 litres) and numerous beers which resulted in one hell of a hangover on my last day! Whenever I wasn't driving, I was sleeping!

We managed to get back on the boat on time for the next day but not after deliberately going off road to avoid the bus coming straight for us!

I'm sorry Curly, but I was unable to do the same shameful acts on the ferry back as you did as my hangover had other plans for my body (i.e shutdown)

When I got back to the hostel, I was in desperate need of a shower and some food which I promptly got.

I was booked on the night bus to Airlie Beach which takes 13 hours so I grabbed a beer with the motley crew from my Fraser Trip and then went. The Scousettes even sang to us as we left which was pretty funny as they were f'n terrible singers!

On the coach I was asleep in no time at all, thanks to the coach driver putting Matrix Revolutions on. I recommend it to all those insomniacs out there - It's better than a hammer to the head!

Koala Kidnap

2004-08-12T10:58:00.000+01:00

I left Brisbane with a bit of a hangover. My next destination was Noosa which is only 2 hours away. When I arrived, I was glad to see that it was all quite close together and easily walkable.

There are a lot of activities to do in Noosa, including (apparently) the cheapest place to do skydiving. Instead, I decided to take in the National Park via the beach.

It is very beutiful in Noosa and the park boasted a lot of wildlife but I didn't see that much of it though. You see, the problem with trees is that they're brown. And, you see, the problem with koalas is that they're also brown. I did see a goana (big lizard) in the bushes and wild turkeys and cookaburras.

The coastal walk that I chose was very nice and when I reached the end of the trail, (named Hell's Gate) It was so nice to feel a strong wind in my face, mainly because I haven't been to hardly any places that have been that windy for as long as I remember. It reminded me of being back in Cornwall.

I only spent one night in Noosa though as my Fraser Island adventure was waiting for me at Hervey Island which is where I am at this precise moment.

I have had my briefing for the trip and I'm a little bit apprehensive but I'll be driving a 4x4 and I'm one of the few people with a driving licence so I'm sure I'll be doing a lot of the driving!

I'll update in a few days. I just hope that a dingo doesn't steal my baby!

Bris-Bane of my Life

2004-08-12T10:30:00.000+01:00

So, I arrived in Brisbane at 6.30 am and, after absolutely no sleep, I wasn't sure what to do with myself.

I got to a hostel called Bunk (which it was a little) which was in the heart of Brisbane's Chinatown and gay community so I felt a bit more comfortable as it was just like being in a gay asia.

I went up to the dorm room I was allocated and turned around as soon as I entered - it stank THAT bad! I opted instead to have a coffee and a bit of breakfast and to muster the courage to face the smell again. I may regret living in luxury (sort of) for the last month or so as I'm not looking forward to sharing dorms with pissheads for the next few months!

After dropping my bag off in the cesspit, I ventured into the city to see what Brisbane had to offer. The answer? Not a lot really! In Bali, the locals would put flowers and other offerings on their doorsteps to please their Gods. Well, in Australia, they do the same sort of thing but with broken bottles. Their gods must be called VB, XXXX and Carlton Draught.

Proceeding into town I noticed that the river is quite a nice area and the walks on the riverside and onto the botanical gardens were very pleasant for a sunday morning stroll. There was also a market at Eagle Pier which was nice to look around and not be hassled like in Bali.

I gabbed a quick snack on the way back to the hostel and ,thankfully, the residents of my room had vacated and the room was aired so I decided to put head down for a few Zzzz's and get some rest.

............19 hours later I woke up not knowing where the hell I was - I MUST have been tired!

I worked it out and my travelling arrangements for the next 2 months should cost around 500 quid but that doesn't include accomodation or food. I can imagine that this might be a bit more expensive than I originally thought but I may skip a few meals to make ends meet. There's weight to drop off me yet!

My last night in Brisbane was in the bar below the hostel and I met a couple from Falmouth of all places! Scott and Lucy were a couple of misbehavers but it was nice to talk about Plymouth and the South West and hear a good proper-job cornish accent!

There isn't really a lot to do in Brisbane so I have decided to make my way up to Cairns and stop off on a few places along the way.

Bye Bye Bali

2004-08-11T10:33:00.000+01:00

My arrival back in Kuta was all a little bit sad really. I was still a little bit crook from the Bali Belly and I was sad to be leaving Indonesia as there is so much more that I wanted to see.

But most of all, I was sad to be leaving Lisa as she has become one of my best friends and she is one of the few people in this world that I trust implicitly and would do anything for her.

On another sad note, Lisa has had to go back to finish her para-gliding course and get her pilot's licence, but we heard on the day we arrived back from Lembongan that someone had had a very bad accident and has broken bones and internal injuries at the glide site where we went for the last 2 weeks! The person injured was an idiot but it puts the sport into dangerous perspective. I just wish Lisa all the luck in the world to finish the course safely so that she can go back to injuring herself at ground level.

On Saturday afternoon, I flew back to Singapore and watched Shrek 2 - Jack and Jazz would approve so - Rach - take em to the cinema now! In Singapore Airport I sorted out sending another package back home stacked with Christmas presents - Who'd have thought that I'd have done all my Christmas shopping by August!

I sat down in the bar with a couple from New Zealand (John and Pam) and we watched the Tri-nations game between Austarlia and New Zealand and discussed how bitter the Australians are about being beaten by the English last year - The Kiwis always laugh at the Aussies and say that at least they weren't beaten by the English!

I saw a funny thing when going to catch my plane to Brisbane - A little girl was trying to give some sweets to her mother in the newsagents but they turned out to be flavoured condoms! Her mother was quite shocked and it probably didn't help her embarrassment with me giggling behind her!

I couldn't sleep on the plane to Brisbane so I just did the usual and watched as many films as I could muster.

Am I prepared for Australia? Will I like it? Will I have my appetite back? Well, you'll just have to wait and see wont you.

Bali Belly II - The Revenge

2004-08-10T07:55:00.000+01:00

We were up early to get the ferry back to Nusa Lembongan as it leaves at 8am. However, Lisa had a little problem with the ATM in the Circle K as the power went off and ate her card!

She was not pleased obviously and threatened the manager with her wrath (which is trouser-fillingly intimidating). Thankfully, Made, the guy who we hired the jeep from, had already offered to give us a lift to the ferry and he also took it upon himself to sort out Lisa's Debit Crad by the time we got back as well. He really is one the nicest guys I've met!

We still managed to catch the ferry in time. On the journey we met two Dutch brothers from Curacao (Dan and Klass-Jan) and another dutch guy called Itai (who was a bit freaky to tell the truth - always beware a man with uncontrollable eyebrows!).

When we arrived at Lembongan, the tide was very high so it was a bit tricky to get off the boat without getting soaked! One french woman was crying until her husband came and carried her to the beach which which made me thankful that Lisa isn't a pain in the arse like that!

We opted to spend the day drinking ourselves into a bit of a stupour and we were successful in our mission. Lisa was worst off because she felt she had something to prove, as she was the only woman in the group. The locals called her Mrs Bintang for the rest of our stay.

We stayed at Lembongan Bungalows where Danny welcomed us and gave us a bungalow which a great view over the beach(I went to his 50th Birthday party when I was here before). We also met up with Glen again as he was staying there but he left the next day.

The next day was spent nursing hangovers and eating really well. We went to the Sukanusa restaurant and we booked a dive for the 4 of us (Me, Lisa, Dan and KJ) at 20 pound each for 2 dives! However, as the dutch brothers had a fishing expedition the next day, we postponed it until the day after.

Another lazy day followed but with a difference - I was slowly being poisoned by the locals! I had nothing but bad food all day and my stomach was churning through most of the day.

Just before sunset, we all decided to go out to the shipwreck as it was low tide and easily reached in a pair of flip flops (the water was only knee high at most). We all had a really good time as there was lots of wildlife seen on the journey and the locals were still farming the seaweed until darkness fell.

The shipwreck was impressive to see and we got there as the sun was just setting so there were some spectacular photos. The walk back in the dark was a little bit treacherous though. You see - the things with night-time is that it's black. And the thing with spiky sea urchins is that they're also black. Thankfully, no-one stepped on them.

The following day was not a good day in the kingdom of my bowels. We had a dive planned and I was suffering from another bout of the dreaded Bali Belly! While everyone was getting kitted up for the dive, I had my head in my hands trying desperately hard not to shit myself.

The trouble is that I'm a stubborn bastard as I have Potter blood in my veins so I was adamant that I was going to do the dive. I shouldn't have because I was a liability and a miserable sod as well!

On the boat on the way out I was feeling worse so I had what some professionals would call, A Tactical Chunder. I was sick over the side of the boat and I felt a hell of a lot better after that and I even had the energy to do the dives.

The dives were spectacular and I saw many new creatures including a stingray, trumpet-fish, another turtle and a whitetip reef shark! I was very lucky as the others didn't see it. The only trouble was that I did shit myself underwater which was quite uncomfortable and I was a shit underwater "buddy" to Lisa and I am still feeling the shame for my lack of scruples under the water that day.

I was basically a shell of my former self for the following few days as I had (gasp!) lost my appetite and was generally miserable as is usually the case when a man is ill.

I drank a lot of green tea. I watched Fahrenheit 9/11 (which was truly shocking and brilliantly made) and read my book as there wasn't much else for me do that wouldn't make me cry like a schoolgirl.

My next update will be my departure from Indonesia and my arrival in Brisbane. But I promise that it will be in the next couple of days and not weeks!

Oh Banny Boy!

2004-08-10T07:14:00.000+01:00

Poor Banny! I bumped into him a few days after our first encounter and he has broken his foot and slashed it open when he was surfing. I feel for you my friend, I really do - I've been there man - I feel your pain! Sadly, this means that Banny is on his way back to Britain. In fact, he may already be there. Hope it heals my friend and I'll see you at Christmas, if you don't vacate the country again sometime soon.

Lisa has taken a break from paragliding for a week, so that we can do some diving and so that she can heal from all of her wounds - The "Bali Kiss" (when you burn yourself on a motorbike exhaust) that she received on her first day has just about healed for her to go back in the water anyway.

We both intended to go to Flores and day-trip over to Komodo and Rinca to see the Komodo Dragons but sadly, there were complications -

There is only one flight a day to Flores and they were booked up until the day before I leave for Oz. So we went to try and extend our visas so I could stay longer in Indonesia but my original visa was "non-extendable" so we were advised to leave the country and come back if we wanted to stay longer! However, the security gueard at the airport said he could sort something out for us, but I'm not willing to do any dodgy if it relates to my passport or my money.

So we eventually ditched the idea and we've been told by Lisa's brother that they break the legs of the Komodo Dragons so that the tourists can see them which is frankly not nice!

Instead we drove up to Ubud and then on to Lake Batur and The Volcanoes. It was really nice to be driving outside of Kuta and some of the views were spectacular on the way.

The sad things we saw: The poverty of the villages and how desperate they were for our money/ a dead dog that had been run over but it's tail was still wagging.

The nice things we saw: The "Pur Nama" festival (which means full moon) where the villagers all wore their best and most colourful silk clothes and brought offerings to the temple (of course, I beeped my horn and told them to get the hell out of the way)/ and the views of Lake Batur, Agung and Batur (the volcanoes) and just taking in the sunset.

We got back to Kuta latein the evening and we decided to get an early night as we were going back to Nusa Lembongan the next day. Hopefully to do some diving and to relax on the beach.

Happy Birthdays

2004-08-10T07:07:00.000+01:00

Belated Birthday wishes to my brother and to my father who are both a little older and (I hope) a little wiser for the last years experiences and exploits.

Steve - sorry to hear of your social shake-up but your a sexy guy and the receding stopped (for now).

Dad - Glad to see that your still thriving on the stress at work, but lets hope that the next Argyle season can keep that smile on your face a little bit longer before gravity (and Leeds Utd) take their toll.

I love you both so much but I could never tell you to your faces. You understand, don't you?

The Wanderer Returns

2004-08-10T06:37:00.000+01:00

Well, its been a while and I thought I'd adopt a trick that Hitler used to use when giving public speeches - let them wait and they'll hang on your every word when you speak!

Continueing from where I left off, I had a huge surprise when I was walking down Poppies Lane 1. I bumped into Banny, a long lost chum from Ridgeway School. He was pretty unemotional but that's probably because I was embarassingly happy to see him! Honestly though, it is always nice to see a familiar face when you've been away for a long time.

While I've been staying at the Masa Inn, it has been under construction for some new rooms and stone and wood carvers have been busy applying their trades at amazing speeds. It worries me though to think about how much these people must be paid! To their credit, they have a clock on the workmans wall that I should have tried to buy off them as a souvenir. Watch out for the pictures when I publish them.

The Masa Inn has proven to be one of the best finds on my travels as it is reasonably cheap, it's cleaned every day, it has two amazing pools and the clientele are reasonably well behaved. The only bad points are that next door to the hotel, they burn their rubbish at random times which, quite frankly, stinks! And there are 2 american girls who have faces like smacked asses and I've so wanted to bitch-slap them upside their head all week!

As Far as the paragliding has been going - Lisa has now done 2 tandem flights and 6 solo flights! She has also accumulated a lot of bruises and when people ask her how she got them I jump in to say "she's got a big mouth - so I made her shut it!". Some people got the joke but some didn't.

I have also done a tandem flight which was another tick off the extreme sports list. It was a very liberating experience and I didn't seem to notice that I only had a sheet above my head - I thought I was just floating in mid air! It was good, but I would want more control over the paraglider to do it again.

On one day out to the paragliding site, a surfer on a motorbike, complete with board and girlfriend, crashed into a jeep right in front of us! I had to swerve to avoid running them over. Thankfully, no-one was hurt badly, but guess what the surfer did next - Did he check to see if his girlfriend was ok, or his surfboard?

Lindsay - Lets Off Road!

2004-07-26T04:02:00.000+01:00

We jumped in the jeep the next morning and tried to navigate our way to Timbis Beach for the paragliding course. Sadly, I had no idea where we were going!

After, finding my bearings a little bit, I did an illegal U-Turn and was caught out by a dodgy Indo copper. He fined me on the spot for 200,000 rupiah (15 pounds) and made his excuses to get us to pay him there and then! Dodgy or what!?

Thankfully, I've avoided the law since and done everything by the book (if there is one!).

We got to Geger beach to meet Bernard (we were only 1 hour late) and he asked if we wanted to go via the shortcut to the glide site, but its a bit bumpy - as it was a beat up Jimny I was driving, we thought hell yeah!

He wasn't joking when he said it was bumpy! It was great fun to drive but it was very off-road and I now have no testicles left. I was a bit worried that we did the car some damage but then again - who cares!

As the dive site was at a place called Timbis Beach, I thought to bring a towel and I could sunbake a little while Lisa did her ground controls. However, there is no real beach to speak of - it's just arid land! But, the views are spectacular and I get a chance to do some reading and laugh at Lisa falling on her ass on regular occasions.

on a tangent - my favourite mis spelling I have seen in Bali is a shop claiming it was a monkey changer(Carr-maggeden perhaps?).

Watch out! Cliff!!

2004-07-26T03:27:00.000+01:00

The day after Lisa arrived, we chilled by the pool and sunbaked for a while until we felt the burn. I, of course, am quite used to the heat but Lisa was a little bit rouged from it all so we rested in the shade chatting to Glen and Trig until evening time.

We went back down to the pagoda bar at Kuta Puri Bungalows to meet the other Aussies and the Welshies. It was a generally nice evening which was spent getting drunk and losing people along the way.

Sadly, two things marred the night. One was that Lisa walked passed a parked motorbike and burnt her leg badly on the exhaust pipe, and two was that Trig took us to Paddy's which was wall-to-wall prostitutes and an overall meat-market, which isn't quite what I came away for (just like Jesters on Union Street! Ugh!).

Trig also showed himself to be very reminiscent of Dan Wood (of the Shaolin-Funk) in that he has a party trick called the drum which involves his bal bag and a tube of pringles (I'll never eat them again!) and he has an uncanny knack to insult people without even trying. Bless!

Lisa's paragliding course was due to start the next day so we went and found out where it was all supposed to take place and got a taxi to Geger Beach by Nusa Dua to meet Bernard, the Instructor (say his name in a french accent).

After meeting him and going through the course details, he said that he had to dash to do some tandem dives and that we should get a taxi to Agun Payung. So we hired a taxi and he got terribly lost and refused to go all the way to the paragliding site because it was too bumpy! What a cheek!

Anyway, we got there eventually as some guys gave us a lift n their bikes in which I nearly lost a testicle as it was very bumpy! Lisa spent a while shitting herself, looking a all the people paragliding but then Bernard did a tandem flight with her to get her into the swing of things. She had to borrow my shoes though! Talk about unprepared! She did love it, but for me, jumping off cliffs is sooo 8 years ago (Treyarnon days). I will have a go sometime soon though (maybe today?!).

On the way back we managed to grab a lift with a guy who sorts out transport hire and has investment in a restaurant on Jimbaran Bay. So, he took us to the restaurant and for the second time that week, I watched the sunset. Again, it would have been a romantic evening if I wasn't with an mechanic Essex girl with a lemming-like tendency to jump off cliffs with a sheet above her head!

After eating, our driver took us to the airport to sort out hiring a jeep to get to and from the paragliding site. We managed to sort out a Suzuki Jimny for 9 quid a day - not bad? I drove his car back to the hotel as he needed to check the car over and change the oil. His car was great to drive but driving in Kuta isn't! Basically, there is no highway codes especially for motorbikes!

Cac Ir Gweli!

2004-07-23T12:00:00.000+01:00

(Owzy-O - I hope I spelt the title correctly.)

Well, on Monday, I spent most of my time by the pool as far as I can remember, but Glen had invited myself and Trigger to the Kuta Puri Bungalows down the road for a few drinks with some ...........more australians!

The nice thing was that they are possible some of the nicest, people I have met in the last few weeks - There was Dave (Vegetarian horse lover who looks like Willem Defoe), Dwayne (chisel jawed hollywood hardman type), Jeff (such a nice guy, but ashmatic) and there were others but I forget their names!

The shocking part was meeting two girls from Wales who, believe it or not, lived in Cyn-Coed - just 5 mins from where I used to live in Cardiff!

It was nice to catch up and talk about how bad the Philly is and having to avoid friday nights because of the Valleys descending on the Diff. They were impressed with my welsh swearing too - Thanks Owain!

We all went for a nice meal round the corner from the hotel and it was superb tucker! I had to leave early though as Lisa was arriving at the airport just before midnight.

I rushed back to the hotel and made a sign saying "Black-Belt Jones" on it in felt tip as I thought that there would be loads of people doing the same and she may not be able to see me. I was wrong! I was the only one there and I looked like a bit of a lemon but the moment was sheer comedy when she turned up to see me with the sign.

Now............the fun begins!

Vimto and Cup-A-Soup all round

2004-07-19T06:48:00.000+01:00

After my rant yesterday, I received a breath of fresh air by meeting a brummy fella called Trigger (he wouldn't tell me his real name because it's Luik Matthew Leo - he must be frightened of giving his real name but I stole a look at his drivers licence!).

I sat talking to him by the pool where I'm staying and it was nice to speak to someone who didn't mind me calling his mother a whore as a joke (Come on Aussies - chill out, yeah!?).

As I was feeling a little bit better, I took a risk and went for some seafood at Junbyren Bay (I have no idea how it's properly spelt) and we walked along the beach looking for a nice restaurant. We found a place where we managed to get a 20% discount which was good enough for me! I had the King Prawns which were immense and delicious.

The wierd thing was that the airport runway is at the end of the horizon on the beach so you can see people arriving and leaving on their jumbo steeds.

We watched the sunset, I drank guinness by candlelight and a 5 piece band played Hey Jude for us in which we sang along like absolute losers - It would have been a really romantic evening if I wasn't with a 6'3" brummy with unmanagable hair!

This morning I have been trying to sort out sending a package home (Christmas presents believe it or not!) and after phoning DHL who wanted to charge me 150 quid(!!!), I went to the post-office and sent the lot for 15 quid instead. Whether it gets there or not is a different story though as they bundled it all up in a potato sack and threw it in the back room!

Hopefully I'm going to be feeling well enough to do some Scuba diving soon and...............I'm just sending my photos out to the people that I have e-mail addresses of so .......enjoy and let me know what you think.

A Day of Firsts

2004-07-18T07:43:00.000+01:00

It's the first time in 10 days that I've had an uninterupted night's sleep.

It's the first time in 5 days that I've farted.

It's the first time in 4 days that I've been able to have a piss standing up.

And, it's the first time I've missed home (i.e. Britain) since I left, 2 months ago.

The reason? Well, it's that time of year when I normally go to Bath to play volleyball in the sun. It's also because I'm a bit sick of Kuta Bay.

If it was interesting I would be fine - but, it's full of arsehole surfers and people hawking after your money. The Balinese are nice enough but they all look like marmosets. The Australians are a mixed bag, but they can't help being a nation of steaming pissheads. The Americans haven't moved their fat asses out of McDonalds yet. And the English people here should know better and just stay at home and sleep with their sister.

Kuta is now 2nd on my top 5 of worst places I've ever been (Don't worry Carr - Tangiers is No.1 by a long shot!). However, what I do know is that the rest of Bali is yet to be explored and I'm eager to go to Flores too as I've heard it's beautiful.

This is hopefully my one whinging pohm moment and I hope to get over that when I have some worthwhile company (No offence to Ben, Purdey and Kim). Hell, anyone with a brain who doesn't think everything is gnarly will do!

I watched an AFL (Aussie Rules Football) game today and I think I understood the rules! It was even partially enjoyable. Other than that, I'm just biding my time and saving some money (and my breath) until Lisa arrives tomorrow and we can get outta the hellmouth that is Kuta.

I may apply for a job with the Tourist Office here but they may not like my attitude towards the place.

Best of British

2004-07-17T12:09:00.000+01:00

Well, I watched Spiderman 2 and I think that Peter Parker is as gay a street full of lampposts - what a nob - I shouted at one time "just bone her you poof!" but it didn't go down that well.

I had a few beers after that and played pool with Ben, Kim and Glen and I rock once more and pulled off some awesome shots. Those Aussies didn't know what hit 'em!

Still feeling a bit ropey, I wandered back to the hotel, but as it had been raining quite hard for about 30 mins, all the streets were flooded so I had to walk the long way round and avoid malicious taxis trying to moisten my legs (that's a strange expression Bruce - I heard the Prime Minister say it, Bruce......).

I tried to get to sleep but I was awoken in the night by Ben who had had his wallet pinched in the Bounty Bar by some Javanese tykes - he was shitting himself as it had his Visa Card in it and when he phoned up to cancel the card, they had tried to use it 3 times already! Luckily, they were unsuccessful every time. Ben was furious with himself though.

This morning, Ben and Purdey went back home to Adelaide, so I sat by the pool with my bags, waiting to check into another room. It's a hard life you know!

Scotty turned up after not sleeping in his bed - what a dirty stop-out! He brought back with him some Balinese surfing kids who terrorised the pool and ,not for the first time on this trip, I thought " this boy's a liability!". I'm glad that I'm going solo now so it's a good chance to chill out and avoid the streets.

This afternoon, I ventured out and managed to watch the Wallabies get trounced by the All Blacks in the Tri-Nations. So funny to see, especially as a Brit who knows that it's just a mickey mouse tournament anyway next to the Six Nations.

After that, I wandered with Kim to the beach and we just chilled out and watched the sunset. We then went to his Hotel and watched a bit of the Pool Championships n the telly so I'm fired up for a bit of pool action tonight as I'm sure I can do half of those shots!

Don't worry - pretty soon these updates may become interesting as I can go as far as 1 hour away from a toilet. Things are going to start happening to me now...........

Bali is a hard place to fart.....

2004-07-16T10:28:00.000+01:00

.............mainly because the follow-through isn't far behind!

Well after the "japanese meal" type updates from yesterday, I went with Benno and Scotty to play some serious air-hockey. However, it just seemed such a good idea for some vodka redbulls to get the games to be that bit more competitive. So, in true Owzy-O fashion, I fell off the wagon temporarily! (Owz - yes I am taking the piss but only because you're a true friend)

The air hockey was ferocious and Scotty was deemed the champion but only by a whisker and I know deep in my heart that I won and one of my goals didn't tally on the scoreboard so...............I was robbed, goddamit!

We all had a bit off a sweat on so we stood back to watch authentic Balinese dancing being taught to some children.............outside McDonalds of all places! We went to Tubes to try and re-unite ourselves with the others but they weren't there. We started to watch King Arthur and after nearly falling asleep we decided to just go back to the hotel.

It was eerily quiet there as it's away from the tourist trap of Kuta but that was a welcoming thought in the back of my mind. Ben was so tired he fell asleep early, but myself, Purdey and Scotty opted for a drop of JD and listen to a bit of music.

After we polished off the bottle, the other two were all up for going out but I was hit with a serious bout of Bali Belly so I let them go on their own without parental supervision.

I spent the night getting up every 30 mins to evacuate my bowels which isn't as good as sleeping, I can tell you! I'm still feeling terrible today so I've only ventured to the pub for a bit more food and a few games of pool with the locals.

To my absolute surprise, Mike and his son, Andy, from Arizona, showed up at the bar looking for me and we caught up briefly on some travelling news from where we have been. I will be meeting them later on as well so there's more of that to come but it was so good to see some familiar faces instead of just more bloody Australians!

I'm going to watch Spiderman 2 tonight inbetween my toilet trips so that should hopefully take my mind off things, but then again who knows!

Hitting the Wall

2004-07-15T09:22:00.000+01:00

Day 4 was an early start - we were up at 6.30am to get the ferry to Nusa Lembongen - an Island that isn't even on most maps! After shaking the Aussies into action we left and I had to quickly pack my overflowing backpack. I thought that wearing my boots would be a good idea to save space and the ferry must be from the pier so it'd be OK - I was wrong! I had to jump in the water to get on the ferry and everything got suitably soaked! Oh, well - worse things happen at sea you know!

The crossing was surprisingly calm and we (i.e. Me, Ben, Purdey, Scotty, Kim and Travis (an emotionally fragile oz-e who was trailing Purdey)) arrived at Lombongen and it is so different from the Kuta Vortex that I had just been spat out of - so chilled and a good chance for me to recover.

That evening, we went to see Danny, who owns the Lembongan Bumgalows further up the beach from where we were staying, and it was his 50th birthday. His indonesian girlfriend ha set up a BBQ which was quite frankle the nicest food I've had all year! It was such a chilled atmosphere and it was just what I needed.

The next two days I spent sat back and tried to recover from my cracked heels, lost voice and pounding headache - however I also managed to pick up a bad case of Bali-Belly and I burnt the roof of my mouth so badly that it's been bleeding for the last 2 days - What a whinging Pohm I am!

Yesterday was my last day on Lembongan and I was still felling absolutely rotten so I did nothing but sit in the Sukanusa Bar eating Prawns and we watched Dead Man starring Johnny Depp and I thought it was the most freaky, funny, trippy film I've seen in ages - definitely one I recommend and it's quite an old film too I think.

Today, I feel a lot better but I'm still doing an Owzy special and I'm "on the wagon". We came back to kuta and were staying in a luxury hotel called the Masa Inn with lush swimming pools and Air con - the works - it's only 5 quid each - Haha!

My next few days will be spent watching films, shopping and lounging by the pool until Lisa arrives on monday night. The search for sanity continues...

The Kuta Vortex

2004-07-15T08:35:00.000+01:00

Day 1

Our first port of call is a pub called Tubes - it's really nice there where there are films played through the day, pool tables and good food and cheap beer.

We first met Kim, an Aussie Paul Hogan lookie-likey, who we played pool with and drank copious amounts of Bintang Beer. My pool playing seems to be great between my 2nd and 7th pint but after that, it all goes downhill.

Our next venue was the mushroom bar for some mushroom shakes - I didn't go too far on that one but it still messed my head up - couple that with the fact that Ephedrin is over the chemist's counter here and that's when you start to worry!

We went back to Tubes for some food but we were all a little drunk and were pissing ourselves watching Seabiscuit (which is shit by the way) as the subtitles descibed one of the horses actions as nickering! Well - you live and learn, eh? Everyone else watching it didn't appreciate our raucous behaviour anyway, so we went to the Bounty Bar.

At this bar they had an Open Mic night where I decided to sit it out and scope out the competition. We drank drinks called Jam Jar's and Illusion Shakers which are full of Arak - a Balinese rice wine - and it is potent stuff!

I basically spent the next 6 hours dancing until my feet bled and watching Scotty pissing on the dancefloor - damn Aussies! They've got no manners - at least do it at the bar where no-one can tell!

Day 2

I Woke up at noon and went straight to Tubes where I skulled/downed my first beer - what a mistake! - I can't remember what happened in the next 9 hours but I'm sure some nickering was going on!

I've been reliably informed that I watched an Aussie Rules football game and didn't know what the hell was going on and I thought about getting a tattoo on my back! Don't worry Mum - I didn't get one.

In the evening I watched The Punisher and it just proves that John Travolta will never relive the days of Staying Alive and "just strutting". We went back to the Bounty Bar and I plucked up the courage to since All Night Long by Lionel Richie - however, with the amout of Arak I had drunk previously, my voice had nearly gone and it would have been embarassing if I knew what I was doing or where I was!

The only other notable feature of the night was nearly getting in a fight with a Norwegian who I accidentally knocked his drink into his lap - I talked my way out of it though but not before Ben saying "If we weren't already outside, I'd ask you to step outside". Norway didn't appreciate me pissing myself at that one.

Day 3

Well, technically it was still day 2 as I didn't sleep that night and went to some Aussie Grommets pool and drank till noon. I had lots of jostling with a guy called Chris who I kept calling "Tons-Of-Fun". I learnt a few things about Australians that morning:

- They call toasties "Jaffles"
- They hate being the No2 Rugby nation in the world and the mention of Jonny Wilkinson causes uncontrollable rage in the all.
- and they don't like it when their mothers are compared to whores.

After noon, I was experiencing some serious heartburn so I went to bed. That evening I woke up on some occasions by either Ben or Scotty running around the place like lunatics but I knew it was an early start the next morning so I kept my head down.

How ironic that I've been in surfer's paradise for 3 days and I still haven't seen the beach!

What a Ripper!

2004-07-15T08:24:00.000+01:00

My last day in Singapore was one of culinary experimentation. I had Indian food for breakfast, Vietnamese food for lunch and Sushi for dinner! All great of course. I didn't do much else apart from meet up with Cassandra and talk about food for ages and about how much I love to eat!

One freaky thing though was that in the shopping mall, there was a competition where 30 people were standing in a room that was freezing cold and they have to stand there for 72 hours in order to win a plasma TV and Air conditioning unit! Freaky!

I got a really early night that night because I wanted to get to the airport as early as possible the next morning..............which I did - not before I spoke to Joseph though (the crazy Indian dude in the room next door), who was telling me how dangerous Bali was and that I should get the hell out of there as soon as possible!

The flight to Bali was pleasant enough - the breakfast was not vomit inducing which was a bonus and I watched Walking Tall with The Rock which was entertaining enough for me.

As I arrived in Denpasar, I met 3 australians - Ben, his sister, Purdey and his mate Scotty. They are all nice people and I shared a Taxi to Legian and they offered for me to share a room with them as Ben has been here plenty of times and knows the cheap places and the area well.

We were staying at the Sandat Bali Inn which in clean and 2 quid a night - result! However, it all got a little bit blurry from there on in.........

And then there was one

2004-07-08T04:16:00.000+01:00

My next few days were spent trying to stay within my budget and getting my photos from my digital camera sorted onto t'internet. As I've been in internet cafe's for nearly 14 hours in the last 3 days, it is clear that it is not as simple a process as I first thought.

I am pleased to say that it is nearly ready, so I'll be sorting out a link to my photo album of the last few months, very shortly.

Yesterday, myself and Dave saw Sina to the MRT station at 6.30am in order to catch her flight, and thankfully she was feeling better than she did the day before (she ate something dodgy (Probably a wasp) and felt terrible and went to bed early). Dave was inconsolable, so we went to see Frank and have a dip in his luxury 4 star hotel pool!

The sun took a while in deciding which hat to wear but, we got a chance to top up on the tan in the morning before Frank had to check out of his room.

While Frank was packing his bags and Dave was having a shower, I had the fortune of playing Volleyball and Water Polo with a group of absolutely crazy Japanese Tourists. It was a lot of fun and I got a picture with them that Princess should be proud of - proper Takeshi's Castle style!

We sat and had a beer with Frank and then tried to be as manly in our goodbye hug with him as possible, as we made our way back to City Hall.

That evening Dave and I went to meet Cassandra in Chinatown and we had a lucky dip of chinese cuisine in the food hall. It was delicious but cockles should never be eaten in any country no matter how hungry you are.

Today, I am the only person on the tour left in Singapore - Sina has flown to Bali with her friend, Frank has gone back to Melbourne and Dave has just left to go back to KL to meet his friend, Mark. Again, thanks to all of you for your company over the last few days and good luck.

My plan for today is to post some things back home and then meet up with Cass for a spot of lunch. After that, I'll pack my bag and get an early night as I have to be at the airport to check in at 7am!

A huge thank you to Cass for looking after everyone who stayed on in Singapore and for getting us all absolutely pissed up.

I'm looking forward to a bit of solitude when I get to Bali - my updates were beginning to sound like an Oscars speech! The good news is that Lisa is definitely coming out to Bali as well and it's a possibility, we may be doing some paragliding! So many extreme sports, so little time. I'm considering base-jumping when I get to LA - What do you think?

Well, that's it for continental Asia. Next time you hear from me, the toilet will start to flush in the other direction - Quick! Call Mulder and Scully!

A Perfect Pikey Night Out

2004-07-07T07:55:00.000+01:00

The next day was Kim and Jen's last day in Singapore. Jen went on some walking expetion of the colonial buildings of Singapore with Dave, which I thought sounded too much like hard work, so myself and Kim went to Orchard Road to look in the shops and check out the prices for cameras. Well Kim was - I was looking at all the different cheesecakes in the coffee shops. I don't think I'll ever find a cheesecake like the one in Cameron Highlands again - Maybe, one day, I'll finally let it lie..........but not today.

Kim and Jen left later that day to go to Melbourne, where, I have been reliably informed, it is freezing cold! Ha Ha! Bali - here I come! Anyway best of luck to both of you and I hope to see you sooner rather than later.

After waving them goodbye, Sina was invited to see her friend, Martin (who is also Swiss-German) who works at the Stamford Swissotel next to Raffles Plaza. Thankfully, myself, Dave, Cass and Frank were invited along too. When we arrived, Martin was busy, probably talking to the president of some country in the Bar or something, but when he was available, he gave us a tour of the Equinox Restaurant at the top of the Hotel.

Well, the views were amazing! You could see all of Singapore up there! It really was an amazing sight and we got so see how the other half lived for a changed. We noticed that Little India where our guesthouse is, looks like a shanty town from above because it is flanked by loads of skyscrapers. Not exactly the Ritz but glamorous enough for my simple needs! Dave asked at one point how much the 5 course meal would be at the restaurant. When Martin said that is was $150 SGD (Which isn't that bad actually!), Dave thought that that could buy 50 Big Mac meals - Bless that simple essex boy!

After that, Cass took myself and Frank to her brother's restarant to take away some free food (Roast Duck and Pork and Hoi Sin,Black Bean and Chilli sauces to dip them into). We took it to Sentosa Island, where Frank was still staying. We got the free bus to Island (even though we should have paid!) and we managed to go and see the last showing of the Musical Fountain Show......which was also free!

The fountain show was amazing but it was very much choreographed for children. Frank was clearly bewildered but I heard him gasp in amazement a couple of times so he must have enjoyed it.

It just goes to show, the best things in life cost nuppence.

Singapore is a Fine City

2004-07-06T08:23:00.000+01:00

It sure is - you get fined for spitting, bringing cigarettes into the city, littering, chewing gum, jay walking, smoking, beastiality, kiddy fiddling.....anything basically!

Anyway, for my first day in Singapore, I met up with my Cassandra who I met in Ko Chang, as she lives here. She took myself and Kim back to the Raffles Hotel and we went to the museum and looked into the history of the entire complex. We attempted to enter all parts of the Hotel but I was soon asked to leave as it a respectable hotel and I was looking rather unkempt at the time. I don't blame them.

After Raffles, we walked through to the new theatre complex that overlooks the harbour side of the city. Many of the locals here dont like the theatre a it looks like a huge pineapple but I think it looks quite funky. We then went into another prestigious hotel called the Fullerton which was very plush and they had a school of Koi Carp in the foyet in which some of them were (Please imagine this phrase being said in a Bristol accent)bigger than sharks! I think they may be experimenting with genetics and nuclear powers in this part of the world as Godzilla may have met his match with these fish!

That evening, Cass offered to take us all out for a few drinks at some places that she frequents. I'm glad to say to say that she delivered the goods as we started off in Ice Cold Beers, a pub with good music and quite cheap prices. The next stop was the International Food Festival that had been set up nearby and was boasting the Guinness Book of Records Longest Ever Satay Line. I didn't eat the whole thing and Norris Mcwhirter was nowhere to be seen (probably because he died last year) but we did have some hearty food that soaked up some of the alcohol already consumed.

Our next venue was a bar simply called The Bar. It was $15 Singapore Dollars to get in and $3 SGD for every drink (thats 5 pound entry and a quid a drink for those that dont know the exchange rate). I expect the establishment to be out of business this week as we all drank vast quantities until the early hours. The music was great, the gin didn't depress me and Vikki started an ice cube game where all the men got to experiment with their sexuality. Oo-er! So, to answer your question Steve - There isn't much difference between a man's mouth and a woman's mouth - they are the same temperature after all!

The next day, when the hangover wore off, we went to visit Nat and Frank as they were staying on Sentosa Island and Nat was leaving later that day to return to her grandmother who had fallen ill during the trip.

We caught the cable car to the island just to say that we did it really and you do get some great views of Singapore that way too. When we arrived on Sentosa Island, I was half expecting Mickey Mouse to jump out at any time as it is an entirely man-made island resort which is cheesed up to the max. Japanese tourists and fat Americans all over the place!

The Hotel Shangri-La where Nat and Frank were staying is lush and has a huge pool with jacuzzis right on the beach! I am tempted to go and play some volleyball there before I leave as there are nets all the way up the beach.

We had a little dip in the pool and we waved Nat off in her taxi to the airport. Bless her heart - she may be an ocker but, like Rolf Harris, you've gotta love her!

That evening, the troops were looking quite depleted from who was left from the tour. So myself, Kim and Dave made our way to Chinatown for some grub. However, we learned that that particular day was an Indian Holiday and it was their day to shop for everything authentic in Little India, where our hostel is. That would explain why there were 5000 indian chatting right outside my room and in the street then! It's like being back in Roath (Cardiff) but with less scummy students!

So, we made it to Chinatown in the end, and we found a nice Japanese Restaurant (Huh?!). The food was amazing and it's the first time on my travels where I genuinely thought I had misread the menu and it was going to turn out to be the most expensive meal ever. Thankfully it wasn't.

On a tangent, I have noticed a lot of little kids gliding around the subways here because they have half-shoe-half-rollerblade which means they can just cruise around. They rock! I was tempted to get some for Jack or Jasmine but there isn't any flat/smooth ground anywhere near the farm so they would be useless.

Singapore Slung!

2004-07-03T09:52:00.000+01:00

My time in Melaka was very nice actually - The sun did shine and I didn't die from the heat, so.. hurrah!

It is a very old city and it was another testament as to how nice Malaysia is, really. We saw St Paul's Castle/church thingy and the portuguese ship that has been converted into some kind of maritime museum.

I got pretty tired soon after though and I'd bought some anti-inflammatory cream for Tom's anus.....sorry, sorry... his foot. That's right - he got it infected during his 20 minutes of jungle trekking in the Cameron Highlands (whereas I remain poison free after trekking for 7 hours - go figure!). So I meandered back to the hostel for a snooze.

The evening was an awesome event. We went to a rooftop restaurant called the Bamboo Hut and I'm pleased to say, it was an all-you-can-eat BBQ. Homer Simpson would be proud of my accomplishments that evening. The food was superb and the entertainment was something you could never experience in Britain.

After a while, a Malaysian Billy Ray Cyrus lookalike, burst into song and would have chats with diners inbetween his awesome repertoire of karaoke treats. He sang many classics such as Sweet Caroline, Brown eyed Girl, YMCA, and Copacabana to name a few! When not staring in disbelief, we were singing along with every offkey tune.

The funniest parts were when his mobile phone would cause interference with his microphone like when it's too close to a car stereo, and when we put a fake birthday request in for Wesley, the tour leader, who was on her way to catch the last showing at the cinema at the time, so Billy Ray chased her down the stairs, guitar in hand, wishing her birthday wishes and exclaiming "I love you, Wesley" and " I wanna touch you" and many other saucy expletives!

The waiter took a shine to Chris and kept calling him Chris Benoit and as I'm probably the only saddo on the tour that still watches wrestling, I found it hilarious! The barman also did a fire juggling trick to the tune of "Tequila" which was a little less entertaining than Dave's dancing.

After the meal, some of us went bowling and I did O.K but got too cocky in the second game and Frank pissed on my chips by turning up the heat in the last few frames while I was pissing about - Hustling swine! The most improved player award goes to my "Potterge", Chris for his outstanding commitment to get better scores than the girls.

That evening I sat and talked to my sister Rach in the garden of the hostel. Everyone else had gone to bed so the wildlife came out to play (rats, geckos, monitor lizards, centipedes and a snake, but that was Dowd's pet). Don't worry Rach, I won't tell mum what you said about the Ping pong trick she can do with footballs! Whoops!

The next morning, we said goodbye to Tom as he had to go back to hospital, so he stayed in Melaka. The rest of us arrived in Singapore just after lunch and we are staying in Little India. The hostel is OK and I'll probably stay until I leave for Bali, but there are many indian men hanging around in towels which is a little weird.

The urban myth is that Singapore is very expensive but that is very wrong - if you go for luxurys and certain items, it's about the same price as back in Britain. Booze is expensive, but food (which is all I'm interested in) is very cheap. The people that started this rumour are either tight-asses, drunkards or from Cambodia.

We all went to Boat Quay for dinner last night and it was great - I finished everyone's meals again and I may pay the price by having to pay for 2 seats on the plane when I fly to Bali because of my humungous ass.

We went to Raffles Hotel for a Singapore Sling which apparently is a must. I didn't have one though because a drink that costs 8 quid is never a must unless it lasts for the whole night (Hmmmm....one singapore sling or 5 bottles of Frosty Jacks cider?).

On the way back from Raffles, we walked past the inverted bungee jump, I made friends with a wee frog by the river, and we watched a man dance with his shadow for over an hour while we drank G&T's - Strange!

This morning, some of the tour group left for pastures new. I woke up late though so I'm sorry if I missed you. Iona and Jo - I'm glad you got to see "The Egg" eventually - not quite a "party-boy" but it passes the time. And Chris - I'll always remember you walking like a spastic. Cheers for the laughs you fruitcake. I wish you all the best of luck in the world - you'll bloody need it!

Chill out.............I'm on holiday yeah!

2004-07-01T00:56:00.000+01:00

I didn't have that long left in KL and so I thought I'd do something substancial with my time......so, I went bowling!

It's the first time I've played for 8 months so I expected a score Steve Potter would be proud of - you know......above 100. However, I was pleased to get 5 strikes and a spare and a respectable score of 165. No signs of strain on my robotic leg either!

To celebrate, I bought a few clothing items in the Body Glove shop where it was next to nuppence (but not quite - sorry Rach and Johnny - my pikido skills are wilting in this heat!).

I also found out that Kuala Lumpur literally means "Muddy rivers" in Malay, from when it was a mining town - not exactly a glamourous name. Next I'll probably find out that Paris means "shithole", or Cardiff means "English people Welcome".

I arrived in Melaka last night after the coach journey.....of doom! - The driver was on a mission to make everyone on the coach shit themselves and he was pretty successful, I'd say! - He drove like BA Baracus on speed. He was in two lanes for most of the journey and was shouting at people, laughing maniacally, and generally trying to push other people of the road. The journey was supposed to be 3 hours long and we arrived in 2h 15m! I ain't gettin' on no coach, fool!

The guesthouse where we're staying is called the Kancil Guesthouse and is run by a fella called Dow. He really chilled out and the place is very nice - I have a sunspot/jungle scene right outside my room!

For dinner we went to a chinese food market where we were the only western faces. All you had to do was ask for something and say where you were sitting and they would bring it over to you - it was great! I had the dumplings, unfried spring rolls (which were superb!), fish cakes wrapped in Banana leaves and some mushroom noodles. The whole thing was really nice but there was no point in asking what some of the things were as they didn't speak any english.

After my meal, I was drinking my Guinness and I had my first creative moment in some time - I made a car out of the containers and rubbish left over from the meal and it was something Anthea Turner would be proud of if she was still on Blue Peter and not being such a filthy crack-whore.

Well, today it is raining but I'm counting that as a blessing as the heat was beginning to melt my sideburns. I hope to visit many museums and take photos, and, if I can squeeze it in.......... a few games of bowling!

Anyone can make you sweat, but I................

2004-06-30T01:38:00.000+01:00

As I'm up early, I thought I'd add to yesterdays update:

On our large walk around the metropolis that is KL, we were accosted by some news reporters who were getting a photo for the paper warning tourists of general dangers to tourists and of the proper way of wearing your bags so as not to get them pilfered. Malaysian celebrity status awaits.

I didn't fancy doing the meal thing with the group last night (even though it was delicious, cheap and there was a film crew there, apparently!) so myself and Kim, went to have some foot reflexology enacted on ourselves - man, was it painful! But, I am now the proud owner of two new feet - I wonder if they were able to sort out the smell? It was well worth it.

I basically chilled out after that with another Bombay Sapphire and went to sleep soon after as I am struggling to stay conscious in this immense heat!

For the second night running, Tom has been courtious enough to harass me when he gets back in at "what the f_____" o'clock. The previous night, he attempted to set fire to my feet, and last night, he was pushed into the room by Vicki and Stuart who both looked ecstatic to be giving drunksitting duties back to me, as they sprinted down the corridor in glee. Tom then dissapeared for 10 minutes and came back completely naked! What's that about?! I did pretend to be asleep though as he attempted to get into his bed and failed miserably and landed on his face! I wonder if he'll be missing a few teeth today?

I woke up early again and had lunch with a camp filipino fella called Elmer. He lives in Dubai and he's super.....thanks for asking!

I go to Melaka today where it is supposed to be even hotter........I can't wait!

Smeaton's Tower - not the tallest building in the world! - Janners shocked.

2004-06-29T10:30:00.000+01:00

I arrived In Kuala Lumpur yesterday and, to be honest, I've been a bit of a nonce as I'm still aching from the jungle trek - another early night for me then!

Before I did flake out on the reliably piss proof bed, we went to the Chinatown for a meal (which was lush!) and then on to the famous night market. It was bigger than any market I've been to, including the one in the carpark of Tesco's at Lee Mill.....on a sunday!

Cue the heckling and me being terribly British, looking at something and then saying "No thank-you, it's a piece of tacky shit".

I woke up this morning to find that KL is an amazingly hot city and it has beautiful, modern architecture, including the KL tower which is the 4th largest communications tower in the world, and the Petronas tower which are rather large and pant-wettingly spectacular.

We stopped off for a bit of lunch and then made our way to the newly constructed shopping mall of Times Square. The main feature of this mall/hotel is that it has a theme park inside of which I went on all the rides and screamed and whooped like I was 5 years old - the only thing that made me come to terms with reality after that, was the ticket/tag on my wrist that told me I was an adult!

Tonight, I will mostly be drinking Gin and we have all been invited to May's (from Cameron Highlands) house for a pool party. Should be fun!

P.S. Carr-magedden sounds scary! So, please people, take it seriously. I hear his "Furry" is quite formidable!

Welcome to the Jungle

2004-06-29T09:53:00.000+01:00

I awoke after only a few hours sleep and, being the control freak that I am, I made sandwiches and bought rations for everyone going on the jungle trek, which meant I had to sacrifice the prospect of breakfast - A minor setback.

Our guide, Kali, arrived at 8.30am and we basically just started walking behind our guesthouse and we were in the wilderness in no time!

Kali is 61 years old but he would put everyone I know to shame as he walks over 25km of rainforest every day and he can chop a tree down with his bare hands! (well, with a great big knife/machete but it still puts Norman Ballantyne's mum to shame!).

The trek was very hard going but so enjoyable - I realised just how unfit I am and I now fully appreciate what hiking boots are for.

The first leg of our trip was dense rainforest that is thousands of years old. I was walking behind Kim who had a severe problem with her cheap-ass sandals that she bought to do the trek, as they got muddy and her feet just went straight out the toe when we were going downhill! This made us a bit of a liability but, we got to the Boh tea plantation within a few hours.

On the way there were all sorts of interestings sights such as rattan trees (if thats what they're called!), bamboo forests and pitcher plants, which are known sometimes as monkey cups - I much prefer monkey cups personally.

The tea plantation was good as we drank several gallons of tea before we went out into the wilderness again! Oh, how I've missed tea!

The next leg was a little bit toasty as we were walking through the plantation at the hottest time of the day. I picked some tea and got a bit carried away and we then came across one of the local villages within the plantation. I was prepared and I brought some toys to give to the local children - I was like santa (but just a little bit more perverted than him - thank god I wasn't Mrs Santa again!). The kids were all a bit crazy but it was interesting to see that there are villages that live so basically and yet so close to civilised/ modern society.

After the village we set off into the jungle again and spirits were low as we all hadn't eaten for a while. Thankfully we stopped but if I went any further, I don't think would have had a choice in the matter as my legs nearly fell off!

We made our way to the waterfall nearby after lunch and boy, was that a relief - I was baking hot so I just jumped right in. As it was very cold, my body reacted in the only way it knows how. I haven't been able to find "Junior" since that moment but I'm sure he'll find his way home!

The last part of the trip was on the road. which was nice as my limbs had wasted away to just stumps. After asking our guide how many kilometres we had covered during our trek, he said that it was at least 20km! (We told everyone it was 30km, because exaggeration is acceptable in these circumstances).

I had nothing to say to anyone that evening after showering and sewing my feet back on as I had lost the ability to communicate. I slept for a long time after that and dreamt of Indiana Jones getting his ass whupped by Kali, our guide. It seemed so real!?

That was that really - Rob - If you dont called that Indy style adventure, then tough ball bags to you, mate! However, I don't remember him picking tea in Malaysia.

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa.........Mouth!

2004-06-28T01:11:00.000+01:00

The last thing I remember about Penang is an old man crushing coke cans on the pavement for over 3 hours (I passed him 3 times on that last day and I was beginning to feel like I was in a time warp!) - In a funny kind of way, that's how I'll always remember Penang - A little strange.

I slept through my alarm, as per usual, and myself and Tom (who reminds me more and more of Gareth from The Office - it's very difficult to talk to him now!) scurried our way downstairs to liase with the others and catch the coach to the Cameron Highlands.

It was a 6 hour journey. Some dreaded the thought of trying to sleep on a bumpy old journey like that one, so, instead, I played all of the cheesiest songs on my I-Pod and sung my heart out with, my tune-killing-partner-in-crime, Kim. Allsorts was played including Backstreet Boys, N*Sync, songs from Musicals (Annie, Grease), Bonnie Tyler, and of course, Jordan Knight to name just a few. Most people just shook their heads in disbelief and pretented to be asleep, but I'm sure I saw a couple of feet tapping!

Thanks to Kim and the I-Pod the journey only felt like 30 minutes and we were glad to be in the village of Tanah Rata, where it is beatiful and so much less bustling than Penang.

We arrived at our lodgings (the Hillview) and it is a really nice place to stay - despite the walls being very thin, its a lot easier to socialise because of their lounge rooms on each floor.

The first thing I heard when we arrived at the Hillview was "Puppies!", at which I thought I'd stumbled upon Jerry "the King" Lawler on holiday in Malaysia, appreciating a woman's finer points! However, it was actually because the guesthouse had two puppies here that are so cute, I was tempted to eat one of them. If I ate both, that would just be greedy! They were adorable though and I have a picture of me holding them which could be on every 14 year old girls bedroom wall next year.

Our first port of call was to have a nice cup o' tea as the area we are in is one of the main tea plantations in Malaysia. Oh how I've missed a good cup of tea and, even better, I had a slice of lemon cheescake that possibly made me wet! As it's my last day here today I may go and ask for a whole cake for my impending journey.

After showering up and getting myself all beautiful looking, we went for a meal in the village and we all had something called a Steamboat - What is that I hear you cry? Well, it's basically a big pot of stock put in the middle of the table and we throw everything we want in it (squid, prawns, chicken, beef, jellyfish, eggs, mushrooms, noodles and much more). It was great fun as it was virtually a food fight but what was better was watching the other table not really getting the concept of it, as if an alien spaceship was on the table, or a copy of the Koran.

We all got quite tipsy that night and we all met a couple, Phil and May, from our guesthouse and drank for a long while. At one point we had 70's Disco Duel where we would compete with songs we had on my I-Pod and her CD player and would halt the other by shouting "Cut the Music!". Subsequently there were complaints the next morning and there is now an 11pm curfew. Whoops!

On my next update, will be my account of Trekking through the rainforest and more tea.

Malaysian Air Guitar Solo

2004-06-25T08:43:00.000+01:00

I finally left Thailand yesterday morning on the night train from Surat Thani (wasnt that a Bryan Adams song?). I was glad to be leaving Thailand really as, although it is an interesting and friendly country, it is a bit stinky and there are some unsavoury/freaky characters about (not just ladyboys but on the ferry back from Kho Pha Ngan there were a few people just shadowing you as you walked about on deck and they would just smile and laugh when you look at them!). Im glad that I have seen the things I have seen though.

Arriving in Penang is the first sniff of adventure I've had for a week or so as I have had no expectations or ideas about what Malaysia would be like. I've come to realise that it is, so far, very colonial. There is a lot of westernisation here but they embrace many cultures which makes it a very interesting destination. There is a mix of Indian, chinese and Indonesian cuisine which is great (this means a lot to me, obviously) and the people are all so friendly - They know a lot of our slang words and it's a little un-nerving when the receptionist calls me luv!

Penang reminds me very much of certain areas of Hong Kong. It's not as clean but it's got it's own charm. As Malaysia is a muslim country there is a requirement to dress less slutty for women and to not show so much skin. In respect of this culture I have decided to wear ALL of my clothes so as not to offend anyone however, this means that I'm sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish market.

I have spent a lot of my time in Penang in the Main shopping centre as I can't be bothered with that walking malarkey in the tropical sun.

Last night was my first night in Malaysia and I thought I'd get a bit of sleep before meeting the rest of the group for dinner at 8.30. However, I slept for too long in the hotel room despite Tom shaking me and Wesley trying to ring me to wake me up. When I did surface it was 10pm and I was little confused at to where everyone was and why they didnt wake me up!

By chance I found out where they were eating and I went to catch up with them. Sadly, I was unable to eat all of the leftovers from my fellow group members (as is expected as I am a human dustbin) as they had eaten long before I arrived so I had to actually pay for a meal - How selfish of them!

After the meal we went to a bar called Slippery Senoritas over the road and there was a band playing covers of virtually every genre of music ever.....and they were pretty good too. The female singer was hot to trot and one of the singers was persistent with his air guitar solos that at one point I thought he had an invisible guitar!

As England were playing Portugal in the Quarter finals of Euro 2004, I decided to throw caution to the wind and get a little tipsy. Subsequently I cut some hefty slices into that dancefloor and some of the girls on the tour will be changed forever as they have now been "Egged" - Potter Style (It's a dancemove that is somewhat of an icebreaker, especially if it's on an ice rink)!

Myself and Tom stayed in the bar to watch the game (which almost made we ashamed to be up at 5am watching my nations football team pull a "dominici style" Faux Pas ....again!) and the tipple of choice was JD followed by a whole bottle of Hennesseys Cognac. Tom was being sick down himself (and the bouncer) in no time which allowed me to rib him for being an absolute sissy.

In a bizarre twist he paid me to wear his slightly stained T-Shirt as he wanted to chat up the malaysian girls accross the bar - I thought that was easy money but the downside was that people thought that I was english yob puke covered scum.

We didn't get to sleep until 6am, so I am a little fragile today and a bath and a curry await me back at the hotel.

Tomorrow, I leave for the Cameron Highlands and will partake in some jungle trekking. So, I may be wrestling tigers and getting monkeys pissed before you know it.

As a final note, I would like to thank Dave (The Torr Farm Guinea Fowl Assassin) as my mother tells me you're an avid reader, and to Dawn for printing it out for Webby as he can't get his thumb out of his bum and get to a computer.

There was this one time, in Bangkok................

2004-06-22T03:44:00.000+01:00

My tour started last thursday and we all went out to watch the England v Switzerland game. It was good to see that sort of result but I also learnt a few things: Tom is a raging alcoholic and I'm going to have my hands full for the next few weeks, and, after speaking to Rebecca, I have learnt that embryo porn and skullfucking are not suitable subjects for conversation (Thanks, Fred - You've left your mark).

The next day I was up at 6am to leave Bangkok to go to the Bridge over the River Kwai and see the Death Railway - cheery stuff eh? Sadly, I never had enough time to see Pussy Ping Pong at Pat Pong.

Our guide for the tour was called Rudy and was the campest man I've met since Big A (Adam Taylor). He was good fun and kept me on my toes.

Our first stop was the floating market which was interesting but not quite what I expected. After that we saw some woodcarving at a workshop in which, I think, I was the only person interested.

Next stop was the Death Railway which everyone thought was the Bridge over the River Kwai - I kept on saying that it was a rehearsal for the real thing but everyone already thinks that I'm just a smartarse anyway. Then we actually visited the bridge in question so I took a photo.

The cemetery and the Jeath Museum was morbid stuff which halted any renditions of "The sun'll come out tomorrow" or "Little Spanish Flea" on the return trip on the minibus.

That evening we caught the night train to Surat Thani and then, in the morning, the ferry to Kho Pha Ngan. Thankfully, there have been no tropical storms but only blissful sunshine since we've been here.

Our first night was spent getting hammered and after drinking a bottle of room temperature red wine (and the rooms are pretty hot here!) I was reluctantly coerced into going for a midnight swim. There was phosphorescence in the water though which is like having little fairy lights in the water (you've all seen the Beach, so you must know what I mean).

The next day we all went on a snorkelling trip but it was second best to a good dive. We all crisped up nicely though and I'm just one shade off being the sexiest British black man ever (After Ryan Giggs, of course).

Yesterday I went for Dive 5 and 6 at Sail Rock which is 18km out at sea from Kho Pha Ngan. It was good diving, despite the visibility being only 5-10m as we descended through a chimney in the coral which was amazing stuff.

For the last 2 mornings, I have been up to watch the sunrise at 5.30am and I think there may be something wrong with me. It is however, becoming my favourite part of the day as I have the entire beach to myself and it is so peaceful.

Anyway, next stop is Penang in Malaysia. Culture awaits.

In response to the messages left recently:

my oneness has not yet been found as I'm still too fat - I'm down to twoness.

Also, Aural sex is entirely under-rated. Go for it Paul.

The Dirty Dozen (+4)

2004-06-22T03:15:00.000+01:00

The Tour from Bangkok to Singapore has now officially started, but before I update you on my adventures, I want to describe my first impressions of the other 15 people on the tour:

Wesley (American) - The tour leader - Has an uncontrollable addiction to coffee.

Rebecca (Lincolnshire, UK) - The baby of the group and has scuffed knees and a boyfriend she doesnt care about.

Tom - (Ipswich, UK) - As previously stated - a liability is an understatement - the sacrificial lamb of the group and sharing a room with him is interesting. Yesterday he locked the key in the room twice and he has a habit of sleeping at the end of the bed like a dog.

Kim, Joanne, Jennifer and Iona (Scotland) - All very quiet so far - something to hide perhaps?

Vicky and Stuart (Northern Ireland) - funny people who like to unwind after a few drinks with a few more drinks.

Miles (Swindon, UK) - The self proclaimed early riser but I've been up at 5.30am for the last two mornings and I haven't seen him around?!

Dave (Essex, UK) - Say no more - a veritable dog on heat and otherwise a very funny bloke.

Natalie and Francisco (Melbourne, Australia) - Opposites attract as Frank is quiet and introvert and Nat is chatty and extrovert (filthy mind as well).

Cena (Lucerne, Switzerland) - she's finding it difficult to understand the many different english accents, but then again - so am I.

Chris (Scotland) - He has the driest humour ever and I find myself close to wetting myself on occasions. Red as a beetroot in this sunshine which proves that scottish people should leave their homeland at their own peril.

The group has already split into two definite groups: The quiet types who keep themselves to themselves generally, and the other half is extroverted and portraying defensive behaviour at times (I.e. Toms talks bullshit as defense, Dave starts humping anything that moves and Rebecca pulls the sympathy card by falling down some steps and scarring herself for life).

Myself? I'm auditioning for the role of, possibly bi-sexual, loner - I'll keep 'em guessing for now as probably most of the people who read this website (all 3 of you) have your suspicions too. I've already rebelled against one outing but boredom ensured that I slept for many hours while they were gone.

Dorian is not the Only Fruit

2004-06-17T09:44:00.000+01:00

The day of the Euro 2004 clash between England and France came and it was stormy on Ko Chang. Subsequently, I played cards all day and Roy (from Israel) was duped into a game of "Skinhead", which is like shithead but the loser get's his head shaved. Of course, he lost and I shaved him silly! To prove I would do it in good will I also offered to cut Stacey's fringe but made a bit of a mess of it! Because of that, Roy didn't trust me throughout the entire ordeal.

The game happened......and, boy was I dissapointed! The good thing was that the locals and the owners of Nature Beach were throwing plenty of whiskey and rum around so I was able to drown my sorrows.

The locals (Dar, Tos, Joe and San) have been so friendly here other than just free drinks - There's a guy called Keith from Newcastle who lives behind the huts and I mistakedly gate-crashed his house when I saw that he had a pool table - I thought it was a pub! So nice though and it cost him next to nuppence to build the house and buy everything in it.

San and Joe run the bar and they do a brilliant cockney accent! San is also the spitting image of Pharrell Williams from N*E*R*D!

I met a canadian girl called Terri who was very nice but was quite anti-english when the football came on.

The day after the game, most people had left the Island and I had to fend for myself.

I had my last 2 dives and completed my Open Water Course which was good to have under my belt. However, that morning, they were exploding bombs underwater (for safety reasons) that had been left dormant for years. That would explain the ground shaking at 8am then! It also brought up lots of silt and mud from the seabed and visibility was poor. My instructor said afterwards though that I was the only person on Ko Chang diving that day and if I can dive in those conditions, I can pretty much dive anywhere!

After my diving I basically read my book in the restaurant and some Thai girls (Hada and Jula) were on holiday and I spent the afternoon with them. It turns out that they work on the island and do massage a few beaches up so I got all sorts of massage freebies! Nice!

My last day on Ko Chang, was on Tuesday and it rained all day so I slept in the hammock until the evening. My bag packing was rudely interrupted by a typhoon hitting the island and all the power went so I was sat in the dark in my room with coconuts hitting the roof!

Eventually the power did come back on and I watched the Football and was chatting to a girl called Cassandra from Singapore. I had recollections of Wayne's World and I couldn't work out if I was Garth or Wayne!? She is very nice though and I will try and meet her when I get to Singapore.

As I didn't want to be stranded on Ko Chang when my trek from Bangkok to Singapore starts (on the 17th June - Today!), I left for Bangkok a day early.

Places aren't nearly as bad the second time around and I ended up having a really good night in Bangkok. I found the hotel where the trek starts and stopped for a coffee in a cafe just outside. There I met Fran, Vicky and Laurelle who are all from Reading and are in Thailand for a month. I ended up being their guide for Banglahmpu and around Khao Sarn Road as they had just arrived. We all had a nice meal and ended up getting drunk in Silk's Bar which was playing some "Proper Bo" music - All old school hip hop and house stuff - and the Spain v Greece game. I stumbled home after the game but not before a Thai bloke bought me a drink and we chatted about the football - turns out he was a policeman!

I've checked into my hotel now and it's the most luxury I've experienced since The Farm! There's even hot water - Hurrah!

I'm sharing a room with a guy called Tom from Ipswich who is, as he puts it, a liability - but other than that, I think he just knows how to have a good time!

I have to get back to the hotel now for the briefing but there will be an update soon as I arrive in Kho Phan Ngan in a few days.

(Oh, by the way, Dorian is a spiky (not Pikey!) fruit which loads of people eat here but is smells like vomit and doesn't taste much better - Subsequently, most hotels have a ban on them as it stinks the place out!)

Pizza Eating Amphibians and Compressed Bladders

2004-06-13T06:39:00.000+01:00

I've started a diving course at Bang Bao and after breezing the test and final exam and then doing the basics in the pool, I've now got 2 sea dives under my belt too.

I found it hard to equalize the pressure in my ears at first but I got the hang of it in the end and did one dive that was 14m down for 61 minutes and then the 2nd dive was 12m for 41 minutes. However, the thing to write home about is on my first dive, I was lucky enough to have about 12m visibility and I was swimming with and even touched a turtle! No sign of empty pizza boxes or a rat in a kimono but it was definitely an amazing sight.

I have felt an urgent need to urinate when surfacing too - must be a serious case of compressed bladder syndrome!

The last 2 dives today has been postponed because of storms at sea and, apparently, being struck by lighting with an aluminium tank on your back is not good!

As hoped, I have met quite a few new people at the Nature Beach Resort where I am staying:

Francesca and Stef - A swiss couple who went diving with me on my 3rd day.

Adam, Hannah and Laura - They are all from England but Adam has been living just outside Amsterdam for the last few years and has come out for a holiday and to give advice to his sister, Laura.

Yol, Bob and Simon - The Welshies (Sorry Owzy but there there from the North so please forgive me!) Boys who definitely like their booze.

Paul - The biggest "Shithead" I've met out here! But only because that's the card we've been playing while it's been raining! He's from Belfast and I hope to meet up with him in Sydney as he's living there at the moment and he's a cracking good laugh.

Roy - From Israel and he's a scream! He says things that not even Oram would dare to say at the risk of sounding insane. He's been affectionately called "my little Roy Toy".

Toni and Nicolas - Nicolas is from Thailand and has been living in England - Toni is Greek and a plenty nice guy - He's also been living in England (Luton) for a good few years and he was very pleased when Greece beat Portugal last night! What a shocker!

And Finally, Stacey and Kate - Both from Kent and are away for a year. They were in India before Thailand and they have been a Godsend in terms of being able to just really chill out - I've even tried to teach them Shitty Liz/ Black Maria but it proved a bit too much. Kate will never forgive me for bringing it up but she's also related to the Chuckle Brothers! To me - to you - to me - to you! (Sorry!)

On top of meeting all these people I have also been playing a little bit of volleyball and football with a group of 28 Thai kids (age 15-17) and they were really friendly, even though I kicked their arses (shades of the oppression of the good old days of the English Empire - I did what Queen Vic could never do!).

Basically everything is still great here despite the weather being a bit pants. There are wild dogs on the beach that act as a protection agency for the beach huts, but one dog stands out mainly because it is as big as a house! "Sausage" is heavily pregnant and a royal pain in the ass at night as it becomes quite erratic and it often sits in a Buddha pose and attepts to bite her ears, Joey Deacon style.

Anyway, going to be watching England v France tonight so looking forward to a bit of a tense game and many, many beers!

P.S. Forgot to mention before that my last day in Hong Kong I had a Facial and fell asleep but I felt like a new man (and possibly more like a woman) after my massage and face pack - Thanks for paying the bill, Lisa - I'll make sure I repay the favour and buy you a Half Yarder if you ever go to Plymouth!

Don't Call Me Dumbo!

2004-06-09T12:58:00.000+01:00

Whew! What a day! I woke up really early because I thought it was midday already but it only turned out to be 7.30am! So, I had some breakfast and sat with Mike and Andy (From Arizona) as we contemplated the day ahead.

We decided it would be a good idea to get some scooters and cruise round the island as we all didnt want to go solo (i.e. crash with no-one to pick up the pieces) - however, I have never been behind the wheel of a motorcycle so I was a little nervous. It only costs 3 quid for the day - Cool, huh?

So our first destination was Ban Bang Bao at the southernmost tip of the Island which has a huge pier with loads of fish stalls and bars - very rustic - it was also better to go south as there was less traffic down there so I could get my practice on the 2-wheeled beast!

I found a place that will do an Open Water Diving Course for about 120 quid and I start tomorrow morning - It's a 4 day course and the instructor is Belgian - should be very...........interesting.

After that we went straight to the northern tip of the island and as we went up we diverted to the waterfall that isnt far from the coast. We had to pay 200 baht each to see it but its only a small price to pay. When we got there it was very beautiful and I even got to have a swim in the river (There's a great picture I now have of me showing how a belly flop dive should be done).

After that we carried on going north and then followed the signs for the Elephant Camp. The road soon turned into a dirt track as we went inland and it was pretty messy as muddy puddles made me look like I had shit all over my trousers!

When we got there the Elephant camp was open and all 3 of us got to ride these mighty beasts on a trek through the woods. Mike and Andy had a guide on their elephant but my guide got off after about a minute and showed me how to get it to obey my orders - it was great! I was like Indiana Jones on his way to Delhi (No sign of the Holy Grail yet though, Rob - I think I took a wrong turn in Tangiers!).

On the way back we stopped off in a restaurant and had red snapper and it was absolutely delicious. Mike and Andy - Thanks for a great day in Ko Chang - It's been the best day here so far!

I Have to go now as my scooter needs to be taken back to Hostel and it's getting dark - see y'all soon, y'hear!

Spicy bowels and Ladyboys

2004-06-08T07:34:00.000+01:00

I am currently sitting at the computer overlooking Lonely Beach on Ko Chang. It is absolutely lush here despite the fact that it's raining today. However, please allow me to continue where I left off last time:

After a tearful goodbye to Lisa and Hong Kong, I legged it to get my connecting flight to Bangkok via Singapore as I was sat in a Hotel bar about an hour before take off!

I flew with Singapore airlines who are, apparently, one of the better airlines in the world. However, I've become quite a snob since flying with Virgin but it it was good none-the-less. I have also decided to boycott airplane food as it is surely just bicarbonate of soda painted in different colours and makes your stomach balloon like Andrew Best's head!

When I arrived in Bangkok it was gone midnight and I shared a Taxi into Banglamhpu to find a hostel with a girl called Julia but she was quite clearly pissed out of her face and a bit freaky to boot - after finding a place (only 50p a night!) we went to get a couple of beers and chill. However, when we went up Khao Sarn Road all the bars weren't allowed to sell alcohol anymore and the hookers kept pinching my visibly erect nipples through my T-shirt - Whoa nelly!

The next morning, I decided that Bangkok was a bit too much of a stinky shithole of a place and I didn't want to be watching out for pickpockets and adam's apples all the time so I got on the first bus to Trat and then got the ferry over to Ko Chang Island. It was about 9 hours by the time we checked into the Treehouse lodge but I had met some interesting people along the way:

There was a french couple called Arianne and Fabrice who have travelled through Russia, China, Vietnam and Cambodia to get here - Sadly my french speaking of the week before has gone awry this time as I'm too damn tired to concentrate!

There is also a German called Maria and a Dutch girl called Daniella - They are really nice and friendly but sadly, Daniella got robbed last night and now has very little money left! That sucks big time!

Finally, on the bus, I met Mike and his 11 year old son, Andy, from Arizona. They are really friendly and I've had a good time over the last 2 days just hanging around with them. Mike has got a lot of travelling under his belt already but it's such a nice sentiment to take your child with you on a 3 month trip of South-East Asia.

Ko Chang is wonderful and I've already played a lot of frisbee and got a sooooper tan. I've moved up the beach a little bit and I'm paying a bit extra for a room (4 quid - big wow!) as it has more luxuries like lights, a fan, shower, toilet and a safety deposit box. It also opens straight onto the sandy part of the beach.

It's very cheap here and it's doing wonders for my budget - The food is really good and (fingers and legs crossed) I havent had that much spicy bowel action yet - The seafood is good as well as it's mostly freshly caught. there are many fit ladies here too but I stink of prawns and none of them will talk to me! There is also a ladyboy behind the bar which sparks up all sorts of "is s/he or isn't s/he?" conversations.

That's all for now but I'll keep you all posted of any major developments in my adventures soon.

End of Chapter One

2004-06-05T04:26:00.000+01:00

I have just checked my bag into the airport and I am waiting for my flight which is at 1830 hours. So, as I have a moment, I would like to reflect on my time here: It's been great! I could easily live here if circumstances were different but, my adventure must resume - who knows whats around the corner (most probably extreme tummy trouble and a ladyboy with a hand-stitched leather dildo!).

I have recently finished another book called Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman and it has mentally prepared me for anything that the future may bring. It has made me realise that the place is here and the time is now. The past and the future are not worth worrying about - it's being happy in the present that matters. If anyone gets a chance to read this book - do it! Your outlook on life will change.

OK, I realise that I sound like a hippy right now, but reading philosophy and reflective literature has given me insight and confidence in myself and my life.

Anyway, enough of that - when you next hear from me I'll be in Thailand with a stinking hangover, Dengue fever and I will possibly be the victim of an amourous thieving prostitute (Let's keep our fingers crossed shall we?!).

In response to the many comments:
- Fred is God and everyone else (especially me) is scum.
- Sorry Whiteway! Only Taxis and trams here - I've gone Cold Turkey (Bora Stylee)
- Postcards will be sent
- Owzy-O - The comment I made on your Blog was only acidic because you should only kick a man when he's trying to get back up - It's the rules!

Turning Cantonese, I think I'm Turning Cantonese, I really think so!

2004-06-02T14:08:00.000+01:00

I thought I would write just a few phrases I've learned since I've been out here (Forgive my spelling but I'm writing them as you would say them!):

Dong Suk Lo - I am Lost
Am See Doe - Do you think I dont Know? (useful with taxi drivers/con artists!)
Lung Lui - Lovely Lady (Believe me - you'll use this one a lot!)
Suck My Tung - Sweetcorn Soup (this one sticks in my mind though!)
Lido - Here
Nam Chi - Mens Toilets (Lui Chi for the Ladies!)
Fatty - Faster
Gong sarm, gong say - You're Talking Sh*t!
Do lay lo mo - F**k you're mother's c**t! (Do not say this - seriously!)

I also have some chinese symbols for my name and other key words, and "Po" means "woman" in Cantonese! (It can be a bit confusing sometimes with all my hair, I know!)

Also please note that you can all add your own comments on my updates by clicking the comments button below. It'd be nice to know you're thoughts on my useless ramblings. (or you could e-mail me you lazy sods! Only Kidding!)

The Englishman who went up a mountain...............

2004-06-02T13:27:00.000+01:00

.............and came down a sweaty and tired englishman!

Well, for those of you who don't know, I'm still in Hong Kong. The reason? - I like it here and Lisa has kindly asked me to stay another week. It's no biggie though as Thailand can wait and I'll be there for a good month besides.

As I've been able to chill out over the last week and take things easy - I've watched a lot of DVD's and I've read a couple of books -

As far as the DVD's go - I watched O Brother, Where Art Thou? (I'm a Dapper Dan Man too) which I loved - As far as my Feet will Carry me - A german film that I also thought was amazing - The Heist - Gen hackman doing what he always does and the female lead looked too much like Julian "Scary" Clary! - and I've also watched some chinese porn but I didn't know the name - it was more funny than erotic - great hair dos! (Hmmm?)

The books? well I have read Stupid White Men by Michael Moore - Very interesting, a little scary and a typical bloke - thinking he can fix anything - even something as complex as the IRA /Northern Island situation by simply converting the protestants to catholics! - What a nob! - The other book was The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho - Stunning read - simple plot and so enlightening for anyone who dares to travel and realise their dreams - (And it's only a short book too).

Since my last update I have been busy -

- I went up to Victoria Peak which had stunning views of Hong Kong Island and whilst at the summit, sipping my beer and writing postcards, I noticed the 3 gentlemen behind me speaking french so I said hello to them in their native tongue. It seems it was fully appreciated as they invited me to their table and force fed me loads of red wine. It turns out they were Swiss and I was able to continue the whole afternoon speaking french to them - C'est Incredible! Non?
- That evening I met up with Lisa after work in the Peak Cafe and went to a vegetarian restaurant afterwards which is possibly one of the nicest meals I've had since I've been here! Don't worry - I couldn't possibly "turn" if I'm going to be back on the farm - I wouldn't dare!
- I found a chinese Elvis! (I promised myself that I would find one in Las Vegas but it turns out I was on the wrong side of the Pacific! I've even got the photo to prove it!) The King Lives!
- I have visited Lamma Island - It's sort of a hippy commune but there are no vehicles and I basically vegged on the beach and swam in the clear tropical waters - there was hardly anyone there - Bliss! However, I got quite sunburnt on the bits I couldn't reach so was a bit tender the next day!
- And Finally, today I have been exploring the the New Territories around Hong Kong, which are very close to Mainland China - I starting walking on a hiking trail (Hence the Title of this update) and found amazing views and people doing Tai Chi everywhere.
However, it was a bit of a weird day all in all:
- I was speaking to an elderly chinese gentleman who was very nice but he had quite extreme views - he stated that I should never trust a Jew as they would stab me in the back when I wasn't looking and that Hitler was "Forgiveable"! (However, he was comparing him to the previous Emperor of Japan who was like a "crazy dog", so I'm told)
- I was eating a meal with salted egg and I thought it tasted a bit peculiar and that maybe they'd salted it too much - then I realised I was eating the shell as well! D'oh!
- and I was chatted up by......a giant, camp policeman! I was having a coffee waiting for my train when he started talking to me quite enthusiastically - he then revisited me 10 minutes later and gave me his address, his phone number and he begged for me to send him a postcard soon! What can I say!? I don't swing that way, baby!

Thats all for the moment - I promise you I will be leaving for Bangkok on Saturday even though I'd love to stay, but, my adventures await and I must punish my bowels in a new and interesting country. Ta-Ta!

No sign of Henry, The Mild Mannered Janitor ("Could be?")

2004-05-28T07:49:00.000+01:00

Well, I'm a week into my trip and there are no signs of nerves - in fact I am so relaxed I'm horizontal (hee hee!)

After my last update, I went to the cinema (I even paid for it on my octopus card - Thanks for the advice - Princess they rock!) and I went to see Van Helsing - It wasn't bad. Good bubble gum for the mind. It was funny because I had a load of teenage girls sitting next to me and they were jumping at all the scary bits - Bless those little people!

On wednesday, it was a national holiday as it was Buddha's Birthday so Lisa took me to see what the Chinese call "Fat Dan" (Quite a good likeness to Woody too!) which is the Giant Buddha Statue on Lantau Island - It was so nice to be there on a day of significance. They were all burning incense everywhere - some incense sticks were like trees!

Another thing that I noticed is that Hong Kong has loads of little areas of, I wouldn't say tranquility, but more imagination and creativity. It really is a wondrous place.

Later today I am going to go to Victoria Peak and take in the views. After that it will be a few more drinks and tearing the ass out of the Nightlife scene again (If I can stay awake that long!).

A freaky thing happened on the way out today, I asked Lisa if she has ever been hit by a car before, but before I finished the sentence, she tripped in a crack in the road and headbutted a moving bus! I shit myself to be fair but she took it all in her stride. Thankfully, she wasn't hurt that bad and my brain is already starting to scab over that particular memory and I can breathe easy again!

I'm off to Bangkok on Sunday so I will update y'all when I get there. I've also decided to do a diving course in Ko Chang as it will be good to be prepared for the Great Barrier Reef and Fiji (should be a damn sight cheaper too!).

Stay safe everyone and I'll be in touch real soon.

Nei Hou Ma?

2004-05-25T04:21:00.000+01:00

Hey there everybody peeps! That's right - I'm still alive!

At the moment I'm sitting in a Pacific Coffee House on t'internet located right next to a huge building with hundreds of airplane/ porthole style windows which is affectionately called "The Building of a Thousand Arseholes" - The reason being is that it is full of bankers.

Since I last updated y'all a lot has happened. Allow me to retort -

The Journey - After my parents waved me goodbye at the Bus Station in Plymouth (a tearful moment), I arrived at Heathrow and rang my nearest and dearest to remind them that I do care. In the meantime, I just sat in the bar and got tipsy in the hope that I might get some sleep on the plane - sadly, my plan failed - however, I did have the best seat on the plan with about 8 foot leg room, I was next to the drinks counter and not too far from the loo. Also, Virgin Atlantic has the best in flight facilities ever - You can stop, start, rewind and fast forward any of the films that were on offer (there were about 60 films to choose from). So, due to the insomnia, I managed to watch 6 films!

My arrival - When I got to HK it was about 5pm. I dawdled for a while and made my way to the recommended hostel called the Jockey Club Mount Davis Youth Hostel. A place situated at the top of a mountain with breath taking views.

On my way to the hostel, I met a very kind woman at the MTR station called Lisa, who pointed me in the right direction and asked me out for a few drinks on the next night to get an insider's view of Hong Kong.

She certainly lived up to her end of the bargain, as we must have visited at least 10 bars and clubs all over HK and we didn't finish drinking until 5am on Sunday Morning! Lisa was generous enough to let me stay at her flat (which is, as she puts it, in the "Knightsbridge" of Hong Kong). Suffice to say, I slept for most of Sunday and had not returned to the hostel (where my rucksack was) for nearly two days! To my pleasant surprise, my bag hadn't even been touched and just sums up that HK is a very safe place to be.

General observations and experiences (so far) -
- The chinese have an amazing ability - they can remember who you are even if it was only a brief encounter (This could also be because I have been wearing the same clothes for the last 3 days!)
- Jackie Chan is adored here!
- It is easy to get lost here but it is not intimidating at all. Probably because I tower above nearly everyone.
- I have discovered the appeal of travelling solo - When you get lost you can only blame yourself.
- I met 4 lads from Bristol at the hostel (Ed, Sheldon, Mark and Josh)and spent Monday afternoon just chilling with them and listening to music. If, you encounter this quartet on your travels, don't let their age fool you - their a bloody good laugh and when it comes to music, they know their shit! - Boys - I hope to meet up with you in Ko Chang at the Treehouse and catch up some more - you never know - you may have something to celebrate if Bristol City win the play-offs (But don't count your chickens!).

At the moment I am staying with Lisa at her flat and I am gobsmacked by her generosity. So, I would like to describe Lisa as best I can:

- She is a clairvoyant mechanic from Essex
- Her Dad IS Sean Connery! (well a damn good looky-likey anyway!)
- She's big on Buddhism and I have to admit, I have become very interested myself since meeting her.
- Her mate, Dennis (A Pompey fan), owns his own night club (which was part of our itenerary on Saturday night) and, he is an effing loon, but such a fantastic bloke to meet.
- She is a woman of the world - and she's got the scars to prove it - I have met a titanium twin!
- She has been so generous since I landed in this mad city - so thank you for everything.

Well, I have to go now as someone is waiting to use the computer. But, I will be in touch soon.

P.S. Thanks to Carr for the Baboon..... Compilation - it is an anthem already to my travels. And, also to the Shaolin Funk (Jimmy and Dan) those mixes have got me seriously strutting on the subway here!

Farewell/ Au Revoir/ Adieu/ Joi Kin/ Hwyl Fawr/ Auf Wiedersehen/ Goodbye

2004-05-19T10:50:00.001+01:00

Well, I've done as many goodbye E-mails as I can and now it is time for my final update as I leave for Hong Kong tomorrow.

All there is to say is thanks to everyone for the memories. I'll see y'all next year and some of you I'll see on my travels, I hope.

I would like to specially mention a few people though before I leave:

Everyone at HBOS - Thanks for the laughs and making it all bearable - I could mention names but it would take forever.

Everyone at Lang & Potter - Some of you may never read this (My mother says thats probably because most of you can't read!) but I will keep in touch and get ready for my return - if you thought my Dad was insane, wait til you get a load of me. (Donna - I was hoping for a Spring wedding, what do you think?)

My Friends in Cardiff - Thats the old school crew which includes all previous residents of The Haven (Colin, Bob, Rich and El) and of course the Shaolin Funk (Jimmy Love and Burma Dan) of which I was proud to be a guest member of. You all rock my world and I will be back to visit next year.

My Friends in Plymouth - Thanks for all turning up at the pub last night - I'll be there for the meal on Christmas Eve as per usual and hopefully without any broken bones this time! And to the Plymouth Volleyball Team, I'll be back in training and kicking bottom next season in time for the summer tournaments next year.

Webby - You've always been a dissapointment to me but I love you all the same - I've known you since we were both twinkles and even though I haven't seen you that often recently, I'll be back with a vengeance next year. We may have to recreate those Epic squash matches we used to have - I reckon I can still kick your ass!

My Family - Mum, Rach, Johnny, Jack and Jasmine - Thank you for letting me stay at the Farm - it's been lush and I can't wait to stay there when I get back.
Dad - enjoy the first half of the season, let's hope Argyle are at the top for when I get back as secretly, I'm just a glory hound!
Steve - Good luck with the new house and see a doctor and get rid of it.

Princess - I will miss you loads when I go but I'll always have that good luck charm to remind me of you - you're a sweetie and I will be up to visit you loads next year. M'Goi, Princess!

Owain - He was a bit upset that he was not mentioned as a best friend in one of my previous posts - well, I would like to amend that statement and say that you are like a soulmate to me and no-one will ever be able to recreate the havoc we caused over the last year! Good luck in Manchester and I will see you soon (If you and Princess want to visit me in Oz I would be absolutely chuffed to bits!).

Carr - It is going to be so hard to live up to your travel journal but I will try goddamn hard - It's just a pity that I wasn't able to travel with you this time around. But don't worry - There'll be other adventures to be had when I get back. You are a Legend and I will miss you more than I will miss Marmite.

Fred - I've known you since we were very small (well when I was - you've always been a giant!) and we've always been best friends. If I'm ever blue, I'll just have to look at the picture of you cutting cheese and I'll be able to smile again. Try not to gamble your life away while I'm gone and look after Carr - Don't let him spiral into a world full of internet filth or at least get him to keep some for me when I get back.

I will miss you all and please, please, please, try and keep in touch and I'll do the same.

Goodbye, Cloudy Britain - Hello, Tropical Travels!

My Last Weekend in Britain

2004-05-17T15:10:00.000+01:00

As I am off on my travels this week, I thought it would be quite nice to spend a bit of time in Cornwall at the caravan with my two best friends, Fred and Carr.

I originally intended to go on Thursday evening but I made the mistake of only mentioning this plan to F&C when they were absolutely hammered the weekend before! So, obviously we had to delay it.

First things first, I played Carr at squash on Thursday night and my leg felt good - also it was a bloody good match (which I won, of course) but, as it was the first strenuous exercise I've done since I broke my leg, I was pooped for the entire weekend.

Anyway, we left on Friday afternoon to go to Treyarnon and we were blessed with good weather all weekend. When we got down there we had a BBQ and made enemies with a neighbouring caravan as the stupid cow was under the impression that her opinion counted for a goddamn thing (It's a shame because when you make enemies with the Potters, we'll not just make your life a misery but we'll ruin your children's lives too).

Anyway we had a lot to drink and we had a good laugh (even though Carr didn't piss in his pants like last time).

On Saturday, we went to the beach and played cricket and football and then we waited for Steve & Zoe to arrive so we could go and get drunk. They were of course fashionably late but when they arrived we got a move on and went to Newquay to meet Cornish, Caunter, Rich, El and Whiteway on their Surfari adventure.

We went straight to the pub and they met us a little bit later as they were all a little bit fatigued, so we settled down and watch the end of the football and played a few games of pool. Little did we know we were in the presence of the King and Queen of Hobo antics as a mad pissed-up old woman challenged Zoe to a game of pool (but she kept laughing her head off because she couldn't see the balls) and her mate (who looked like an unclean Uncle Albert) was asleep behind us and was snoring his head off - Newquay really does attract the cream of society.

It was really good to see everyone one last time before I go away - even you Whiteway!

It all got decidedly messy in the end and I don't think the taxi driver was impressed with myself and my brother's malicious scheming and lewd behaviour on the way back - he must have added on a nobhead fee to the fare as we paid through the nose to get home.

Sunday was another lovely day as got back to Plymouth by midday and, after nipping in to see my old volleyball team at the Southwest Championships, we had another BBQ at the Farm. We ate a lot of meat and it was good to see Dad drunk again as it serves as a painful reminder of how not to act when I'm away. Awwww....Bless!

I now have 3 days to go and I am in a word "nervous" to say the least.

That was my last weekend in Britain for a while but I would like to add a few extra bulletins:

HBOS Implodes - I have been informed that the mass exodus from HBOS has begun - people being fired, shit kicking up and people resigning etc... What the hell is going on!? I hold some people directly responsible for being thoroughly rotten eggs and I hope you all get your come uppance. I would say that those people know who they are but, let's face it - they probably don't!

Crimson Masks all round - I caught the end of Judgment Day this morning (wrestling - sorry!) - all I can say is: that's how you take a chair shot to the face!

Happy Birthday! - Last Friday, Laura May, the M.I.L.F. of HBOS, was celebrating her 21st birthday for the 14th year in a row. Hope you a good one and let me know when you next have one of your "car-keys parties" in Plymouth.

I have to go now but I will have one more update before I leave.

The Route

2004-05-12T18:17:00.000+01:00

Ok here goes this is my designated itinerary of where I intend to be over the next 7/8 months:

Hong Kong - 21st to 30th May - I fly out on the 20th May - 1st stop - should be there for about a week.

Thailand - 30th May to 28th June - Going to Ko Chang and considering Chang Mai if I have time - Should be there for about a month.

Malaysia - 28th May to 9th July - doing a trek I bought from STA Travel and should be going through KL and Singapore and hopefully to Tioman Island - There for about 2 weeks.

Indonesia - 9th July to 6th August - Mainly in Bali but will do island-hopping over to Komodo Island and Lombok - There for about 1 month.

Australia - 6th August to 18th September - I fly into Brisbane and will endeavour to visit (in no particular order)Melbourne, Sydney, Cairns, Fraser Island, Uluru (AKA Ayers Rock) and, of course, Brisbane. There for about 6 weeks.

New Zealand - 16th September to 18th November - I plan to visit as much as I can. I'm going to be here for as long as I can - possibly 2 and a half months but we'll see.

Fiji - 16th November to 30th November - Should be chilling on the beaches here for about 2 weeks.

USA - 30th November to 22nd December - I definately plan to see San Francisco, San Diego, LA, possibly Tijuana, and depending on money left over and time to do it, I may attempt some kind of road trip. I will be here for about 3 weeks.

Plymouth - I will be back home on the 23rd December, Just in time for Christmas on the Farm.

(Dates given above in italics may be liable to change if I either can't stand a place or, love a place to bits!)

I hope to see some friends on the way and let's just hope I don't run out of money and need to come home early - That would suck big-time! Luckily, I'm as tight as a gnat's pee-hole so I should be fine.

My next update will be my recollection of a trip to Cornwall with my two bestest friends - Chas & Dave - no sorry...... Siegfried and Roy. No, wrong again........it's Fred & Carr.

Chair goes up...Chair goes down

2004-05-12T17:30:00.000+01:00

Yesterday I went to Birmingham to see The Princess and Owzy-O.

I arrived around 11am and when I knocked on the door Clare's Grandma answered and was confused so she said that Clare didn't live there and shut the door in my face! It turns out Clare had popped out to get a few things and when she arrived back, she found me wandering around in her street not knowing if I'd got the wrong address - she had to let me in and her Grandma said sorry and then she hid upstairs. Old people, eh?!

Anyway, we went for lunch at Zizzi's and it was delish'! Good choice C! After that we went to the cinema to see Kill Bill 2 and we decided to spoil ourselves and go "Gold Class". This basically means free popcorn, huge reclining leather armchairs that you can curl up in and being able to take beer in to the cinema with you. It was lovely and what a corker of a film.

When the film finished we went into the arcade for a while and played on the Dancemat Euromix (or whatever it's called) - Well, I am going to Hong Kong and I hear that the streets are paved with flashing tiles and I'll want to blend in - I don't want to look like a tourist now, do I?!

After that we played a bit of Air Hockey (suffice to say, I rock at Air Hockey!) and then made our way back to Clare's house and met her folks - I now know where she get's it from.

That was it really - It was nice to see you both again. I just hope you've stocked up on enough monkey hugs to see you through to next year.

Goodness Gracious, Great Balls of........

2004-05-10T14:46:00.000+01:00

I had a fab weekend which starts, as in most cases, on Friday evening.

I got back to the Farm and before I had even put my bag down, my niece and nephew (Jack and Jasmine) had me under their control. After a run around with the sheep in the paddock, they had fun with water baloons at bath-time, I read them their bedtime stories and then put them to bed. Little did I know but that took 4 hours and I was knackered!

I invited Fred and Carr to come over to the Farm as we had planned to burn things in proper Caveman fashion. We stacked the bonfire at least 8ft high and threw some petrol on top for good measure. It was lots of primitive fun and suffice to say - It's still burning now - 4 days later!

Anyway, when it got to about midnight we were all pretty smashed and we all had a spiffing time! (Paul Carr - You needs to redeem yourself or your mother will never forgive you.)

Saturday was special for two reasons: 1. It was Fred's Birthday and 2. It was the last day of the Football Season and as Plymouth Argyle were already declared as champions, they were due to have the Cup presentation after their home match.

It was all good fun too and I pretty much stayed out after the football to meet Fred and everyone else in town.

Everyone was wasted by the time I met them and I was glad that I was able be the most coherent of the group for a change!

Sunday was over before I knew it as I was helping out on the farm all day and then ended up burning more things.

Sorry the update is a bit wishy-washy. I will try and be more focussed for the next update which should include: a trip to Brum/ a trip to Cornwall and my Itinerary for the Big Trip.

P.S. I am bricking it at the moment - Not mentally prepared at all yet - Aaaaaarrrrghh!

Wonderful Plimuff

2004-05-07T08:43:00.000+01:00

I'm desperately sorry to everyone who is expecting some sort of wondrous update full of interesting stories of my past week but time is limited so I will have to keep it brief.

First of all, by the power of osmosis and thanks to some people jogging my memory, I can fill in some of the blanks from last friday night - Apparently, I was intent on power-bombing Matt Ford through the Pool table (sorry)/ My brother put his fingers down my throat to make me sick as I didn't want the Almighty White Russian in my system (oo-er!), and when I started, I couldn't stop - It was everywhere but in the toilet bowl(sorry Royworld)/ and finally, Dave Pin-Up kindly offered me a lift home (at 10.30pm!) and when I was undressed in my room (with only my party-boy thong on) I declared "Let's Go Streaking!!!" or words to that effect.

At present, I am in work (Gasp!) at Lang and Potter - I haven't actually had a day away from work yet. I am fitting curtains N' Stuff at The Whitsand Bay Hotel - Things could be worse I suppose. I'm also nearly ready for my travels - I've got my bag packed and all I have to do is get my money changed into Hong Kong Dollars!

Gotta go, Grannybags (My Mum) needs to use her PC - Tonight should be fun - I'm going to set up a bonfire and burn lots of things!

I'll update y'all early next week - I promise!

Owzy-O - The Man, The Genius, The Escaped Mental Patient, The Legend

2004-05-01T10:55:00.000+01:00

As some of you know, there are some people that I will be glad to see the back of, and Owain is no exception.

I have promised him that I won’t get soppy in this tribute but rest assured, I am typing this with a tear in my eye.

To give Owain justice in such a short blurb would not be possible – He is a unique individual as many people will back me up on (Unique is not latin for asshole). However I will do my best to summarise:

I’ve known Him for a long time and when he moved into “The Haven” in November last year, we were a force to be reckoned with, as he’s just as sick in the head as me.

My sanity took a downward spiral when the heavy drinking began, but that also coincided with the 14 hour days we were committing ourselves to at work. We would go out quite often and terrorise work colleagues, acquaintances and anyone who got caught in the cross-fire really. Matt Ford is still a shadow of his former self.

If I could list his major achievements over the last year they would be –
-Inventing the O-Bomb – Not so much a drink but more of an initiation – he wowed the crowds when he had an ultimate-Bomb comprising of over 14 shots of vodka and 2 blue WKD – Bravo!
-Ditching the wife – it was for the best.
-Coming up with some of the best hair brained schemes – Dressing gown day – Antiquing Paul Gray – The Meatshake – The Superman Impressions with the office chairs – and the Pirate costume for the January Ball to name but a few.
-For being such great support when I broke my leg –Dressed up as Santa Claus, totally pissed wandering around the hospital - Dropping his beard in the toilet – and the cherry on top was that he had a morning glory that was such a distraction, a nurse had to put a blanket over it!
-And finally for generally being a damn good partner in crime.

Fell free to put these in your CV, Owzy-O.

Some people can find his foot-tapping, whistling, singing and general existence to be a bit annoying, especially in work, but you learn to love the crazy fruitloop. However, his culinary skills still need fine tweaking as, although he can rustle up some mighty fine meals, his resourceful can run wild at times and he has a habit of liquidising failed projects and then eating them.

I’m sure there are 101 more stories but my hangover has just kicked in so all I can say is – I will miss you my dear friend and you can come and visit me anytime.

If you want to keep on top of Owain’s progress he has, what he calls, his “staying put notes” journal – it’s owainglanaman.blogspot.com – It’s got some welsh in it but don’t let that put you off.

My Last day in Cardiff

2004-05-01T10:16:00.000+01:00

My last day was an emotional one for me - I promised myself I wouldn't cry so I didn't.

The only thing I remember from work is Antiquing the Boss during my leaving speech (i.e. dousing in flour). Paul Gray - you fuckin' rule! - you took it like a man. However, you're reputation will be tarnished forever.

Then came the Leaving Do at Spin/ Royworld..............

What the fuck happened there then!??! Getting me to down a jug of White Russian with 14 vodkas in it! All I can say is - Paul Gray - you got me back - it's 1-1 but this game isn't over!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who came out (including you Perry - Hee hee!). I was touched that so many people turned up - I would have been crying my eyes out if I wasn't being sick all over myself!

Best of luck in the future to everyone I've known in Cardiff and I will return - you ain't seen the last of me (unless I die which is possible but not worth thinking about).

Keep reading and keep in touch if you can.

The Man has gone but the Legend remains............

Il Fait Beau Dans La Jardin

2004-04-29T15:59:00.000+01:00

That's French you know! C'est Bon, Eh? Danny Nuts would appreciate it.

Well, my final weekend in Cardiff was a perfect one in my eyes. I had most of Friday off so I just sunbathed and went to Mermaid Quay and wandered around aimlessly in the sun.

The Princess made a surprise visit on Friday Night, which was nice - and as she had work the next day, Owzy-O and I got up at 5.30am to see her off on Saturday morning. As we were awake, we decided to start the day as we meant to go on and cranked the system up in the kitchen and sat in the garden from 6am, much to the annoyance of the neighbours who didn't appreciate pre-dawn karaoke - what's wrong with them?!

From then on we pretty much didn't leave the garden - Not even the glitz and glamour of Saturday Morning Wrestling programmes were enough to prize us from our patio furniture as we were adamant on topping up our tans and drinking ourselves into a stupor.

Nicci came over mid morning and joined in the fun - When Steve got up, even he couldn't resist the lure of the Haven garden and was soon singing along to the TV Themes we downloaded and was drinking Dr. Peppers (thats a cocktail by the way - Half coke/ half beer and drop in a shot of Amaretto - It's lovely!).

We had a BBQ and drank snakebite and then I had some great news - Plymouth Argyle beat QPR 2-0 and so became champions of Division 2. I was so happy I could have wet myself (it was a close call).

So, in order to celebrate the success of my local team and just for the hell of it, Owzy and I decided to venture into town. We went to Slug and Lettuce and terrorised Jimmy Love and Woody for a bit. They soon convinced us there was a better time to be had elsewhere as we were cramping their style so we mosied on over to Cuba. The phrase "Scene Missing" applies here as the next thing I knew it was sunday morning, I was still fully clothed with curry sauce on my shoes, a knitted hat in my back pocket and an inflatable parrot on my shoulder. Methinks I drank too much!

Sunday was basically the same as saturday except Owain was a deeper shade of pink, we had hangovers to deal with and we didn't go out in the evening and ........OK it was completely different but we were in the Garden again and had another BBQ. Suffice to say, we were living the good life and I will miss the summers in Cardiff.

Coming into my last week in work and ultimately Cardiff, I'm really happy to be starting a new chapter in my life, but I have a sneaky feeling that on my leaving Do on friday I'll be blubbing like a schoolboy with scuffed knees.

Keep 'em peeled as my next editions I will set the world to rights and there will be a tribute to Owzy-O.